Yearly Relapse

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Troubled_10
Posts: 28
Joined: Mon Dec 17, 2018 5:52 pm

Yearly Relapse

Post by Troubled_10 »

Here we are again!
My husband has done really well this last year, concentrating on his training and his job and his boss does nothing but sing his praises. It's been a while year since I posted and things have been great.
But this time of year every year he goes on a bender on crack. I've spoken to him about the pattern and he knows it's a difficult time of year for me trust wise. He really let me down last night as I had volunteer work to do and was supposed to go spend the evening with his mum. Phoned me to say he was picking something up for a friend's family they had made us for Christmas and would be home in around 40 minutes. After that he was non contactable. I have a feeling he has had his bonus from work, which he was getting in cash form. He hasn't come home last night. Ignored my calls and texts. I'm so fed up. Do I just forgive that it's a lapse, or do I throw the towel in. I feel like as soon as trust has built back up. He just fucks it all off. Christmas just feels sad now and trust is once again broken. My son knows what goes on as he's 11, it's supposed to be a nice time for memories for him and these memories each year just aren't.
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Yearly Relapse

Post by LM66 »

Hi Troubled
I'm sorry to read that this is happening.
Do you stay or do you leave? Well, you have to think "is it worth staying?" For you and your son to have these memories. You will know in your heart.
I would also question his ability to just have a binge at this time of year, then stop. I would suggest that would be difficult.
He knows what he is doing, that is clear, and he knows the impact it would have on you and your son - yet he done it. That itself speaks volumes to me. And, at almost Christmas time!
I hope you will concentrate on you and your boy moving forward.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
lesleerose
Posts: 1247
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Yearly Relapse

Post by lesleerose »

Dear troubled you can’t be a little bit of an addict if your an addict your an addict bit like being pregnant you either are or you are not ...
My thinking is ( and I speak for myself ) that the drug is in the powder the illness is inside me so if I am using anything to get away from me I am in the throws of addiction it’s not the quantity it’s what the effects it has on you and your son and also on him ...
His behaviour is not acceptable even if it is only once a year he is in denial ... you didn’t say whether your husband goes to CA or NA because these fellowships are total abstinence...
Your son is at a very impressionable age and only you can decide whether you are going to accept the unacceptable...
It may be once a year and possibly his job and family are keeping him on track for a while but this is a progressive illness and it gets worse never better and it will get worse ...
There is a 12 step program of recovery for you on here because this isn’t about your husband this is about you and how you deal with your emotions if you don’t take care of the emotion they will take care of you
Hope this helps
Lesleerose
Troubled_10
Posts: 28
Joined: Mon Dec 17, 2018 5:52 pm

Re: Yearly Relapse

Post by Troubled_10 »

Thankyou for your replies.
It does seem to happen around this time of year. He has been to long rehabs twice in the last 6 years. Generally he is a good husband. And he hates himself for what he does. He doesn't seem to go off on one and it is one offs. Which makes it harder to throw everything away I guess. But it does hurt when he does this, I feel like it just breaks trust that had been hard to rebuild. And I feel disrespected. I believe that it is a lapse rather than a relapse and do believe it is a one off. He doesnt do NA or CA. He goes to a men's bible study with other recovered addicts. Which generally keeps him well. And we attend church weekly as we are Christians. He has been given a final warning from his boss, which he is very lucky. But he's a brilliant worker and his boss really likes him and is frustrated as he has so much potential and on a hole keeps his head down. My husband and I have been together for 16yrs, married 6. It's so hard as I say to just call it a day. He made abit of a wrong move last weekend and helped out at a homeless Christmas meal. He did say after he doesn't want to help again as he doesnt want to be around people like that. But I didn't hear that as a trigger. If he had I would have been more aware of his mind set. He believes that helping there was a trigger. I've decided that if this is it and is just a lapse moment. I will put it behind us and move forward. But I'm at my last straw and if it happens again (highly unlikely as he doesn't carry money often, I deal with finances and the money he used was cash bonus from work). I will tel him to leave as I'm not prepared to keep going on like this.
Dachsey
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Dec 18, 2021 3:35 am

Re: Yearly Relapse

Post by Dachsey »

Hello there,

I am very new to this forum and have received some great advice.

But I notice from your post that you are Christian's and I was wondering if you have heard of Celebrate Recovery?it is very similar to AA,there are meetings all round the country but you can get a taste of what they do here,but the "higher power" is Jesus

https://youtu.be/9ORqiHw3olA?list=PLW6o ... wBKXxY6rSs

We are Christians and just had to face it that our Son who has Been raised in a Christian home is an alcoholic at 21 we are absolutely heart broken but praying that he will recognise he has a problem and go to CR,but my hubby and myself are going to join a group for ourselves too.

🙏 for you and your family

Love and Blessings D x
Poetry
Posts: 1348
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Yearly Relapse

Post by Poetry »

Troubled

So sorry to hear this, and that your husband has betrayed the trust you placed in him. You say he's a good happened most of the time, and I'm sure he is, but it doesn't really in any way excuse what he's just done.

