So confused

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Plumtree
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon May 13, 2024 2:47 pm

So confused

Post by Plumtree »

Four weeks ago I told my husband I couldn’t go on as things were and he needed to go to rehab. He pleaded with me to just give him four weeks to sort himself out. He said that he could come off coke and various other drugs himself by going to meetings every day and speaking to his sponsor.

Now the four weeks are nearly up. He did do well, going to meetings and is definitely much better than he was. BUT last night I know he took coke. I think the relapse started two weeks ago when I left him alone for two nights to take our kids away for an event they’d been looking forward to all year. I feel bad that I left him alone but I didn’t want the kids to miss out. I tried to get his siblings to stay with him but they were busy.

We’ve had things out and he says he’s now going to look into non-residential rehab. He won’t do residential as he says he can’t afford to miss out on work emails/calls etc We were meant to be taking the kids on a last minute holiday but I don’t want to go away if he’s going to be either out of it, in withdrawal or depressed. I don’t feel it would be wise to take the kids away by myself and leave him alone again but why should they miss out on a summer holiday? I can’t help feeling if he went to rehab I could then take them away without worrying about him.

Is it shallow of me to be thinking about the holiday when his recovery is the most important thing? I think it would be a pretty lonely holiday for me anyway although at least the kids would get some sunshine. He never really acknowledges what he’s put us through but perhaps he’s incapable of understanding. He accuses me of being so angry with him that he can’t open up to me. I AM angry but also sad, lonely and feeling rejected/ignored. I don’t know how I’m meant to play the supportive wife when he’s put us through so much. I feel like we’re becoming strangers to each other.

Is residential rehab our only option at this stage? How do I get him to go? Or could the non-residential rehab work? He’s been using on and off for 3.5 years. Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.
Poetry
Posts: 1566
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: So confused

Post by Poetry »

Plumtree

I'm so sorry that you are continuing to go through this, and although you have only been on the forum for a couple of months, you mentioned that you've actually been put through this agony for about three and a half years now. Do you think that maybe the time has come for your husband to attempt to go it alone, and that maybe your constant worrying about him, and attempting to support him, is, at this stage, enabling?

You and your children have done nothing wrong yet here you are, agonising about whether you can take them away on holiday. This dilemma that you are in is no fault of your own. It is entirely on your husband, and please believe me when I say that there is absolutely nothing that you can do to turn this situation around. Only he can do it.

To be frank, from what you say, he doesn't seem to me to be in any way serious about recovering. He's made a half hearted attempt, and now this messing around about residential or non-residential rehabilitation. It won't make any difference if someone comes and sits with him to stop him using. He'll just use next time he is alone, and anyway, addicts are incredibly devious, and will find ways of accessing their drug of choice whatever safeguards are put in place.

This forum is for you, can help you reclaim your life a full stop please put yourself and your children first. Your husband has no intention of doing that. P.
dramaqueen
Posts: 475
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 2:06 pm

Re: So confused

Post by dramaqueen »

Hi Plumtree

I’m sorry that your husband is continuing to put you and the kids through this and that it has been going on for 3.5 years. It’s school holidays now and you and your kids deserve so much better.

Rehab won’t make a jot of difference if your husband doesn’t want to give up. I’ve heard of addicts asking others to give urine samples for them so that they appear clean.

An addict who wants to use will always find a way. And from your previous posts it sounds like your husband was wasted on your last family holiday so perhaps a holiday on your own with your kids would be more fun than that? Don’t compare it with an idealised notion of a happy family holiday - think back to how it was when he went with you and chose to be comatose on drugs.

