#3 - The unexpected

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Butterflys123
Posts: 66
Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2024 12:45 pm
Location: Kent,UK

#3 - The unexpected

Post by Butterflys123 »

#3 - The unexpected.

Well, that didn't go how I thought it would! So, most of you are aware if you have been following my journey, that to close a chapter for myself, I felt it would help to write my partner a long letter, explaining how his addiction had affected myself, what I had come to learn from the help of FA and that I was taking a step back to allow him to choose his own path.

I was hoping to read the letter to him face to face and was very adamant I would not do it over the phone. We were supposed to meet yesterday evening (He was not aware of this letter, as I wanted to do it when I felt I was ready, and if he knew about it he would hound me). Well anyway, we didn't meet but we was having a telephone talk, the talk got deep and as far as I was aware he wasn't under the influence, I choose my moment carefully and explained I had written him a letter and that I would of prefered to read it to him face to face but was he ok if I did it over the phone and then I email it to him so he could read it himself and it will then allow him to process it.

I honestly thought he was going to get defensive (like he normally would when the mention of his addiction was brought up) but he didn't.
There was a long pause at the end of me reading the letter and waiting for his reply.
In a nutshell his reply was along the lines of - wow, I didn't realize how much of an impact my addiction has on you, I have never seen it from that point of view before, with a lot of apologizing and explaining the hurt his addiction has caused was never his intentions.
Anyway, I'm under no illusion this could just be lip service, as per usual and I have taken it with a pinch of salt. He understands my boundaries are now set in stone and all the time he continues to be in active addiction he gets a very limited me.

I have let him go! I am now at peace, I am powerless over addiction and only he can change the narrative of his own path. If he seeks the right help off his own back our paths will meet again and we can rebuild a future. If not, I've done all I can and it's time for me to move on… (Heartbreaking as it will be, I will be doing this for me).

For 18 months I tried to fight this battle for him (He's been an addict for the best part of 20 years).
By September if there are no signs of him seeking help for himself I will cut complete contact but for now I will encourage him and support him from a distance.

I'm happy to share my letter with anyone that's interested and feel this could be something that could help them. Just drop me a private message.

My journey continues to move FORWARD! There is no more room for negativity in my life nor will there be any back peddling.

Much love to you all and I truly do thank you all for your continued support.
'' Nothing Changes 'IF' Nothing Changes ''
LM66
Posts: 2540
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: #3 - The unexpected

Post by LM66 »

Hi Butterfly

I'm glad you were able to explain to him how you feel and how his addiction has impacted on you.
I hope he will seek help for recovery and you are right to put those boundaries in place.
The pull of addiction is very very strong, hence people, my son included, continuously relapse, therefore, the chaos continues.
For me, the point came where I had to step back, as my sons addiction was taking me down.
You have awareness of that, which is important.
Best of Luck to him and you.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Butterflys123
Posts: 66
Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2024 12:45 pm
Location: Kent,UK

Re: #3 - The unexpected

Post by Butterflys123 »

Hi L,

Thank you, Yes your right, I'm fully aware it will be a continued battle without his life after all its a disease its not cureable, but it can be managed, IF thats something he wants to control, I will not allow it to consume me any longer, his never actually seeked help off of his own back, so I feel taking the step back will allow me to see if its something he wants to actually gain control of or if it was just my nagging and pushyness (to shut me for up for a while).

Time will tell, and then I will get my answer, to either completely walk away and start again or to support him because sobriety is what he wants for himself.

Much love..... x
'' Nothing Changes 'IF' Nothing Changes ''
olderbutwiser
Posts: 100
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2024 7:09 am

Re: #3 - The unexpected

Post by olderbutwiser »

Good luck Butterflys123, we are all in the same boat and what a sad boat to be in.
I took a big step back from my ex partner and the deterioration in him was extreme. As you have seen in previous posts of mine I’ve felt compelled to help him through these dark times because I was genuinely worried for his life and if he died I would feel truly devastated that I hadn’t been there for him.
Likewise I understand that others on the forum have been in my position a hundred times over and have had to step away completely. I hope my situation doesn’t come to that. I don’t want to spend my life babysitting him. I want to encourage him to become the best version of himself. Navigating this without getting too caught up in his drama of the day will be a challenge and I hope I can manage it.
I do forget though that as one drama gets resolved, another one pops up almost immediately. My success lies in not getting sucked in 🙏
Good luck to you both ❤️
Poetry
Posts: 1581
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: #3 - The unexpected

Post by Poetry »

Butterflys

Thank you for letting us know how you got on, and I'm glad that you got to read your letter to your ex.

