Thoughts

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kee700918
Posts: 84
Joined: Sat Jun 19, 2021 7:10 pm

Thoughts

Post by kee700918 »

Hi
Guess I'm looking for an easy answer where I don't know if there is one!
I've posted before so to cut a long story short my alcoholic addicted sibling aged 50 is still living with my frail elderly mother, been over a year now. He's still drinking. No sign of moving out and has allegedly been working this last 5 months. He lost everything before and she wouldn't see him homeless. He is vague about his financial situation and says he's looking for somewhere. I think unless he addresses his addiction he will end up back at my mums and this will just be a vicious circle. He lies and she believes him.
Last week she fell and broke her wrist he was there and phoned my son to tell him, I have blocked him but he could have phoned the landline, he was drunk. I had to rush up and take her to A & E, he had locked us out at 3am when I brought her home.
My health has been severely affected over the years, seeing a counsellor next week and feel as though for my own sanity I need to walk away. But how can I live with myself knowing I've left her to his mercy. I can't see an end to it as she is in denial, enabling him and there is a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship between them.
My other sibling is a recovered alcoholic, who put us through hell, again my mum in denial even when I was assaulted by them and now have ptsd. I really can't dig any deeper to keep going.
Apart from this forum I've no support. My husband fed up listening to me!
Thanks for reading, love and hugs x
lesleerose
Posts: 1249
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Thoughts

Post by lesleerose »

Hi kee
Yes I have had a never ending nightmare with my daughter over 20 years now
Mentally psychically scarred and thousands of pounds
I have now stopped all the enabling
I am also in recovery from alcohol I go to AA 26 years now
This is really about you and your poor mum
If I was you I would contact age concern they are brilliant
I have called them before for someone in the same situation as yourself
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are
Bless you in fellowship
Lesleyrose
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Thoughts

Post by LM66 »

Hi Kee
It's so hard to deal with the guilt, and the responsibility that we think we have. Especially for an elderly parent.
It's not your fault that your mum is in denial, and you know that she won't change. So, you are in a position of choosing "self sacrifice" and your own health deteriorating further, or stepping back to save yourself.
Nothing you have done thus far, has changed anything, and its not likely to Kee. What about you, your husband and your life, your kids? You deserve to live your life.
Can' t you still have contact with your mum via telephone? Is she able to go out for lunch with you or bring her to you for lunch?
You can choose to totally ignore your brother, unless he is behaving poorly towards your mum. Would your mum be eligible for home care services? Or as Lesleerose said, possibly contact Age UK, they may be able to offer support. If your mum still has capacity, more formal decisions can't be made, without her consent.
There's no quick and easy answer, that's for sure. Have you spoken to your mum about how you feel? How your siblings have impacted on you?
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
kee700918
Posts: 84
Joined: Sat Jun 19, 2021 7:10 pm

Re: Thoughts

Post by kee700918 »

Thank you both very much for your replies. Much appreciated.
I got a Power of Attorney done last year when it became clear he was moving in. However I know he will continue with the woe is me, everyone is against him and he is blameless script.
I unfortunately lost the plot the other day and said too much to my mum. Not very proud of myself, however I managed to speak calmly about it yesterday and she wants my other sibling to speak to him about definite plans to move out. Told her I was off work with stress due to the negative consequences of his behaviour and the worry of the whole situation.

I will look into Age Concern. She is able to live on her own, manage light housework and light meals.

I feel as though I've come off the rails this time, not helping that I'm at the perimenopause\menopausal stage, Dr trying me on Hrt so I'm all over the place!

Thank you both again, given me ideas and food for thought to move forward with.
Wishing you well.
Love and hugs x
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Thoughts

Post by LM66 »

Hi Kee
You seem to be doing all you can at the moment.
For sure, hitting menopause will have your thoughts and emotions all over the place. I found HRT so helpful. Helped me get my head straight! Stopped the day and night sweats which were hellish. And calmed the not so nice thoughts of bouncing a tin of beans off some random persons head in the supermarket! Hopefully, it will work well for you.
Sometimes Kee, we just have to say whats in our mind to say. Shoot from the hip so to speak. When we skim round the edges, it leaves it open to perception.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Poetry
Posts: 1349
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Thoughts

Post by Poetry »

A terribly distressing situation for you Kee. The others have given excellent advice. There's a lot for you to think about there.

You have to put yourself first. I agreed that Mum is elderly, and as such, needs support with anything which is related to her being elderly and maybe unable to cope so well with physical tasks, but her choice to have your brother live with her, and to enable him is not something that you can protect her against. I know that the picture is confused, but I would advise you trying to sort that out in your mind.

