Pretend I never had this son

[AbiG]

Hi All

My son is 20 and has been addicted to Cocaine in a binge pattern for 3 years. He lies and cheats to get what he wants and so not to disappoint me.

I feel on the verge of reinventing my life as a childless married women to block out I ever had my darling son. I have heard accounts of many parents not seeing their addict children for many years. I expect it is a coping mechanism andI am on the verge of adopting this myself. Is this selfish and cold?
life does not seem to have purpose. As a parent my purpose has been to give my son a good life, a good start, but as this has not worked , so what is my purpose? I Guess out I need to create a life of my own.

Has anyone else experienced a feeling of no purpose when their child is in active addiction and you feel hopeless to help.

Thanks

What strategies have you used to create purpose in your life and to accept your darling child may never get better. ?

On the verge

[LM66]

Abi, I hear you.
I decided not to see my son, due to the pain it caused me. I rarely speak to him, as his language is awful, and it's all drug talk - script, bupes, brown etc - I don't want to hear it. I don't want to be around the people he associates with. I'm sick to death of his lifestyle. He has a right to choose it, but I also have a right to step back from it, to protect myself from it.
I have txt contact with him, but again, if it's inappropriate or abusive, he gets blocked. I will not subject myself to all that anymore.
I feel as if I have been grieving for my son for the last 8 years, and he is still alive .
We eventually reach the point where self preservation has to kick in, or we go under Abi. It sounds as if you have reached that point.
What strategies did I use? I kept myself busy with work, my hobbies, tried new things, I read posts on here, and shared with others - people here "get it", listened to relaxation techniques on you tube, read lot,  refocused myself when overwhelming  thoughts came to my mind. I kept my son in  little box in the back of my mind - it was the only way for me to function. I found little things to give me joy, I forced a smile on my face, and "faked it til I made it". It becomes easier to get your life back, after some time, and you can be happy, despite your sons issues.
Much Love
L x

[AbiG]

Thanks L

It feels like I’m on the verge of this step, but it’s a painful step to let go of ‘saving’ mode and hope. But I think it has to be done, otherwise I’m going to continue to be smashed to the ground emotionally.

I really get the grieving whilst he is still alive thing, that’s exactly how I feel and probably will continue to feel.

I love my dear son, but this is the only way.

Thanks for sharing your experience. X

[lesleerose]

Hi abi i here you I feel as though I have been grieving for over 20 years now my girl addict is 38 even as I write this I don’t know where the time has gone ...
I remember vividly when she was around 18 I saw the light go out and my beautiful daughter was gone I was heartbroken she tried so hard to please me until the drugs took over completely it was and still is heartbreaking something inside me died that day since then she has been in 8 rehabs or treatment centres nothing has worked and almost ruined me financially and mentally ....
I have not seen or heard from my girl in over a year now I have been through every emotional permutation ... to help my addict girl recover nothing has worked ...
I so identify with you about not having any children my other daughter who is now 44 and her daughter haven’t spoken to me in 12 years this disease has destroyed my small family ...
I am currently getting divorced ( not my children’s father ) he had become very aggressive and abusive that has also brought its own heartbreak...
I myself am in recovery for 22 years now am one of the lucky ones I attend AA and I come on here for my girl ...
Yes you have to make a new life for yourself same as us on here which I find difficult but working with others who are in a similar situation makes me feel I have a purpose... I started with answer phone taking calls from other heartbroken parent there are many ways you will find your path I also find a gratitude journal works for me ...Welcome to Famanon today is the first day of the rest of your life your situation may not change but you will change and find peace
Yours in fellowship
Leslleerose

[AbiG]

Thanks Leslerose

I am sorry for your pain, I hope one day your daughter will recover. Take care of yourself x

[Poetry]

I understand the feeling of needing to shut the so-called son out of one's life, and pretend that he never existed. I don't think that any one stance can be permanently adopted, though. Over the last two and a half years, I've been through periods of intense anger, telling myself, furiously, that I do not have an oldest son, to periods when I pray for him incessantly and ask God, if there is one, to make sure that he finds whatever it is he is looking for, even though that might be drugs, to times when I feel contempt, to other times when I wonder what I'll feel like if I find out that he's died, and all the memories of the lovely child came back. It's bewildering.

