Thought I’d nailed it
Thought I’d nailed it
Dear all
When I started FA I was full of self pity and wanted to be validated, I realise that now. After working the programme for 3 months I managed to get a handle on tough love and keeping calm in spite of my son’s addiction and behaviour.
However, this weekend I feel really sad. I know the drug use and consequences are getting worse for my son. I’m not sad for myself anymore, but dreading the facing the consequences and reality of the situation.
He is so lonely, sad and isolated. I am mostly sad about the life he had missed out on over the past 4 years. I saw two of his friends this weekend and they are all enjoying themselves travelling and socialising.. living life. I know my son is lonely, depressed and full of self loathing and missing out on life.
Grieving for my son and grieving for the life he missing.
Sometimes it’s just really sad.
How do you cope with the sad times?
A
When I started FA I was full of self pity and wanted to be validated, I realise that now. After working the programme for 3 months I managed to get a handle on tough love and keeping calm in spite of my son’s addiction and behaviour.
However, this weekend I feel really sad. I know the drug use and consequences are getting worse for my son. I’m not sad for myself anymore, but dreading the facing the consequences and reality of the situation.
He is so lonely, sad and isolated. I am mostly sad about the life he had missed out on over the past 4 years. I saw two of his friends this weekend and they are all enjoying themselves travelling and socialising.. living life. I know my son is lonely, depressed and full of self loathing and missing out on life.
Grieving for my son and grieving for the life he missing.
Sometimes it’s just really sad.
How do you cope with the sad times?
A
Re: Thought I’d nailed it
Hi Abi
I allowed myself to feel the sad times. My way of thinking is, we have to feel it, in order for it to pass. It does pass.
I too, have felt those terribly sad times, for the same reasons you mention - a wasted life - for now.
Just as we have to run the gauntlet of emotions, our sons have to run the gauntlet of the consequences of their life choices. This, may one day, encourage the desire to change.
So, I allowed myself time to feel the emotion, then I kicked it's ass into touch. Get up and do something - anything to change focus.
I rarely have sad times now, but I have a little bit of time under my belt.
Much Love
L x
I allowed myself to feel the sad times. My way of thinking is, we have to feel it, in order for it to pass. It does pass.
I too, have felt those terribly sad times, for the same reasons you mention - a wasted life - for now.
Just as we have to run the gauntlet of emotions, our sons have to run the gauntlet of the consequences of their life choices. This, may one day, encourage the desire to change.
So, I allowed myself time to feel the emotion, then I kicked it's ass into touch. Get up and do something - anything to change focus.
I rarely have sad times now, but I have a little bit of time under my belt.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Re: Thought I’d nailed it
Thanks for your encouragement.
I feel so tired and sad today.
I just don’t want to face anyone or anything.
Really don’t feel like going to work or talking to anyone.
Right… need to kick myself into gear and face the work.
A
I feel so tired and sad today.
I just don’t want to face anyone or anything.
Really don’t feel like going to work or talking to anyone.
Right… need to kick myself into gear and face the work.
A
Re: Thought I’d nailed it
I get on with something/anything. I am retired from work so I have to generate something myself but it's no problem. If I feel very bad I get a piece of paper and break the day down into half an hour chunks and give myself something to do in each of them, and plenty of rests with a nice book or an email to send. If you are going oit to work then this is done for you.
Try to go through the motions and chat to people and look cheerful, even if it's the last thing you feel like doing.
It will pass. It always does. There is nothing you can do to stop it passing!! Thank goodness!
You wouldn't be normal if you didn't have these days. We all do. I've now got 4 years of being on the forum, and having, for nearly all of those four years, no contact with my son's. Most of my days are tranquil, but there are days and nights when I am thinking about him constantly. Those, too, pass.
The waste of potential, even taking out of the equation fact that these are our children, is devastating. Most
people grab every chance they get to better themselves and seek happiness, but addicts have the opposite indistinct. Desperately sad.
But there's a lot of Joy in life too. It might be absolutely nothing at all, like seeing a spring flower, or watching a toddler on the street do something funny, but it will lift you up and sustain you.
I like the phrase "this too shall pass." P.
Try to go through the motions and chat to people and look cheerful, even if it's the last thing you feel like doing.
It will pass. It always does. There is nothing you can do to stop it passing!! Thank goodness!
You wouldn't be normal if you didn't have these days. We all do. I've now got 4 years of being on the forum, and having, for nearly all of those four years, no contact with my son's. Most of my days are tranquil, but there are days and nights when I am thinking about him constantly. Those, too, pass.
The waste of potential, even taking out of the equation fact that these are our children, is devastating. Most
people grab every chance they get to better themselves and seek happiness, but addicts have the opposite indistinct. Desperately sad.
