No Remorse?

[jennifers]

Hello All,

I have only recently discovered this site, reading many of your posts has made a huge difference to me. Not only do I feel less alone, but your general attitudes and advice have given me strength.

My son is 29 and doesn't live with me. He began to exhibit signs of depression when away at Uni, at around 20 and his mood swings have been going downhill ever since. I am fairly certain that cocaine and alcohol are responsible for his bouts of paranoia, his circular arguments and aggressive out bursts. He has lengthy spells (many months) with no contact and then gets in touch, threatens suicide and verbally abuses me. He has been physically aggressive in the past on several occasions, also, smashing up objects etc. I have thrown him out 3 times. He has difficulty holding down relationships and jobs, I believe that he is fairly toxic with girlfriends and can be very difficult to work with.

One thing that confuses me is the total change in his personality. Until his late teens he was gentle, sensitive, intelligent with strong a moral compass. These days he is totally unaccountable for his behaviour. No matter how he treats me he is unapologetic, there is no remorse and I simply do not understand how that can be. Should he not have some moments when he feels guilty for his actions and for his vile verbal outbursts? Where has his empathy gone, why does he appear to have no regrets or apologies?

Although his threats of suicide have so far been empty, I can't see what future there is for him, if he won't admit that he has a problem, I don't see how his life can be leading down any other path. I constantly expect the police at my door.

I wish that I understood more about his whole situation. He and I used to be so close. He hasn't bothered to even send a text on my birthday or mothers day or Christmas for years.

Thanks for listening, I would appreciate any thoughts on his total the lack of accountability or on anything else.

Sincerely,

JS

[LM66]

Hi Jennifer,

Addiction knows no remorse - that's my experience anyway.
The drug use totally destroys the person they once were, and they are replaced by a stranger. Often a nasty one at that.
My addict is also my son (27) whom I was very close to also. Very similar story regarding the change in behaviours, and aggression displayed towards myself. Horrendous!
He has ran the gauntlet of homeless accomodation, prison - and round it goes. I haven't seen him since November, and I have no intention to. Phone contact only, when he is appropriate.
My son also deals drugs, and was left for dead by the roadside, as he had obviously stepped on someone elses toes! They don't understand the damage they do to themselves or others, the vulnerable situations they can put us in - all they care about is themselves and money for drugs. My son has no remorse, nor compassion - nothing!
Until they admit they have a problem, nothing will change, so we must protect ourselves.
Breaks your heart, but you will gain strength and clarity, by sticking around the forum.
Much Love
L x

[jennifers]

L,
I am so grateful for your honest response, I'm very sorry to hear that you are gong through this, too. It does feel like such a waste of life and young potential, doesn't it? It's so hard not bring able to help. I appreciate your time on this.

Js

[LM66]

Hi J

Yes, it is a waste of their life, 100%. And all the attempts to help, are useless. It's like being stuck on a hamster wheel.
I got off that wheel! It's hard to step back, and let them get on with it, but there truly is nothing you can do, except encourage them to seek help. I've accepted that there is nothing I can do, and with that acceptance, came a kind of relief. I wasn't responsible for my son. I didn't have to kill myself trying to fix him - to no avail. We can't control what they do, or what happens to them. Not something that is pleasant to think about, but the truth. It used to strike fear into me, thinking my son would die or be killed. Then I discovered, that I couldn't prevent that. Same way I can't prevent him getting hit by a bus, or a bolt of lightening. It took time to reach that mindset.
I no longer want to watch my sons destruction. It was destroying me also.
Much Love
L x

[Poetry]

Jennifer. I identify with everything you have described. I have had all that too. I also could not sum it up more succinctly than LM does. I got out before it destroyed me.

My son was the most beautiful child in every way and with a deep spiritual core. Brilliant mind and Oxbridge educated (to show what he has thrown away) so the good he could have done in the world would have been legendary, but he has ruined it all. He is not going to ruin me. Yes, such a waste , but their waste not ours.

Protect yourself. Stay on here. I think sometimes we old timers (have not seen son for three years and await the knock at the door from police-so be it) strike newcomers as heartless, but we have tried EVERYTING and more. Please look after yourself. P.

[lost77]

Hi Jennifer,

Welcome , Like you I have often wondered similar. The conclusion I have come to is that genuine remorse requires the ability to look at and accept that the behaviour is abusive/unacceptable and then make a change.

Mine will often say "sorry" but this is usually followed up with a request for money. So he actually isn't sorry and really just wants the "sorry" word to wipe the slate clean so he can carry on his behaviour with no consequences.

I feel like the drug has taken over him and it is the most important thing in his life (along with his supply chain) so mine isn't genuinely sorry for his behaviour as it is serving his purpose of getting his drug.

Years have been destroyed and a good brain and heart has been lost at present to cocaine , like the others mine had so much potential. Its sad but is the reality and so I must keep trying to put myself first otherwise the drug takes me down with it too.

Take care
Lost

[Poetry]

Thank you, Lost. We need to keep reminding one another that we have the chance to keep improving our lives and even enjoying some aspects, which they do not. I get a lot from your posts. P.