You are clear in your mind that you did that for you, and not in the hope that it would change him, because only he can do that. Of course, when people do decide to come out of addiction, and some do, there's often a moment which changes everything, but we can't predict what that will be, and so many of us on here have found that every single one of our loving interventions has met with disdain and abuse.

I love and admire the total clarity which you have. I can remember saying, so often on this forum, over the last six and a half years, that if we let go with love, having done everything and more which we can, then if the other person wants to change, there is the possibility of a relationship in the future, but as LM says, for many of us, the time to give up and let go comes when we see how mortally we are being damaged by their drug use.

Please keep posting.

You are on this forum for you, and not the addict, and again, you have that very clearly in your mind.

When the moment comes that somebody wants to embrace sobriety, because their drug addiction has taken them to the most horrific of places, then they will do it, no matter what. They want it passionately. I have a friend who is in AA in North Kent, and was listening to a friend of hers one day describe how he got sober.

He went to his first AA meeting and was told that it was a good idea to try to think of something as a higher power, maybe music, or a beloved family member who had died. It didn't have to be a conventional idea of God. He wandered out of the meeting, and passed a pet shop, in which there was a hamster in the window (probably a long time ago as that sounds pretty cruel nowadays).

Anyway, he decided he would use the hamster as his higher power, as at least it was getting on with things and was sober. The next day he went back to see the hamster and it had gone. He said he was completely bewildered, but went back into the meeting, and continued to go for the proverbial 90 days. He was committed to recovery.

We can't do it for them. Love to you, Butterflys. P
Butterflys123
Posts: 66
Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2024 12:45 pm
Location: Kent,UK

Re: #3 - The unexpected

Post by Butterflys123 »

Thank you as always P, All noted x
'' Nothing Changes 'IF' Nothing Changes ''
brandy1981
Posts: 53
Joined: Sat Jun 08, 2024 9:33 am

Re: #3 - The unexpected

Post by brandy1981 »

Can I just say I admire your courage and am over the moon that you have put yourself first and taken this massive step. I applaud you.
It isn't easy letting it go. It may sounds like it is to people who haven't been through it, but the bond between addict and partner/parent is very strong. I think that comes from a place of hope and support. But we all know that with those positives, we end up the losers. The ones who are ground down to zero going through rounds of promises and disappointment.
To those on the outside we also come out as the bad ones. The ones who walked away. Cold, callous and uncaring. But we know different. We've been to that brink.
Stick with it, make life your own. Hats off, I salute you 😊
Butterflys123
Posts: 66
Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2024 12:45 pm
Location: Kent,UK

Re: #3 - The unexpected

Post by Butterflys123 »

Thank you Brandy!

Just for today, I am still talking to him, his fully aware of my boundaries and what I expect from him are we to continue a relationship, thats all I can now, its up to him, if he wants it bad enough, how serious about this ( due to my lack of boundary keeping in the past) he thinks I am is another story.

I'm not a silly women and being here has reminded me to go with my gut instincts. His supposedly looking on NA website (providing me screenshots) but im now aware how devious and what lengths an addict will go to, however saying that I have been, being suportive (still from afar) and not questioning him, after all, I used to feel mugged off with the blatent lies. It says more about him then it does me and as long as I know the truth thats all that matters.

Time will tell and i'm sure in time, the complete cut off point will come in my journey.

Butterfly x
'' Nothing Changes 'IF' Nothing Changes ''
dramaqueen
Posts: 481
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 2:06 pm

Re: #3 - The unexpected

Post by dramaqueen »

Can’t believe he sent you screenshots of looking at an NA website!! That is like literally just the tiniest mini step. As LesleeRose often says, the recommended approach (to an addict who really wants to recover) is 90 meetings in 90 days; also to find a sponsor and work the steps.

DQ
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” 🙏🏻
Butterflys123
Posts: 66
Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2024 12:45 pm
Location: Kent,UK

Re: #3 - The unexpected

Post by Butterflys123 »

I just don't no what to do, really struggling today!
Can't get out my own head, my thoughts are racing and nothing is working 😭.
I don't no why the "what ifs' are creeping back in, don't get me wrong I'm not going to go backwards iv come this far! But I miss him (not the addict him) the one that shines through.

How do I even approach saying do 90 meeting in 90 days or I'm walking away for good?
I have told him, it's his journey and his path, in his time. I no if I say 90 meetings in 90 days his going to say his usual 'Always your way or no way'.

