Some good news

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olderbutwiser
Posts: 100
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2024 7:09 am

Some good news

Post by olderbutwiser »

Well, after 3 months of zero income and surviving through crisis management we have finally managed to get the decision on my ex partners residency status changed and his entitlement to universal credit is approved.
I am absolutely delighted with this outcome which is worth every hour I have spent trying to help him achieve this. If I hadn’t fought for him he would have given up weeks ago and would be in a much worse situation than he is now.
He worked damn hard, harder than anyone I have ever known, for 4 and a half years - ever since arriving in this country and, using drugs or not, he didn’t deserve to be left penniless when he became unfit to work.
Despite having no income for 3 months he only owes me £125 and has sold lots of his possessions to help afford rent and food. Yes he has spent some on drugs and that is something he needs to address, but at least now he can focus on his health knowing he has some money coming in.
Not all drugs addicts are the same. I have learnt so much. Is he still going to use? Probably. Until he decides to stop. Does that mean he doesn’t deserve my love, sympathy and support? Absolutely not.
I have never felt more determined to support this man. Not in an enabling way. But in a best friend way.
I want the best for him and will always be there for him.
Some of you may not agree but I know he is worth being there for ❤️
Bette
Posts: 780
Joined: Sun Jan 04, 2009 12:43 am
Location: UK

Re: Some good news

Post by Bette »

Hi OBW
In my opinion, this program is not a "one size fits all". But what is crucial, is that we do not compromise on our own health and welfare. That would be madness.
What feels right and correct for one member, may not be so for another. Although we share a common problem, personal situations can be quite different.
As individuals, we make the decisions that feel right for us at any given time. We may, in the future, decide on a different course, based on previous outcomes.
I remember having to make difficult decisions, when neither alternative felt completely "right". In the end, I chose the option that felt the most comfortable to me, even though it often wasn't completely ideal.

In this FA program of personal growth and recovery, we try not to give advise, but simply share what has worked for us and offer suggestions about possible ways forward for fellow members who are struggling. There is no judgement or blame. That would achieve nothing.

I wish you and your ex partner all the best. You know that you have a support network for yourself here.
Best Wishes.
Bette
Butterflys123
Posts: 66
Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2024 12:45 pm
Location: Kent,UK

Re: Some good news

Post by Butterflys123 »

100% agree with Betta,

That's amazing you have got the outcome you have been fighting for, for your ex partner, his very lucky to have you by his side.

All thats important is what you feel is best for you, in your journey, and how you see fit to support your ex partner is your business no one elses. FA is not here to judge regardless of the path you choose to take, we are here to support. There is no right or wrong way but there is a your way.

All the best to you.
'' Nothing Changes 'IF' Nothing Changes ''
LM66
Posts: 2540
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Some good news

Post by LM66 »

Hi OBW

Every single person with addiction issues is worth being there for, until you can't do it anymore. That was my discovery with my son.
Parents, spouses, partners, and even best friends can only do so much. The important thing is maintaining your own health during giving this support. As Bette stated, we do what we feel is the right thing for us, at any given time. I would also add, know when you have to step back, to protect your own health, as addiction can, and certainly will, take you down with it.
Great news that he has access to benefits now, and I truly hope that he can move forward positively.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
olderbutwiser
Posts: 100
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2024 7:09 am

Re: Some good news

Post by olderbutwiser »

Thanks all and yes I totally agree. I don’t think access to benefits will be the end of his dramas and I know I need to avoid being dragged down with him. He is very demanding that’s for sure.
Getting him out the house was the best decision I made because this is my safe space where I have peace and no drama.
I will make sure to have plenty of space to look after myself and make sure his problems don’t overwhelm me.
I am praying for some positive steps forward but I am equally aware I may be disappointed
olderbutwiser
Posts: 100
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2024 7:09 am

Re: Some good news

Post by olderbutwiser »

I love your signature by the way LM66… it resonates with me because he is always in a panic about something and I do find myself buying into that sometimes. My challenge is to keep my life stable for my own sanity. I know that without a shadow of a doubt I can’t allow myself to get sucked into his chaos ❤️
LM66
Posts: 2540
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Some good news

Post by LM66 »

Hi OBW

The drugs rob them of their life skills. Of their abilities to make decisions about everyday things in life. Or perhaps the skills are there, but the confidence has gone.
I too got sucked in many times by my son. But,we learn as we go.
You are "going in with your eyes open", you will know when you need to step back, even for a bit, to ground yourself and recharge.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
olderbutwiser
Posts: 100
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2024 7:09 am

Re: Some good news

Post by olderbutwiser »

Thank you 🙏
See how this next week goes.
I’ve been away for the weekend which was lovely.
He’s been asleep all day today so we haven’t spoken. Hopefully he’ll get his advance payment confirmed tomorrow and soon he’ll have no reason to be in a state of panic 🙏
That’s when I need to be firm and not let him continue to cause dramas. I want to be firm but fair. If that’s possible. I will certainly try.
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