Feeling lonely and Confused

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Dachsey
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Dec 18, 2021 3:35 am

Feeling lonely and Confused

Post by Dachsey »

Hello everyone,
I recently found this forum and can't believe how many similarities there are with our Son!

He began having anxiety when he was 7 or 8 which has gradually got worse and worse developing into OCD and depression.He first went to Drs with the symptoms at 17 and was dismissed he now doesn't trust anyone let alone drs.As soon as he turned 18 his drug of choice became alcohol,the amount has gone up and up to the point we have had to admit that at 21 he is an alcoholic,just writing those words rips my heart out ,he is an only and much wanted child conceived later in life,we are devastated but after burying our heads in the sand after reading many of your posts it is not going away and we realise that we are enabling him.

This advice given on the website says to set boundaries.......what kind of boundaries?

No alcohol to be drunk in the house??? ( He drinks in his bedroom as he insists he can do what he wants in his room ) we are frightened about how he will respond if we make too many new rules......

We are feeling very lonely and confused in all this ,the GP says he can't do anything.

Thankyou for reading just trying to find some hope in all this heartbreak

D
lesleerose
Posts: 1249
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Feeling lonely and Confused

Post by lesleerose »

My dearest dachey
Firstly welcome to famanon we are all the same on here the heartbreak is soul destroying... we blame ourselves but it really isn’t our fault here on famanon your son suffers from an illness mental psychologist and spiritual...
I am a recovering alcoholic 22 years now I come on here for my daughter who is a heroin addict for well over 20 years now and I have been through every emotion in the book .. I have spent thousands of pounds 8 treatment centres or treatment centres I had to try but she walked out of them all and is still using ...
Your son desperately needs help but only if he wants it ... I don’t know your financial situation but there are places like castle Craig in Scotland you could contact them for advice other than that there are many drug ( alcohol is a drug ) recovery stay in places that can help him get well ... I go to Alcoholics Anonymous am one of the lucky ones but I come on famanon for me here you will meet people who are the same as yourselves admin are exactly the same we all have the same purpose to support each other through this hell on Earth watching our loved ones destroy themselves and having absolutely no care for who they hurt or damage ....
You ask about boundaries well your son lives in your home rent free I assume he is not allowed to drink in your home ...
You may have to put him out I know I did when my addict girl’s behaviour became totally unacceptable I woke one morning with an axe over my head she was soo angry ....
You have to take care of yourselves now ...or you will go down with him
Also give him no money no matter how much he begs for it no money for clothes you can take him and buy him clothes no money for absolutely anything because you are enabling your son to remain sick ...
Call Alcoholics Anonymous they will send some literature you can leave in his bedroom even better if you can get him to talk to someone in the AA helpline yourselves can contact admin for some literature they will tell you where live famanon meetings are ( Covid allowing )
Lastly your son will lie steal take anything he can sell for his drug of choice
I am so very sorry you are going through this but you are no longer alone
Bless you in fellowship
Lesleerose
Dachsey
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Dec 18, 2021 3:35 am

Re: Feeling lonely and Confused

Post by Dachsey »

Thank you so much your advice is really helpful,we haven't actually contacted AA yet we didn't realise we could as parents.

Thanks also re Castle Craig ,it looks great but we don't have the finances for that.

I think the main issue is he is high functioning and doesn't understand what all the fuss is about ,as according to him he hasn't got a problem.........how do you get them to realise.
lesleerose
Posts: 1249
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Feeling lonely and Confused

Post by lesleerose »

