Where do we even start!

[Beckylou90]

So me and my partner have been together for 11 yrs.
At the start i didnt know that he took cocaine because we lived so far apart. One weekend i think we were about 6 months into our relationship he told me about the cocaine and did it in front of me. I was shocked and wanted to leave but i loved him and he said it wasnt a regular thing.
The years went on and we moved in together. I dont think i ever understood how much he was taking until we moved in together. I gave him an ultimatum, me or the cocaine.
He chose me, he didnt touch it for 3yrs and then one afternoon after drinking all day he found someone who sold it in the area. It started again.
I was hurt, angry and disappointed. He insisted that when we had children he would settle down and stop completely but for now let him have his fun and chase the good times. I believed him
We got pregnant and true to word he stopped again, fast forward 6 months and it started up again because he was sick of feeling tired and bored.
We now have baby 2 and he says it doesnt matter because i dont touch it so there is one responsible person in charge of the children. He makes excuses like i dont do it in front of the children, the children wont even know, its always put away they will never get their hands on it.
The thought of him leaving a bit lying around terrifies me!!! My eldest is 3 and inquisitive.
My partner makes me feel guilty when i wont get money out of his account for him after hes been drinking and he manipulates me into doing it saying he will drink drive to get it out and if he loses his job and our house its on me.

Anyway the break through happened 2 nights ago when i refused to sit up with him. I went to bed and told him not to bother coming into bed to go and sleep in the spare room. I heard him come up at 2am and at 5am i felt him climb into bed. He asked me for help, he said he was disgusted with himself and he realised that he was losing us. I did research at 5am in the morning on groups and therapy and talking to the GP.
We went back to bed, i stood firm and kicked him back to the spare room. Woke in the morning and after thinking about things hes worried that if he goes to a group or to the GP for help they will record it and his work will find out. Hes also concerned and so am I that my kids will be taken due to his habit.
If its a case of me and him or me keeping the kids i am gone. I will not have my children removed because of him.

Will social services get involved??

Thanks
Beckylou

[lonely2808]

im a newbie here and after reading your post i just had to post and say hello times can be very hard when your living with a addict i wish i new the answers to your questions but i dont i hope that your partner can fight the addiction which destroys so many people x

[Paulette]

Hello Beckylou and welcome.

My addict is my son, so my situation is different, but he has 3 children with 2 different mums, and I have watched them dealing with him over the years. If you read the posts here, and I recommend that you do, you will see that however much we love our sons/daughters/partners, we are powerless over their addiction and the behaviours that follow from it. They have to want to stop. And they have to do all the work to stop.
In your case, your children are also powerless and as their mum, you have to protect them.

I can't be sure of answers to your questions but surely the GP is confidential? As is any group? The GP might record it in his notes but those are confidential. How does he imagine his work would find out? I'm wondering if this is an excuse?

In terms of social services, they would only be alerted if the GP felt they were at risk of harm and decided to alert them, which is pretty unusual. I suppose someone else might alert them if they were worried about the children. IF social services are alerted they'd investigate. They don't want to remove children from their families if they can help it but they'd want to be sure that you were protecting your children. From what you have written, that is also your concern. So if they said to you that you need to leave him or kick him out they that is what you'd do, and so they won't remove the children. There is a lot of information about social services involvement with families on the Family Rights Group website and you could take a look at it.

I recommend reading other posts on here. Keep reading and keep posting. We are all here for you and for each other. And also welcome Lonely.

sending hugs
Pxx

[LM66]

Hi Becky

I would echo Paulette's words. GPs have a duty to maintain confidentiality, unless they felt a person was a danger to themselves.
As Paulette said, SS don't want to remove children, unless they are at risk.
Children know more than we give them credit for. They absorb everything like little sponges. You are putting them and yourself first - it needs to be this way.
Your partner may struggle to quit, without the help of his GP or addiction services. Would it be an option for him to live elsewhere until he has some recovery behind him? It's not easy, or pleasant, cocaine withdrawal. I know my son was a nasty piece of work when using cocaine, and the come downs were severe. Depressed mood, suicidal ideation.
He has a tough journey ahead of him, for sure.
No matter what, you and your kids come first.
Much Love
L x

[Beckylou90]

Thank you everyone,
I first just want to say its a no brainer, i will protect my kids no matter the cost.
I will do some research about confidentiality and ss to bring to him and then the decision is in his hands. I will not be accepting any more excuses and some tough love maybe needed.
Im really hoping he can fight this because I do not want to have to stop my kids from seeing their daddy but if he chooses the cocaine I going to need drug testing before he can be around them.
It upsets me that we are in this position and that me and the kids are not enough to stop him
I will keep everyone posted fingers crossed he makes the right choice.
Thank you all
Becky x

[lesleerose]

Hi Becky it’s my daughter who is the addict and has been for over 20 years I haven’t seen or heard from her for a while now ...She has been in 8 rehabs some I paid for some she got into for free ...
Like you I will do anything to protect my little granddaughter who is 8 now and I have to protect her sadly from her mother it is heartbreaking as the wee one doesn’t understand yet why she can’t have her mummy and daddy both addicts father away for 7 years ..
Am afraid I had to use intellect over emotion with this dreadful evil illness ..
As you probably know by now the addict gets worse as it’s progressive and their psychical and mental health starts to suffer and yours does too .... children pick up on this and they become affected badly ... The meetings your husband partner can go to are anonymous ie CA or NA there are no second names and anyone who is there is there for the same reason as him
I wish you well please as you say ask him to leave until he is 3 months away from all drugs using the program of recovery and a sponsor who will help him .... I did and I am in recovery for 22 years now but your husband has to want this more than anything else in this world ...It is possible and we can recover it’s up to him though ....

[peartree]

When my husband went to an addiction centre without my knowledge (I didn’t know the situation) they told him they would report to social services because he was being left in charge with the children.
He went back after I found out and they were happy with not reporting as he had no unsupervised access to them, he wasn’t living at home at this time because I didn’t want the children to witness that.
I would also recommend you think on not having him home to withdraw as it isn’t a nice process even more so with little ones around.
I empathise with a lot of what your saying as it’s also my husband (my children’s father) who is the addict. I would say that he has to really want to recover though and it has taken a lot of false promises for my husband to really start in the road to recovery.