Best wishes

DQ
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” 🙏🏻
LM66
Posts: 2521
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: So confused

Post by LM66 »

Hi Plumtree,

You could pay thousands for residential rehab, only for him to leave and starting using again.
Your husband knows what recovery is - he's been sober for 10 years with AA. He knows exactly what he has to do.
You can't be with him 24/7 to make sure he doesn't use.
I would agree, why should you and the kids miss out on a holiday, just to avoid leaving him at home and chance him using. If he's going to use, he will.
Going on holiday alone with your kids, is a damn sight better than being on one with an addict out his face.
It might give you and the kids a much needed break away from addiction and the crap that comes with it.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Plumtree
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon May 13, 2024 2:47 pm

Re: So confused

Post by Plumtree »

Thanks for your replies. I take your points that an addict who wants to use will use whatever you do. But I genuinely believe that my husband wants to give up. As one of you says he has been alcohol free for over a decade so he has managed a recovery before. I know I can’t go on enabling him, for the sake of the children and my own sanity, but the situation isn’t cut and dried.
lesleerose
Posts: 1542
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: So confused

Post by lesleerose »

But plum tree
Your situation is cut and dried he has simply replaced one addiction with another it’s deadly
I don’t know if your husband goes to NA CA or AA
If your husband seriously wants to become free from addiction ( these fellowships are complete abstinence ) then say to him if he really means he wants to stop he must go to 90 meetings in 90 days or as close as he can to that
If he refuses you have your answer
The other way is to go into a treatment centre where he will focus full time on recovery
Am not trying to upset you it’s just that addiction is so cunning baffling and powerful… educate yourself on addiction contact admin they give of themselves freely they to have a loved one in addiction order some literature and it’s imperative you get to live famanon meetings or zoom meetings
The road ahead is not going to be easy but every journey starts with the first step …your husband has to want this more than anything else in this world in your post he doesn’t seem close to that … you have to put yourself and most importantly the children ..
I wish you well yours in famanon fellowship
L X
Butterflys123
Posts: 66
Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2024 12:45 pm
Location: Kent,UK

Re: So confused

Post by Butterflys123 »

Hi Plumtree

I was were you are last summer holidays! Wanted him around to enjoy all the things us non addicts enjoy, make the memories ect. Looking back now to where I am today, I can't believe I put myself through so much heart ache and mental torture as well as letting my own children down. I would plan nice trips, he we would either come, but he would be off his face ( he would swear he wasnt) which would put my back up and instantly my own mood would change and whatever activity or trip we was on I'd want to go home or I'd plan something as a 4 and he would go off the radar for a few days or not get out of bed, so again I would be in a fail mood and not bother going which of course I would be letting the children down. I was so wrapped up in his addiction and wanting better for him that I lost myself.

Now this summer holidays his not here his been kicked out, what he does is his own choice, we do still speck daily but with the help from FA meeting listening to others stories and taking bits from them I'm in such a better place. Everything is booked for me and the 2 children only, as he doesn't deserve to make them memories whilst his in active addiction. Only he can want to get help and when his ready I'll of course support him but for now whilst his using his on his own , that's his choice. He will say he wants help but actions speck louder then words babe.

The first step for me was listening to (codependent no more by melody beattie) it also comes in book form and understanding myself, its OK to want to help a loved one but you need to help yourself first and when your ready to accept this honestly everything else will falls into place.

Just a suggestion here, why don't you and the children still go away, you won't technically be on your own, you have us here where you can off load daily, you can pop the children to bed still whilst away and join an evening zoom let's say, the FA family DO NOT JUDGE we are all in different stages of our journey 😊

Much love to you sweetheart xx
'' Nothing Changes 'IF' Nothing Changes ''
Poetry
Posts: 1566
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: So confused

Post by Poetry »

What a lovely, supportive and compassionate post, Butterflys. P.
Tired
Posts: 282
Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2020 4:19 pm

Re: So confused

Post by Tired »

Plum

I really hope you got to go away with your children.

Reading through posts the last few days has really hit home with me how lucky i have been. 8 know i had a blip this week by seeing a photo of the ex, but overall, I couldn't continue wasting my life on him, when it was 100% one way traffic from me to him, especially when I stopped enabling him by sending cash

Keep us updated on here plum
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