I do understand your dilemma. This could be the last time he does this, but, addiction is progressive. He can't have the odd binge here and there. After one of those binges, he'll be gripped, and that will be it.

If I were in your position, I would give him a final warning and make it clear that after one more slip you are out. That is not blackmail. It is protecting yourself and your child's future. P.
lesleerose
Posts: 1247
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Yearly Relapse

Post by lesleerose »

Dearest troubled
I am so very sorry you are going through this and trying to keep the home peaceful..
One of the symptoms of this dis-ease is denial you will know in your heart ..
You say your husband only relapses once a year I very much doubt this as you say he is on his last warning at work ..,
If your husband goes to NA or CA then he has a chance if not then in my experience he has no chance of recovery... I speak through experience and it’s only my experience I don’t talk for famanon just my experience recovery over 22 years now over 5 million people can’t be wrong world wide ...
I also would give him this option if he fails he has to go because famanon is not about your husband it’s about you because the partner wife children become very ill and thus the squirrel cage round and round again until you come up for a breather .. it’s my daughter who is the addict over 20 years now a beautiful girl lost in this relentless illness a former shadow of herself .... You are enabling your husband please don’t for the sake of you and your son ...
There is a 12 step recovery program on here it’s on the forum and admin will let you know about this these people are the salt of the earth they also have addiction in there family and there services are free they don’t even want to know your second name
Please keep posting on here your situation may not change but you will change and find peace
Bless you in fellowship
Lesleyrose
Troubled_10
Posts: 28
Joined: Mon Dec 17, 2018 5:52 pm

Re: Yearly Relapse

Post by Troubled_10 »

Thankyou again for the recent replies.
I can say, that in no way do I enable his behaviour. I have been in the depths of his addiction. Prior to his year in rehab and I did have to make him leave the family home.
The reason he is on a final warning is because of not turning into work yesterday because of his use the night before. His boss has told him it is a stackable offence and he isn't prepared to keep someone on of they are going to go down the wrong path. I've spoken to his boss myself as he was a church member and has great admiration for me and appreciates how well my husband learns and works (he's an apprentice). He has had moments in the pasts which have been more lapses than relapses which I know can happen at any stage of recovery. Not that I excuse it... Believe me.
He has been told that if he does it again, I will end things.
I will also look into the CR mentioned too, maybe that could help alongside the bible study he does weekly for people in recovery. And might even be good for me. I know famanon is for me. I came here to express my disappointment and hurt I guess.
Thankyou to all that have replied. I do take on board what's said. And this site is an amazing help.
Poetry
Posts: 1348
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Yearly Relapse

Post by Poetry »

Keep posting! P.
cm748
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2021 6:18 pm

Re: Yearly Relapse

Post by cm748 »

Hi,

I just wanted to message as there are certain elements of your conversation I can completely relate to. I'm sorry this has happened and I'm sorry this happened at this time of year.

From what you've said your husband is in recovery, not active addition. I don't think the path to recovery is perfect. That's the reason for the phrase "take it one day at a time". Its clear from statistics gathered over the last few years that those in recovery are struggling more than ever just now! Relapse rates are at an all time high. Drug deaths are also on the increase. All of our lives have been turned up side down and those relying on the support of group meetings etc have had those cut from them. Community and social services were stretched before and they are even more now.

It sounds like your husband is trying and is making improvements. He's made a mistake and it sounds like he's been honest about that now.

Personally I think to suggest that recovery is impossible without the 12 steps is nonsense. I know a number of people who have looked to religion or alternatives supports to guide their recovery and are doing so successfully. The principle behind all of it is the same - try to be a good person!

However this program is based on 12 steps so I will make reference to it -

Step 8—make a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
Step 9 - Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

It sounds like your husband might be working through these steps, he's just not calling them steps.

My husband is also in recovery and he has also had ups and downs along the way. I don't think I've heard of anyone who hasn't. As long as he doesn't give up, I don't see why I should or why I would stop supporting him. It also really annoys me when people suggest that I'm enabling him just because I haven't thrown him out of the house and cut him out my life (sorry side lined by my pet peeve rant) which I feel would just be unnecessary drama. If he wants to talk to you why not ask about he relapsed, what about that situation triggered him, why did he feel like his response should be to use, what is it about this time of year? If you can listen to him then you can help him to avoid similar situations happening again. Ask him what you can do to help him. You might not want to talk to him about it and I'm sure he will discuss this with the people at church and they will also support him to improve on this.

