Am I being unreasonable?

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2605
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Feb 10, 2022 8:49 pm

Am I being unreasonable?

Post by 2605 »

Hello everyone, I’m new to families anonymous after finding information on line when looking for help advice and maybe some answers dealing with being the wife of an addict

My husband and I have been together for almost 19 years, married for 17 it’s not always been easy we’ve had ups and downs like any relationship but in oct 2020 we separated as he admitted he was heavily in debt, at the time saying he had a gambling addiction.

Shortly afterwards it came to the light via information from a “friend” the real reason for the debt was drug use - cocaine and alcohol, after admitting the true reasons for the debt my husband reached out to narcotics anonymous and got help initially we remained separated but we have a son together and 2 step children and through counselling separately at first, and then as couple we started to live together again after an 8 month separation.

My husband is now 12 months clean and I couldn’t be prouder of him it’s been really hard work and I’m trying so hard to support him, he attends regular NA meetings and recently shared on his group and the share was recorded he sent me the recording as he thought I’d be interested to listen.

I’ll be honest hearing his frank honesty was so painful, hearing him talk about his drug use in this meeting in such an honest way was like a knife to my heart because he’s never been that honest with me. He talked about having 5-6 hour binges whilst I was at work during lockdown with my son in the house about the drug use being an issue for 20 years.

I know he has an addiction problem but now I’m questioning everything we’ve ever done everywhere we’ve ever been “was he using this day?” “is this why he had mood swings?” is this why he left this job?” “who’s he using with?”

I feel lost and alone and stupid that he was doing this for so long and I never knew and hearing him talk at NA it doesn’t even sound like him, the man I married the man I love.

When I told him how I felt he got so annoyed and defensive with me saying he was being l honest to help other people on the group, but I find it so hurtful he could be honest in a zoom meeting with 60+ people but not with me.

I don’t know if this sounds selfish and like I’m not being supportive of him he’s struggled with mental health issues and I feel like I’m always there for him but now that I’m struggling he’s not interested , I’m interested to hear from other partners of addicts about how you dealt with these issues and learnt to trust again is there hope for me I feel so lost in my feelings and I find it hard to talk to friends and family about this because they don’t understand, and I can’t talk to my husband because the conversations go nowhere he doesn’t seem to have any insight into how this has made me feel.

Thank you for reading, I’ll be grateful if any advice x
james
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2022 8:52 am

Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Post by james »

Hi there. I to am new and posted my first post yesterday. Similar to yourself it was my wife that was the addict, she has been in NA for 10 months and has remained clean and doing fantastically. I am incredibly proud of her recovery. My wife has done so well that she asked for a divorce at new year, we are currently reconciling but it opened floodgates for me. I can relate to every word. I understand the resentment and like you am often angered by the honesty shown within NA and if I am honest jealous of how close she is with her sponsor and NA family. I look back and wonder after years of being there through the active addiction why the honesty and apologies go to others then feel ashamed of myself for thinking that way. You are not alone and the more I have read and understood we are allowed to be hurt and to have these thoughts and feelings. I wish you well and know that there are others out here feeling and thinking like you. Wishing you well.
James
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Post by LM66 »

No, you are not being unreasonable. You have all these feelings and nagging doubts, and don't know what to do with them.
Addiction is very selfish, and so is recovery, as the addict concentrstes fully on their recovery. You need your recovery - this is about you now.
Its normal to have these feelings. You've heard " all this truth" and it hurts.
You were on the receiving end of his addiction, and the behaviours that went along with that. You and the children's lifes disrupted with the separation - I would be more concerned if you didn't have the feelings and thoughts that you do.
You are entitled to feel. Entitled to be angry and hurt, at what he's done.
Now, you have to find a way that allows you to vent those feelings, and find a way to move forward. Sharing with people " who get it" is so helpful. Friends and family, with the best will in the world, will never understand if they haven't experienced addiction with a loved one. It is devastating!
Face to face famanon groups, or online sessions may be beneficial, and 1:1 counselling for yourself may help you forge a way forwards and deal with these feelings.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
lesleerose
Posts: 1247
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Post by lesleerose »

Yes I agree with LM she has it right ...
on a positive note both of you newbies it is such a big thing for your addicts to be completely honest with you and although this hurts it’s a massive step in recovery...
it’s so very common for the spouse to be annoyed and angry how can you talk to a crowd of strangers and I am the one who has gone through all of this
The truth is we become very unwell we become addicted to them as they become addicted to their drug of choice
The program of recovery here on famanon will help you so much and buy some of the literature and if possible get to a live or zoom meeting the recovery is all in the sharing ... with like minded people
Both of you newbies are doing so very well as are your partners and I really mean that 23 years of experience tells me that
You and your partners are beginning to live in reality WOW what an amazing journey you are on you will have a life beyond your wildest dreams
Yours in fellowship
Lesleerose
2605
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Feb 10, 2022 8:49 pm

Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Post by 2605 »

Thanks so much guys your support means a lot and I don’t feel so alone.