But there's a lot of Joy in life too. It might be absolutely nothing at all, like seeing a spring flower, or watching a toddler on the street do something funny, but it will lift you up and sustain you.
I like the phrase "this too shall pass." P.
Re: Thought I’d nailed it
Thank P
Some really practical and sound advice. I’m at work, which has helped really. But working from home today, as if anyone says hello I’ll cry!
I’m planning my time and being kind to myself.
Thanks for you fellowship
Some really practical and sound advice. I’m at work, which has helped really. But working from home today, as if anyone says hello I’ll cry!
I’m planning my time and being kind to myself.
Thanks for you fellowship
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Re: Thought I’d nailed it
Hi AbiG.
I can relate to the feelings of sadness as the addict does not recognize how much they lose in this life it is only when they are finally faced with the consequences and the reality of the situation that has come about that they can
see something of the mess they are in.
It is my daughter that has the drug use although she has been going to the local agency that starts the recovery process.
I think my middle name should be "sadness" as since last Friday that is just how I have been. My daughter probably will have to spend some time apart from her children cannot say too much as I think there is confidentiality around the subject of children for their protection so do not want to get myself into trouble.
We are all feeling sad in the family at the moment myself both daughters and the children and to top it all eldest daughter tested positive for Covid on Saturday and is feeling terrible and then other daughter has it as well. I am keeping away from them as I know how ill I was in December. They had no milk or bread in the house so I got it and left it on the doorstep for them.
I do my best and put on a smile and have a little chat to people but most times I just want to get home and curl up on the sofa with the dogs my best quality time and when I feel peaceful.
2Splendourangel
I can relate to the feelings of sadness as the addict does not recognize how much they lose in this life it is only when they are finally faced with the consequences and the reality of the situation that has come about that they can
see something of the mess they are in.
It is my daughter that has the drug use although she has been going to the local agency that starts the recovery process.
I think my middle name should be "sadness" as since last Friday that is just how I have been. My daughter probably will have to spend some time apart from her children cannot say too much as I think there is confidentiality around the subject of children for their protection so do not want to get myself into trouble.
We are all feeling sad in the family at the moment myself both daughters and the children and to top it all eldest daughter tested positive for Covid on Saturday and is feeling terrible and then other daughter has it as well. I am keeping away from them as I know how ill I was in December. They had no milk or bread in the house so I got it and left it on the doorstep for them.
I do my best and put on a smile and have a little chat to people but most times I just want to get home and curl up on the sofa with the dogs my best quality time and when I feel peaceful.
2Splendourangel
Re: Thought I’d nailed it
Hi Abi,
I can relate and agree with the practical advice the others have suggested - feeling it and sharing it and putting one foot in front of the other on some of the tough days is really hard sometimes.
One of the things I came to the conclusion with in my case was that I was projecting onto him how I believe he should want to live. Mine lives in squalor for example and I spent a few years cleaning and washing for him weekly. Then I tried to ask him to at least put the rubbish into a bin , I figured that if he had the energy to go out and source drugs and stay up on benders then 4 steps to the bin to put the rubbish in wasn't really a big stretch.
But he didn't , mine dosen't want to . He today wants to be a drug addict and all that goes with that , more than he wants to get help and join society.
Is it insane to me? ..... absolutely . I sometimes stand amazed at what he has thrown away but mine keeps going along this path - his choice today.
Take care
Lost x
I can relate and agree with the practical advice the others have suggested - feeling it and sharing it and putting one foot in front of the other on some of the tough days is really hard sometimes.
One of the things I came to the conclusion with in my case was that I was projecting onto him how I believe he should want to live. Mine lives in squalor for example and I spent a few years cleaning and washing for him weekly. Then I tried to ask him to at least put the rubbish into a bin , I figured that if he had the energy to go out and source drugs and stay up on benders then 4 steps to the bin to put the rubbish in wasn't really a big stretch.
But he didn't , mine dosen't want to . He today wants to be a drug addict and all that goes with that , more than he wants to get help and join society.
Is it insane to me? ..... absolutely . I sometimes stand amazed at what he has thrown away but mine keeps going along this path - his choice today.
Take care
Lost x
Re: Thought I’d nailed it
I share your pain. I am managing my sadness and despair by praying. It has helped me a lot. I am not sure you have a faith, but believing there is Greater Power who is listening to me, makes me feel better and full of hope and positivity.
Being part of the forum also helps, as I feel I am not alone.
Wish you a day of hope today.
"A day at the time"
Being part of the forum also helps, as I feel I am not alone.
Wish you a day of hope today.
"A day at the time"
Re: Thought I’d nailed it
Absolutely, Julianne.
I don't consider myself religious, but spiritual. Any belief that brings us comfort, is a good thing.