[lesleerose]

Hi JS
I so much identify with you it’s my girl who is the addict she is 37 years old now ... She was a very sweet caring girl until her teens ... She was 6ft tall blue eyes cascading blond curls falling down her back beautiful beyond words modelling was her future .... She was always laughing and would cheer anyone up who was feeling down but there was also a sensitive girl we lost her father when she was 6 and always blamed this and I couldn’t conjure up a father for her ..... now all these years later she is the only one left of her friends the most recent around a month ago who had a beautiful upbringing with her mum and dad siblings etc ...
My girl the last time I saw her was a skeleton of her former self and over the years her language was unbearable vile she was no longer the girl I brought into this world ... now 8 rehabs later some I paid for others she managed to get into but up til now nothing has worked 8 years ago she brought a little miracle into the world she is absolutely gorgeous in every way and I love her so very much and I have done everything in my power to keep her out of the care system ... I have not been allowed to speak or see her ( long story ) hopefully this will soon be resolved .... My daughters addiction illness which it is no one would do this to themselves intentionally.... has ripped its way through my family no one speaks to anyone my other daughter who is a staff nurse wants nothing to do with anyone or offer help for me to bring the wee one up at 63 am tired and have suffered a stroke through all of this I am broken with it all now spreading it’s way into the next generation..... No they don’t have remorse because the drugs bury their emotions deeply yes the physical violence my girl had an axe over my head , through a supermarket trolley ( full of food for her which I was pay for ) at me the list goes on .... But you know through the support of famanon and it’s beautiful 12 step program I am at peace like the centre of the tornado ... I have learned to live one day at a time and be grateful for what I have not what I don’t have ... I have an abundance of support from likeminded people...i have a gratitude list which I add too and you know it’s all okay ..
In fam anon I keep coming back and if I can help one other person through this nightmare including myself all is well this is how we solve the common problem by sharing with each other ...
Yours in fellowship
Lesleerose

[lost77]

Thanks P, I hope you are feeling better , I missed your posts.

I really believe we deserve some peace and a life!. I am sure we have all had our own problems in life to navigate without the addition of the sleepless nights, fear, financial ruin and worry that addiction and the addict inflicts on those around them. The worry and trying to solve his problem never got me anywhere and was a waste of time and energy.

Addiction seems to be like a spreading weed wanting to destroy anything near by. I am trying to keep out of its way as much as possible and focus on what I can control (my own self care and wellbeing).

Take care
Lost

[jennifers]

Dear All,

I am so sorry to hear all of your heart wrenching stories. Young people with such potential...I do agree with all of you, and it is helpful to hear it, that we must protect ourselves. I can stay away from my son for a few months but it is a bit like when your tongue keeps prodding a tooth ache, I try to make contact again consistently, even though it's not good for me to do so. I suppose I need to accept that things are unlikely to change. How do you draw a line under it?!

Parties or gatherings are also hard, spending time with those who have kids the same age as my son. I don't know what to say to them. I am pleased that their kids are all doing so well but it compounds my loss somehow. I know this sounds like a shallow thing to focus on.

Thank you, all for your support, I value your comments.

JS

[lesleerose]

Dear JS doesn’t sound shallow to me it’s heartbreaking...Time is a great healer and in time your son will either get well or sink deeper into addiction would he consider rehab lots of addicts are getting there slowly but surely... Where do you draw the line not sure as the mother of my daughter who is the addict I will always love her and pray ...but from afar .....
Usually here from her but very occasionally
Yours in fellowship
Lesleerose

[Poetry]

It's not shallow at all Jennifer. I have friends who send me news and photos of the "kids" my addict grew up with and I really do want to see the photos to celebrate what is good BUT I am then afflicted with a kind of numbness which takes the place of my feelings of horror that someone as lovely as my son could have inflicted such pain and have chosen such an evil path.

To begin with, when friends find out that one's child is an addict, they are quite supportive but soon you get messages saying "Hope you are well." That is annoying in itself! I have ME. Then, "Hope all all is well with the family." Really!?

I'm always gracious, but the loneliness is awful On here, everybody understands. At Christmas. we all have that absence at the table, or worse, someone who is a grotesque parody of his or her former, beautiful self. I know it's early but thinking ahead I'm going to cut down my efforts with people this year and make sure I contribute to the forum.

When I found out about my son's addiction, for about eighteen months I could not look at baby boys in cafes and so on, and proud dads wearing t shirts proclaiming it, but I'm fine now and always say something nice. We cope with what is possible for us.

We need one another on here. Others do not get it and few make the effort. P.

[jennifers]

I know what you both mean. I feel like others must blame the parent (me) to some degree- I might have done, too, if I hadn't been through this. People have to think like that to protect themselves, in some ways, to be sure that it wont happen to them. It's all such a shame.

JS

[LM66]

Hi Jennifer

Opinions are like a**holes - everyone has one!
People will judge others, no matter what it's about - it's human nature. I just think, " it's not my business what other people think of me". They don't put food on my table or pay my bills.
As Poetry said, people who haven't experienced life with an addict, just don't get it. I hope they never do have to experience it.They think that love is enough - well, no, love doesn't come into it. We can't do a thing about it!
I remember I couldn't go into my son's room for about a year, after he left. The one time I did, I sat on the edge of his bed and sobbed my heart out so, I could hardly breathe.
Time brings clarity, and clarity gives strength.
Do stick around the forum. We are all in the same boat, one way or another.

Much Love
L x

[jennifers]

I've done the same thing!
Thanks for your support.

Js