Could anyone recommend some literature/reading/YouTube videos to watch around the subject I’d be really interested
Has anyone read the 12 steps literature is this helpful from a non addict point of view?

I’d definitely be interested in attending a group session but I already know we have non in my local area maybe a zoom meeting will be more accessible where is the best place to find these?

Sorry lots of questions x
lesleerose
Posts: 1247
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Post by lesleerose »

Try admin on here for zoom meetings and literature also the famanon website
The program of recovery is for you too
Please keep posting
Yours in fellowship
Lesleyrose
There should also be 12 step guidance on YouTube it’s the same program no matter what fellowship your in maybe al anon website as well can help ...
Which is for alcohol but alcohol is a drug am sure they would only be to pleased for you to come to one of there meetings ...
Poetry
Posts: 1344
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Post by Poetry »

2605 it's good to to hear how you are feeling. I'm sure that you will benefit from being on here with the rest of us. That is quite some coincidence that Jim only came on yesterday, and is saying exactly the same sorts of things as you are.

LM is quite right to point out that you are perfectly within your rights to have those feelings. You wouldn't be human if you didn't. You have been through terrible times, and have to work through that suffering, and find brighter and better futures for yourselves.

. I realise that I am writing as if I haven't been through this, but of course I have, and shall say a bit more about that in a minute. For now, you, too, have to recover, and to an extent, that recovery is separate from anything which is going on with your partners.

Hearing the testimony given to the group over zoom must have been devastating.

It is just my opinion, and other who have been involved with addicts, or are addicts themselves, might disagree, but I think that some things are best kept private.
It is neither possible nor desirable to share everything with the person we live with. I couldn't bear it if I didn't have a private emotional life.

When addicts begin on the route to recovery, they are as self obsessed as they ever were when they were on drugs, so your husband will not perceived that it was an error of judgement to share with you. He will just have been so pleased that he gave this testimony.

I don't know how you do it, but you need to find a way now, of dealing with this hurt, and if talking to us on the forum helps, then if I were you, I would do that, and use the forum to work out your feelings. We are here for you, and I don't mean to sound cruel, but not for the addicts, although we wish them all the best.

My oldest son is an addict, is now out of touch, stolen from us, abused everybody in the family, and, well, as you can imagine, I could go on. But it isn't he whom I want to mention actually.

My brother was an alcoholic. My parents enabled him for years, and for most of those years, I was advising my parents and my brother that he needed to go to AA. None
of them thought that was remotely good advice!

While this enabling was going on, my parents strove to keep the majority of it from my other brother and me, preferring to keep it under wraps. We were sidelined and lied to, and of course, masses of money leaked away. It isn't about money of course, but it was all very underhanded. He died eventually.

Then my non-alcoholic brother and his wife divorced, terrifically acrimoniously, and my parents were devastated all over again, because they were strong Catholics and it was shameful in their view. I was heavily involved in supporting this brother, as he came through all of this, and from time to time his behaviour didn't bear scrutiny.

My father then turned on me and I shan't go into details, but it was pretty bad. Both he and my mum are dead now, but I still feel resentful that I pulled out all the stops when sometimes it wasn't suitable for me to do so, to love them all and back them up, only to be treated like a dish rag. It's all right to feel angry and hurt, and resentful, because we matter too!!!

I usually try to keep my points quite general, but from time to time and up writing a story on here. I do enjoy telling a story! P
lesleerose
Posts: 1247
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Post by lesleerose »

Dear 6025 in my happiness for 2 newcomers coming onto the forum I didn’t read your post properly..
Sometimes I get mixed up with my fellowships and my memory is marred with ME
I have never heard of anyone taping or recording their experience unless it’s at a convention
This is not the program your husband should not have shared that with you this is step 4 and 5 where you share all of this stuff with god and one other person his ( sponsor ) unless he was trying to alleviate his guilt which again shouldn’t have been done ...
I am very sorry you had to hear this it is so wrong ....
In A.A. N.A and C.A sponsors are very much considerate of the addicts spouse and family and usually support them 100% by letting them know the years of hell they have put their families through ...
Famanon and alanon are the unsung heroes that is for sure enduring years and years of abuse ..
I once recommended a book on here called “ When love is not enough “ written by the co-founders wife Louis Wilson which in turn started up al-anon and many other groups now
If it wasn’t for Louis Wilson AA would probably never have gotten of the ground ..
I couldn’t sleep thinking I had given out the wrong information please forgive me in my child like excitement newcomers are the highlight of my life as the people the power and the program on here saved me from a horrendous death
Yours in fellowship
Lesleerose
Poetry
Posts: 1344
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Post by Poetry »

The book Leslee recommends is very powerful, and a good read. She recommend it on here once before and I bought it. The narrative catches alight at the point that Lois Wilson, married to Bill who co-founded AA, realises that, even though the work he is doing is absolutely brilliant, her own suffering has been completely left out of it all.