You don’t they have to see this for themselves unfortunately most of them have to have lost everything including you and your husband there is no easy answer here unfortunately most don’t make it they are tortured and can’t see a way out eventually all that matters is the drug of choice it takes over completely and they become very very ill ....
You will see a thread running through Famanon you must stop enabling your son tell him if he doesn’t go to an AA meeting then he will have to leave forcibly by the police if necessary..
Don’t be an enabler it’s your home and he doesn’t get to do what he wants if it is destroying all around him ....
Time to get rid of the wishbone and get a back bone may daughter is still using after 25 years and believe me it gets worse never better
Manipulation is there game
My addict daughter would step over my dead body for a hit or her drug of choice at that particular time ...
It is very unusual for your son to be only using alcohol in this day and age most alcoholics that come to the meetings are taking other substances as well .....
Keep sharing on here your situation may not change but you will you will find peace on here as you accept you are completely powerless over your sins addiction he has to want it with all his heart and soul more than anything else in this world .... recently I had to put my sobriety in front of my 7 year old granddaughter I am crying as I say this but it’s not forever I have to step back for over 2 years now this little girl is my world and I miss her so very much it’s her mother who is the addict ... hopefully things will change in January....
The addict causes carnage but we can find peace if we work the 12 step program there is a forum for that in admin They can also provide you with literature...
Keep posting please we all need each other and read the other posts on here
Yours in fellowship
Lesleerose
Last edited by lesleerose on Wed Dec 22, 2021 12:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Feeling lonely and Confused

Post by LM66 »

Hi D
Boundaries are for you, not your son, therefore if you say
(Son) will not drink in the house, that's exactly what it means. His bedroom is in your house. Your house, your rules. However, with boundaries, there is also consequences if he breaks them. The important thing here, is that any consequences must be followed through - that's the hard part.
Unless your son acknowledges he has a problem, then nothing you do or say, will gave.an impact. If he doesn't want to stop, he won't. All you can control is how his drinking impacts on you, and how you react to it.
The tough love booklet is really helpful.
The place to start, should ypur son.agree, is the GP. A referral to addiction services and take it from there. If he won't agree, then you're on a hiding to nothing.
Stick around the forum, and if you can , check out al anon for your support. Chrck out their website for a.contact number. Just talking with someone who understands is wonderful, as unless someone has experienced addiction, they cannot even begin to imagine what life can be like.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Poetry
Posts: 1349
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Feeling lonely and Confused

Post by Poetry »

Hello!! I typed up such a long response earlier, so God alone knows where that is lurking. A big welcome to the forum. I agree with what everybody else has said above. In my message which was lost I recommended AA wholeheartedly. Your son will get a warm welcome if he can be persuaded to go.

You are quite within your rights making rules for how he behaves in your home. All addicts thinks that they are above the law, so whether they are high functioning, as indeed my son was, with a fantastic intellect, or nothing of the sort, they'll think that they are the exception.

We are all on this forum to help us survive the onslaught of their addiction. I do realise that when people join, and I was one of them, we all think that we can get the addict better, but only the addict can get the addict better. We have to protect our own property, health and sanity, not to mention other relationships.

I hope that you and your husband can agree to put your son in the direction of AA and to make boundaries for yourselves which will teach him that you are not going to put up with anything and everything which he throws your way. A friend of mine who used to live on the same road as I did is an alcoholic. She's been sober about 3 years now. I know that her daughters phoned AA, and someone from a local group came out to see her. She has been attending meetings ever since and is doing really well. P
Dachsey
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Dec 18, 2021 3:35 am

Re: Feeling lonely and Confused

Post by Dachsey »

Thank you very much for all the wonderful support and suggestions, it sounds like AA is the way to go and I will try and download the tough love leaflet.

I know it is putting things off but I think we will challenge him again in the new year,if he ends up leaving I would hate him to end up on the streets over Christmas.

I will keep you updated,Thanks again
lesleerose
Posts: 1249
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Feeling lonely and Confused

Post by lesleerose »

Dear Dachsey yes I agree with you it’s so very tough at the best of times never mind Christmas
I know that the powers that be don’t want anyone homeless so he would probably go to a hostel if he didn’t want help ...
I suppose what you have in your favour is your son hasn’t wanted for anything I mean like a bed to sleep in warm food lovely and cozy with 2 loving parents ...
It would be a real shock to him to live in a hostel it might be enough to get him to go to AA
I mentioned castle Craig depending on the resources of each council there is a good chance he could get in for free ....but obviously he would have to want it as there are no locks on the doors if you don’t want it there are plenty who do is the sort of attitude...
There is also turning point and Phoenix house these can also be subsidised not sure where you live ...
Over the festive season try and put some boundaries up just small ones every journey starts with the first step .... I wish your son well and a very happy Christmas to all of you Keep posting that’s the best thing to do on famanon it’s how we solve the common problem by sharing with each other
Yours In fellowship
Lesleerose
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