Broken Mother of Two Please Help

[olderbutwiser]

Hi, like yours and others on recent posts my partner is a cocaine addict only it’s crack. I’ve been through the angry denials, he told me I had a ridiculous obsession with it. He’s lied to my face so many times I no longer believe what he says to me. I started checking his bin and his office for evidence and doing cocaine tests which by the way work even if the toilet has been flushed. He told me the tests must be giving a false reading but I’ve also tested other times and negative so I know they work just fine. The utter sinking feeling when you find out you have been lied to again is horrible.
I have loads of photos of all the burnt foil, broken lighters, broken pens, bits of Brillo pad used as a gauze. All as evidence and a reminder of what he has done.
He’s moving out soon. In January I told him he had to have stopped by the time my daughter comes home from uni and he hasn’t.
He tried to stop a couple weeks ago. Booked a flight back home to see his mum and his old psychiatrist but then used both nights before and missed the flight. I had woken at 5 to take him and he was high as a kite. Talking bullshit. He also used ketamine a few times so I found him completely incoherent without warning. Also came to dinner once falling over with white powder round his nostrils. With my son in the kitchen. And yet again I was the bad guy because I called the police on him. Apparently if he does ket he doesn’t want to use crack. Anyway even calling the police made no difference.
Now he’s finally leaving he’s asked me to stop him going out this weekend so he can’t buy any and not to cause any stress. I have agreed but again he’s making it my responsibility not his. He wants to come off it alone and doesn’t accept he needs help to adjust his coping mechanisms. He is also very depressed and paranoid after use.
He messages me constantly and is very demanding. Not in a demanding or aggressive way but just of my time and energy. The messages start when he gets back from work and barely stop. Asking me things or telling me things. Rarely has a moment for me and all the stress I am under.
He’s totally put me through the wringer but he still has a very limited understanding of what he’s actually done. It’s mostly that I haven’t done enough and if I had been more respectful of him he would have stopped before now. So still in denial.
I hope he sorts himself. I hope they all do. But they need to work on themselves. They can’t just stop.
I got referred to women’s aid but seem to have slipped through the net as no support as of yet. This was back in Feb. I’m looking for local groups in person or zoom but don’t know how to find. Guess I need to do more research.
Best of luck to you and everyone in our situation.

[dramaqueen]

Hi Older but wiser

It is so helpful how those of you in the same or comparable situation are sharing stories. Interesting to hear how well the tests work. In hindsight, I wish I had used some when my son lived with me. It is better to be fully informed as to the facts, especially as the addict just lies and twists things around.

Regarding FA meetings, there is a list on this website (go back to home page and look up meetings under menu). However, you need to contact the office / helpline for more details (login details / precise location etc) about these meetings:
Tel: 020-7498 4680
Calls are usually answered daily, 1:00-4:00pm and 6:00-9:00pm.

Best wishes

DQ

[bex2475]

I contacted my local domestic abuse centre yesterday and spoke to a lovely ally who helped me realise that aside from the recent drug discovery, I am in an emotionally and financially abuse relationship. He takes and gives nothing, I feel starved of all love and affection and I have felt that way for a long time.

I’m trying to rationalise all of this, come to terms with what is happening. He says he can stop no problem with regards to using cocaine but I’m not sure he can. He still hasn’t apologised, admitted or come clean about it all. How can he be so loving to the children? This makes it so hard for me to accept what is happening and make a decision to move out since he has made it very clear he isn’t going anywhere since he pays for it all.

[lesleerose]

Hi Bex
What I would suggest is that you make a list list A for the reasons you should leave list B for the reasons you should stay …
If I am right list B will be just about empty …
You have to use intellect over emotion yes I know how hard it is but life is hard …
Your children are young and you and the children deserve so much better … listen to the ppl you went to you are in an abusive relationship the children will pick up on that …
Your partner will get worse that is 100% fact never better …
Time to leave if you’re strong enough …if not get to some live meetings or online zoom meetings also study all there is about addiction and what you are dealing with as I said in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous there is a chapter called “ to wives “ you could possibly google it also if you call admin they will send you some literature…
Please stay with us you are no longer alone
Yours in Famanon fellowowship
Lesleerose

[olderbutwiser]

Thanks drama queen and I will phone to find out local support group details.

On the subject of your partner Bex, having been on the receiving end of my partners denials and assertions for over 2 years I can assure he is not able to just stop and the only thing you can do is accept that and decide what you want to do.

I tried boundary setting (no drugs in the house). That was ignored completely. So once I got strong enough I had to ask him to leave. Remove all judgement and blame but know what you can and can’t live with because it won’t go away. It will get worse. Until you make a decision for you.

Who owns the house? You may have rights to stay I’m not sure. That’s where woman’s aid could advise.