The results were Al anon and Famanon. P.
2605
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Feb 10, 2022 8:49 pm

Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Post by 2605 »

Thanks for the recommendation it’s on its way via Amazon can’t wait to read it

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching since my original post and replies from you all and I’ve had a look at 12 steps used by famanon reading all this feels quite liberating and I can relate so much it’s made me look at some of my own behaviour and how I can change to make our recovery as husband and wife more positive, whilst supporting his recovery too.

I also listened to “Anne’s story” this morning wow what an amazing woman
dramaqueen
Posts: 385
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 2:06 pm

Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Post by dramaqueen »

Hi 2605 and James - welcome

2605 - I completely agree that your husband should not have shared his testimony with you. Step 9 is when he should be considering making amends to you and all others who he has harmed in his life. The AA big book, the original 12 step text, is very clear that some amends cannot be made if these would harm the person receiving them. This includes telling people things they would otherwise have been unaware of; baring all to help himself feel better without thinking about your feelings.

I wonder what step your husband has reached? I agree with lesleerose that this kind of baring of all truths should be part of steps 4&5, i.e. shared only with his sponsor or therapist/other trusted person. Once that has happened, the amend making needs to be thought through very carefully. I am working the steps myself (to deal with my codependency) and am on Step 9. I have been reading "A Woman's Way through the 12 Steps" and she urges people to think through very carefully what their motivation is for making amends.

It must have been really upsetting for you to hear all of that, especially about the drug binges while you were out at work. While it is appropriate to share that at an NA meeting, it was a very careless way for him to share that information with you.

Sending you lots of hugs

DQ
Last edited by dramaqueen on Sat Apr 02, 2022 11:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
dramaqueen
Posts: 385
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 2:06 pm

Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Post by dramaqueen »

2605, you asked about meetings. If you call the FamAnon helpline, they can email you a list of meetings. There are many on Zoom. You usually have to contact the meeting organiser to obtain the Zoom login details. There is a lot of FamAnon literature available to purchase on the FamAnon site, including a lovely daily reader. As Lesleerose says, AlAnon are helpful too, with a lot more literature. I tried a few AlAnon meetings myself but there was a lot of talk about alcohol. However, this is, of course, simply a legal drug, so the principles are all the same, except for the lack of criminality.

DQ
Midlands25
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2022 8:19 pm

Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Post by Midlands25 »

Hi I am in a similar situation. Also new here. I have recently posted my story. My husband is a recovering cocaine addict. He has been sober for 5 years but has relapsed Several times using cocaine. He used to drink heavily at the weekends take cocaine and not come home , steal money , lie about his whereabouts all the time. This got worse over time and I put up with this behaviour for 24 plus years but always put our children first. It was often a relief when he didn’t come home or feel asleep. When he was sober he was a good dad and husband but he changed when he drank and took cocaine.
By the time our children were teenagers and our youngest was 4 I had lhad enough and did something I thought I’d never do I asked him to leave or get help after I woke to get ready for work and take the kids to school to see him passed out on the sofa soaking in his own urine and covered in blood after another Weekend bender! For years I felt like I needed him and couldn’t live without him , I didn’t want to be alone and missed him when he didn’t come home. I thought this was normal and made excuses for him. People thought he was a laugh it was funny and made comments like “how do you put up with Him” all the time I was working hard to keep things normal for the children by building a secure family home myself and our children. No one ever really knew the real man I lived with. We never had any money and struggled for years , little did I know it was all being spent on drugs. He made me feel guilty and often turned it around on me when I caught him out.
That day he went to a group and got clean , everyone including myself was so proud of him and for a few years he was back on track. Then one morning he moved out without a word why … then admitted he had relapsed. After a few weeks he moved back home and got help again and I supported him. Trusting him is always so hard , he has put me and the children through so much yet I’ve always stuck by him And supported him Through it.
Over the last couple of years his behaviour changed and I saw the signs red flags but had no proof. Money went missing , odd behaviour , moody and frequent job changes. He distanced himself from friends….there were so many other signs.
But now I’m here as a few weeks ago my world came crashing down again.
I found out he borrowed money from our now adult children… owed a lot of money to people for drug debts and had stolen from us and and had been doing so for the last couple of years! Although this was a shock it was almost a relief to know I wasn’t going mad. I’m now trying to fix things and he’s acting like he’s down nothing wrong!

I completely understand how you feel and don’t have any answers just my own experience.
My husband won’t talk to me and gets angry and I feel like I'm
Not supportive enough yet he does not understand how I feel dealing with this all alone. I’m now struggling with my own mental health but I feel he’s not supportive of me. It’s always about him. I hope hearing my story and I know from reading yours and many others I know now we are not alone.
Feel free to message me if you would like to talk.

Midlands
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