Now being on the other side how would you respond to that?
I'm aware you can't tell me what to say or do but if you guys were faced with that question now, what would your honest answers be (Be blunt, I need it today).
'' Nothing Changes 'IF' Nothing Changes ''
LM66
Posts: 2540
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: #3 - The unexpected

Post by LM66 »

Hi Butterfly

Sometimes, it comes to make it or break it. If he wants to be part of a family, then I would say yes, on this occasion it is your way or no way.
You've been supportive to him all along, and he has continued with his behaviour - now, it's your turn. Lay down that boundary, and if he doesn't accept it, walk away, or you'll be doing this dance continuously with him.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Bette
Posts: 780
Joined: Sun Jan 04, 2009 12:43 am
Location: UK

Re: #3 - The unexpected

Post by Bette »

Hello Butterfly
If insisting on 90 meeting in 90 days doesn't feel right with you at the moment, I'd suggest not to say it!
You don't have to say anything at all if you don't want to.

When I found all the "what ifs" were overpowering and I couldn't "get out my own head", the one thing that would bring me back to a more level frame of mind was getting my FA books and readings out.
My favourite is
"Today A Better Way". There are many other publications on the FA UK website for download or hard copies.
www.famanon.org.uk


I read that book many times, over and over. It was a necessary distraction. At other times, I just forced myself to do something else. Clean a cupboard, paint a wall, go for a walk. Anything to take my thoughts away from the "what ifs".

We can send ourselves into madness if we allow the thoughts of what MAY happen in the future to taint our present and rob us of some peace.

I hope this has helped. They are just suggestions! I hope you soon feel better. It will pass.
Bette X
Butterflys123
Posts: 66
Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2024 12:45 pm
Location: Kent,UK

Re: #3 - The unexpected

Post by Butterflys123 »

Thank you guys you both have some very valid points there, maybe I should give him a week to at least come to terms with the letter and if nothing changes I will have no choice, I can't keep doing this to myself.

I do have the book and I did take myself to my room allowed myself to cry and feel the feeling instead of doing the normal and bottling it up, grabbed the book and started reading....

Now back to being mummy.

Thank you guys x
'' Nothing Changes 'IF' Nothing Changes ''
Butterfly1234
Posts: 152
Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2023 3:35 pm

Re: #3 - The unexpected

Post by Butterfly1234 »

Hi butterflys (great name btw 😜)

I would be very interested to read your letter. I also wrote a letter to my husband but I never gave it to him. It’s still in the book I wrote it in, hidden away. I wanted to give it to him at one point and then he hit a complete crisis and everything was chaos and it just wasn’t the right time.. I now don’t want him to read it. So now I feel like maybe I actually wrote it all down for me. Reading it back now actually brings me to tears. It brings all the pain back to the surface. But it reminds me of how far I’ve come. I remember sitting in bed sobbing my heart out hardly able to breathe and writing that letter was the only thing my mind was able to focus on. I would love to say I will never feel that way again.. who knows maybe I will maybe I won’t, but I now have the power to help myself and take care of myself and at the time of writing that letter I definitely did not feel like I did!

With the 90 meeting in 90 days situation you have, I also was so desperate for my husband to do that as I knew it was recommended and would give him the best start to recovery. Like you I didn’t know how to go about it, so I literally just mentioned it to him. We had already discussed conditions and boundaries and he knew he was on thin ice after I’d let him back home. One of my conditions was that I needed to see him taking responsibility for his own recovery and that anything less than 4 meetings a week would make me feel as though he’s not.. of course it’s up to him whether he does the 4 meetings or not but if he wants our relationship to work and wants me to make the compromises that I have with him then I need the same back.. that’s when I dropped in 90 in 90 and said maybe he should think about that if he is really serious about recovering.. but of course it’s his choice. Shocked me when he said he’d already thought about 90 in 90 and decided to do it.

Sending you lots of love 🦋 xx
Poetry
Posts: 1581
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: #3 - The unexpected

Post by Poetry »

Hello Butterflys. I'm away atm so can't post at length. You did ask how we would feel if we had to be faced with the ultimatum ninety meets in ninety days.

I'm going to be truthful. I'd be SO ASHAMED. Please don't misinterpret that. I've done things I've felt remorse about. Still on my mind,. But yes, I'd feel mortified and would want self respect back.

Wonderful responses from the others.

Stay with us Butterflys. Love having you. P
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