Now, I just accept whatever mood I am in about it, but I do try to ensure that I move towards a peaceful acceptance, however that happens. Letting time pass, knowing that I did my utmost and also that I'm willing to do no more, are helpful attitudes. I try to concentrate on the positive things in my life, and build up my self-esteem in that way, after it took such a knocking from my son a few years back. These things are important for you too.

We have to move to a position whereby we realise that we can do no more. They have chosen their path. We gave them the opportunity to choose good or bad, and sadly, they chose the latter, and so be it.

Keep posting!!
P.

[AbiG]

Hi P

I wrote this post 2 months ago. I’ve been going to FA for 2 months. I am going through the process of realisation that he my son has chosen his path and my efforts to rescue him were causing more harm than good.
It’s a painful process accepting that this is the path he has chosen and he may never recover. I now understand that I have to look after myself. But each day is different, some days are tough.
The fellowship and the FA meetings are wonderful, but thr pain is always there.
ABiG

[LM66]

Hi Abi
It's a very painful realisation.
Sadly, there is nothing we can do to change it - that's the hardest thing to accept. Well it was for me.
You will have up and down days, but the down days pass.
You are spot on recognising that you need to take care of yourself. We become engulfed by our loved ones addiction, and don't realise that it's taking us down too.
Much Love
L x

[lesleerose]

Hi again abi I am so pleased you are getting to meetings it will help you greatly as it has me I am at peace
It says somewhere in the book we have managed to match calamity with serenity
Try and keep everything in the day tough I know but it will get easier
We are totally powerless over people places and things
The only control we have is over ourselves and our actions
Please please take care of number one
Yours in fellowship
Lesleyrose

[Poetry]

Abi

The progress you have made it so clear. I think once we start off on this path, we can't deviate from it. It reaches its own conclusion, which is, a better life for us after all our pain and all of our futile efforts.

I can't remember if I said above that I do have two other sons, but although they are living good lives and ate supportive of me, this does not compensate call my oldest son has done, or go anywhere whatsoever to heal the pain.

It is three and a half years since I saw my son, despite the fact that he he only lives, (that is if he is still alive), an hour's train journey away. His choice. Not mine.

I find that I'm acutely aware of finding things in my life which are joyful- just little things like laughing at something with the supermarket cashier. Having witnessed the horrors of addiction, the little things which are good and wholesome and normal mean so much more to me, to the extent that they are almost holy.

I have a long-term health problem which means I need to rest a lot, so went to bed about 4:30 this afternoon and listened to the wind and the rain lashing the windows, a sound which I love. So many people would think that was strange, but after what I've been through, a bit of wind and rain and a cosy bed is heaven.

I agree with the others that on this forum, we are all fully understood, and that is is a blessing I never anticipated. P.

[Catcull]

Hi
You have told my story.
I have a son of 31, who uses alcohol and cocaine and I feel the same as you.
I love my son but can not take any more of his abusive behaviour.
I have been in recovery for my own addiction for years.
I also feel heartbroken because i have given my son a good life.
I know he can only stop when, or if hes ready but I feel I have had enough.
I was going to FA but stopped. I suppose the best thing is to start going back and get myself strong.


much love

[LM66]

Hi Catcull
I think we have all reached that point at some stage.
My son is also the addict in my life.
It becomes a case of self preservation, and we have to protect ourselves.
If you found meetings helpful in the past, then it may certainly be beneficial to start going back. The forum can also be a good source of support too.
Much Love
L x

[Poetry]

Hello! Yes, I'd so you go back to meetings and stay on here. That is the way to get through this. You've beaten your own demons, and there's no reason you should now be brought down by someone else's.

Like you, I feel that my son had the very best possible life for. My husband and I both struggled as children, for different reasons, but both of us had to some extent, abusive childhoods, and we wanted different for our kids. Two of them have proven to us how well we did, but the addict has rejected it all. I often think that it would be terrible if we had made lots of mistakes with him, and then maybe some of the damage could be laid at our door, but it can't. Perhaps you need to remember that too. P.