It is a shame that you feel you can't share with your husband, but maybe in some ways that is also a good sign. Perhaps he feels that the time has come for you to to give up, and to to change the things which you can control, which includes your own attitude to this, and to leave alone the things over which you have no control.

I'm older than a lot of you on here, and although I wouldn't describe myself as frail or elderly at all, I'm going to be getting there sooner! What it seems important to remember is that no matter how old we get, as long as we are not mentally incapacitated, we are free to make our own decisions, and your mum seems to be doing this.

Yes, keep in touch and see if you can create a little relationship with her, which manages to stay outside the situation she is in with your brother. You are important too. I cannot bear it away parents prioritise the child with problems over the child who is carrying on and coping. It is most unfair. P.
Arso jee
Posts: 49
Joined: Sat Apr 02, 2022 12:30 am

Re: Thoughts

Post by Arso jee »

Poetry wrote: Sat May 07, 2022 9:33 am A terribly distressing situation for you Kee. The others have given excellent advice. There's a lot for you to think about there.

You have to put yourself first. I agreed that Mum is elderly, and as such, needs support with anything which is related to her being elderly and maybe unable to cope so well with physical tasks, but her choice to have your brother live with her, and to enable him is not something that you can protect her against. I know that the picture is confused, but I would advise you trying to sort that out in your mind.

It is a shame that you feel you can't share with your husband, but maybe in some ways that is also a good sign. Perhaps he feels that the time has come for you to to give up, and to to change the things which you can control, which includes your own attitude to this, and to leave alone the things over which you have no control.

I'm older than a lot of you on here, and although I wouldn't describe myself as frail or elderly at all, I'm going to be getting there sooner! What it seems important to remember is that no matter how old we get, as long as we are not mentally incapacitated, we are free to make our own decisions, and your mum seems to be doing this.

Yes, keep in touch and see if you can create a little relationship with her, which manages to stay outside the situation she is in with your brother. You are important too. I cannot bear it away parents prioritise the child with problems over the child who is carrying on and coping. It is most unfair. P.
God bless you poetry You are young at heart.

Kee. I wish you health and happiness. I have experienced firsthand how the entire ordeal with an addict damages you physically, emotionally and mentally. In my case, it already exacerbated my existing mental health issues to
a breaking point. I don't know how I have kept going with my sanity intact, I think of my mum and that she needs me...it gives me hope to look after myself for her. This forum has also been a beacon of hope for me. I'd say to you to stay strong. Do look after your mum and yourself too. And take some time out for yourself just to detach and take a break. Getting close to nature is really therapeutic. Sending prayers your way.
kee700918
Posts: 84
Joined: Sat Jun 19, 2021 7:10 pm

Re: Thoughts

Post by kee700918 »

Thank you Poetry and Aj for also taking the time to reply. It makes all the difference knowing others are out there with their experiences and know where you're coming from.
It's probably taken me over two weeks to get my head round recent events with my brother and realising I can't continue like this.
We went through hell with my addicted sister, who had several relapses and she has been in recovery for about 17 years.
Taking on board everyone's comments, thank you again, hugs x
Poetry
Posts: 1349
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Thoughts

Post by Poetry »

Kee

I was thinking this afternoon, that out of four key relationships, familial and marriage, which a woman potentially could have, so that would be husband, father, brother, son, in my case, three of the "incumbents" were addicts! The only one who wasn't /isn't is my husband.

My mum would have said, "It's a bit thick isn't it!" Meaning unfair.

We should get on with what's important to us. I'm going to put some nice fresh bedding on the bed, make a strong cup of tea and catch up with the MasterChef final. P.
kee700918
Posts: 84
Joined: Sat Jun 19, 2021 7:10 pm

Re: Thoughts

Post by kee700918 »

Hi Poetry
Hope you enjoyed your cup of tea and Masterchef.
We have a dog and he keeps me to a routine and you have to go out come hail, rain or sunshine!
As Silver mentioned in another post which is how I feel too, your head tells you to let go but your heart says it's wrong.
Takes time, one day at a time,
Wishing you well x
Silver
Posts: 8
Joined: Thu Apr 28, 2022 11:06 am

Re: Thoughts

Post by Silver »

Hi Kee,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, watching your mum being manipulated by your brother must be heartbreaking, but until she accepts that he has a problem there is nothing that you can do but keep a watching eye on the situation to safeguard her.

Talking to Age Concern is a good idea, they normally have good links with Adult Social Care and other support agencies who may be able to offer advice.

The most important thing in all of this is to look after yourself, put your own health and wellbeing first above everyone else, you are so precious and hopefully the counselling will help you cope and set boundaries for the future.

Much love S x
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