I'm sure he will be punishing himself enough in his mind for what has happened. As long as you feel that your feelings have been acknowledged and he is making an effort to made amends then maybe that's enough? After all isn't part of our own recovery being able to forgive. We don't need to forget but I've found forgiving really heals.
Troubled_10
Posts: 28
Joined: Mon Dec 17, 2018 5:52 pm

Re: Yearly Relapse

Post by Troubled_10 »

Cm48 - Thankyou so much for what you just wrote. It felt like you understood me fully in what I was saying. Lapses can happen, but yes it doesn't mean a relapse.
I have in the past made my husband leave. But that was because him being here was unbearable. I felt used. He went to rehab for around 8 months and we worked on ourselves. There has been times since then. But I notice a pattern in yearly behaviour. It does make things hard for me, because as you say there's forgiving, but forgetting is hard. We have trauma too. So this time of year is hard for me too as I become a little wary.
He has spoken about doing some counselling, so if that helps him aswell then that's good.
I have things to work on myself and technically we're also in recovery too.
lesleerose
Posts: 1247
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Yearly Relapse

Post by lesleerose »

Dear troubled when an addict or alcoholic lapses or relapses it is a disaster not a lapse or relapse because the next one could kill them ...
I don’t mean to be doom and gloom just honest it’s our life and our loved ones lives that are on the line ...this is the reality not negative or positive I like to believe where there is life there is hope ....
Yes I agree I always want to remain teachable the day I have cracked it so to speak I am in big trouble ...
My daughter has disappeared for over a year that used to be so very traumatic for me waiting for that call horrible...
It’s not like that today because I have famanon which has shown me through the 12 step program to let go with love ...
I have absolutely no control of what happens to my beautiful daughter whom I love so dearly ...
A very happy new year to all
Yours in fellowship
Lesleerose
2splendourangel
Posts: 155
Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2021 11:45 am

Re: Yearly Relapse

Post by 2splendourangel »

Such a good post from LesLee and a true insight into the question of yearly relapse. I fully agree not whether it is a lapse or relapse but the fact that one disaster could be the outcome of actions taken either from alcohol or drugs. Considering the fact that if the alcoholic/drug user has been following 12 steps or recovery just staying well and they relapse/lapse they are in danger the body's tolerance level has adjusted when keeping to recovery and many addicts
not fully aware of that will shoot up their choice of drug and overdose themselves leading to death if no-body is around to help. Personally I know of the twelve steps and will soon familiarize myself with it more. Also I done a two year course on alcohol/drug addiction professionally run but also attended by ex drug users and non drug users. The course was fantastic but for me it did not give enough information on alcoholism so when I finished that I found one that concentrated more on just alcoholism which then helped me know about that side of things as well.
I have done the courses and in real life have had more than one family member involved with alcohol/drugs. I have not mentioned a nephew of mine on here as yet he got himself into drugs after his father had sent him to Australia because in my brothers words that would straighten him out. I was glad he was in Australia because I had young children and did not want him around them. The years went by and my children were leaving school and getting ready to go to Uni so
life was okay for me. My late mother was getting ill and my nephew in Australia begged his father to send him a ticket
so he could come to see his grand-mother before anything happened to her. My brother relented and sent the ticket and to be honest I was even looking forward to seeing my nephew he had been away about 9 years and of course my late mother was over the moon as he was her first grand-child that she had dearly loved.
To cut a long story short it was all good at first but my nephew was an addict (my mother was never told) anyway she died after about a year and nephew was with my brother but eventually nephew had to get a place on his own as his addiction was a curse and my brother could not handle it. Nephew gave my brother 4-5 years of hell and when I say hell there was so many things he done that were unbelievable. It would all take to long to explain as complex but my brother went out one afternoon with his 20 year old son leaving the big nephew to mow the front lawn. When my brother returned 2 hours later he found nephew unconscious on the sofa the ambulance was called immediately but there was nothing the paramedics could do and he was pronounced dead.
Alcohol/drugs as far as I am concerned are not a lifestyle a happy few hours of pleasure or if you get down then just
have a little toot to help you on your way. They can be one breath of difference between life or death.
My story is harsh but reality
Splendourangel
Poetry
Posts: 1348
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Yearly Relapse

Post by Poetry »

What a fascinating story Splendour. Also tragic.

There's s a saying that thd stories of our lives are all potential blockbusters, or something like that.

My brother was an addict, who refused to seek recovery. He used to go missing for long stretches of time, and my mum used to say that she feared he would be found dead at the foot of a flight of stairs. We used to try to console her by telling her that your worst fears are never realised. Unbelievably, he was found one morning, dead at the bottom of a flight of stairs.

I remember speaking to her on the phone, as my brother drove up straight away to be with my parents, and I took over a few days later, sobbing on the phone and telling her I was so sorry, because what she had said would happen had happened! She just said, "its all right."

Life is so ASTOUNDING. P.
lesleerose
Posts: 1247
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Yearly Relapse

Post by lesleerose »

Dearest poetry a mother knows ...
My fear I suppose is that my addict disappears from life and I never get to know how it all ended
People go missing every day .. when I never used to hear from ( my addict ) I would become frantic and contact the police they would find her and she would be out of it with the vile language etc that left me ill for weeks at a time ...
So now I don’t it’s a case of let sleeping dogs lie or they may wake up and bite you
Lesleerose
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