Much Love
L x
I don't consider myself religious, but spiritual. Any belief that brings us comfort, is a good thing.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Re: Thought I’d nailed it
Me too. I'm not religious either tho I was brought up as a Catholic. I am spiritual too, and have a sort of faith that they might possibly, be something other than ourselves. I certainly pray when I'm feeling very bad, and it helps and strengthens me, for whatever reason. Totally in support of prayer. P.
Re: Thought I’d nailed it
I wish that there could be something like 'sectioning' for drug addicts. I might sound rigid but I do wish if the families could be able to involuntarily commit their addict loved ones to rehab to get clean. Forcibly.
I know this is wishful thinking and maybe I am coming across as rigid. It is so hard to reason with an addict. And I have literally suffered every day. Can't even be productive at work. You need peace from home, if you want to be peaceful yourself. In my case I am in an even perplexed situation as I don't know what my brother will do once his student visa runs out, if he will go on the streets or will get deported.
It all comes down to consent, capacity and commitment. All of which the addict mostly declines too.
I don't know what they put in these drugs. It strips a person of morality, humanity and senses.
AJ
I know this is wishful thinking and maybe I am coming across as rigid. It is so hard to reason with an addict. And I have literally suffered every day. Can't even be productive at work. You need peace from home, if you want to be peaceful yourself. In my case I am in an even perplexed situation as I don't know what my brother will do once his student visa runs out, if he will go on the streets or will get deported.
It all comes down to consent, capacity and commitment. All of which the addict mostly declines too.
I don't know what they put in these drugs. It strips a person of morality, humanity and senses.
AJ
Re: Thought I’d nailed it
Oh AJ, we've all wished that we could have our addicts locked up and cleaned up. Sad thing is, they would come out and just start again. That's why it's so important that they want the change for themselves.
It's natural for you to worry about your brother, but please try and put yourself as priority, so that you don't fall victim to his using.
Addiction really is the devil.
Much Love
L x
It's natural for you to worry about your brother, but please try and put yourself as priority, so that you don't fall victim to his using.
Addiction really is the devil.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
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Re: Thought I’d nailed it
Hi abi
I really do identify with you when I see what could have been it’s so very soul destroying watching your child kill themselves and being totally powerless....
My girl is the addict over 20 years now I didn’t know you could grieve them because they were still alive but you can someone on here told me how ...
Here on famanon I have learned to live with it and detach with love but it has not been easy ....
I think we are all guilty of thinking everyone else’s children are ok but in reality we all have our own cross to bear
This is part of the healing process for you
I have recommended a book on here written by Louis Wilson who was the wife of Bill Wilson co founder of AA which is the same program of recovery for us here on famanon the book is called “ when love is not enough “
Please remember this is not your fault stay strong and don’t do death by duvet you are one of the strong ones
Yours in fellowship
Lesleyrose
I really do identify with you when I see what could have been it’s so very soul destroying watching your child kill themselves and being totally powerless....
My girl is the addict over 20 years now I didn’t know you could grieve them because they were still alive but you can someone on here told me how ...
Here on famanon I have learned to live with it and detach with love but it has not been easy ....
I think we are all guilty of thinking everyone else’s children are ok but in reality we all have our own cross to bear
This is part of the healing process for you
I have recommended a book on here written by Louis Wilson who was the wife of Bill Wilson co founder of AA which is the same program of recovery for us here on famanon the book is called “ when love is not enough “
Please remember this is not your fault stay strong and don’t do death by duvet you are one of the strong ones
Yours in fellowship
Lesleyrose
Re: Thought I’d nailed it
Sending you a big warm hug for your appointment tomorrow, Leslee.
Part of coming through health problems and learning to live with them is getting everything clear in our minds as to what it is that ails us.
I'm sure you'll get there and find some amelioration. Do keep letting us know. P. Xxx
Part of coming through health problems and learning to live with them is getting everything clear in our minds as to what it is that ails us.
I'm sure you'll get there and find some amelioration. Do keep letting us know. P. Xxx
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- Posts: 1272
- Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm
Re: Thought I’d nailed it
Hi poetry just spent the last 24 hours in bed ill
Got 3 biopsy’s must have set something of in my body
Turning into a monkey banana rice crispies soup lol
Just waiting for the results I must say the NHS have been terrific 2 doctors and 2 nurses they were very professional made me feel important it nearly made me cry such caring people
Anyway if to a meeting
Yours in fellowship
Lesleerose
Got 3 biopsy’s must have set something of in my body
Turning into a monkey banana rice crispies soup lol
Just waiting for the results I must say the NHS have been terrific 2 doctors and 2 nurses they were very professional made me feel important it nearly made me cry such caring people
Anyway if to a meeting
Yours in fellowship
Lesleerose