Time to walk away
Posted: Mon May 09, 2022 6:49 am
My son has been taking Cocaine for years and for years I have bailed him out paying off debts, his rent arrears etc trying to help, last year he hit an all time low and I had to get him out of where he was living, he was either going to end up in prison or dead, owing money to dealers etc. He moved in with me and my husband in August 21, we lived a distance away, it was a fresh start and he secured employment. We accessed support via NA and at first he seemed to be doing well was not taking anything, he had so much debt which I was trying to sort out with him as his credit score is so bad things were going okay.
Then from December the lies, the disappearing, the constantly asking for money started. I ended up going with him sat in the car whilst he paid dealers, I didn't trust him to do it alone, it was frightening but I was also scared that dealers would find out where he was living and didnt want to put me or my husband at risk.
Fast forward and not to bore you but he finally moved out last week into a house share I provided so much support food, household stuff etc to give him a good start. His wage goes into my bank account so I can make sure the rent is paid and pay his child maintenance to ex partner, he cannot manage money at all, if he has it he spends it, I even provided an income and expenditure book for him until the end of the year to try to help. I paid his bills and transferred the rest of his wage to his bank account telling him how much he had each week, really basic stuff, hoping that he would manage his money for the month, this didn't happen within 24 hours he spent over £300 that was the money for food etc for the month, he also owes more money to a dealer, he didn't last one night on his own.
My husband is not a well man has had cancer twice and struggling to cope, I'm angry and frustrated with my son, this should have been a fresh start for me and my husband, my son ruined yet another day asking for money constant desperate phone calls, in the end I blocked his number. His dad has washed his hands of him and also blocked his number. Whatever happens we will not allow him to live with us again, the last 8 months have been so stressful.
I feel that he has made his choice in life, he has lots of information of where local support is but doesnt want to give up drugs, I feel that by allowing him to live with us, by keep helping him I am an enabler for his life style choices, if he ends up on the street or worse maybe only then will he make the deicsion to get the help he needs, I can't do anymore. The worse thing of all is that I am a professional who works with really vulnerable people and other statutory organisations, even with all my knowledge my son is in the same situation as those I try to help.
I'm 2 days now with no contact from him, I desperately want to ring him to make sure he is okay, but know if I do, I will be drawn back into him asking for money and his lies, so know that no matter how hard it is I can't ring him, I feel guilty knowing that he is in a mess again, but I don't think I am helping the situation. My biggest fears are that I will get a knock on the door telling me that something has happened to him or that dealers turn up, if they do I will be ringing the police. Its the last thing I think about before I go to sleep, will tonight be the night, living like this is not good.
I know no one can help, I know its his decision to take drugs, I am so sad that it has come to this, thanks for letting me share my story.
Then from December the lies, the disappearing, the constantly asking for money started. I ended up going with him sat in the car whilst he paid dealers, I didn't trust him to do it alone, it was frightening but I was also scared that dealers would find out where he was living and didnt want to put me or my husband at risk.
Fast forward and not to bore you but he finally moved out last week into a house share I provided so much support food, household stuff etc to give him a good start. His wage goes into my bank account so I can make sure the rent is paid and pay his child maintenance to ex partner, he cannot manage money at all, if he has it he spends it, I even provided an income and expenditure book for him until the end of the year to try to help. I paid his bills and transferred the rest of his wage to his bank account telling him how much he had each week, really basic stuff, hoping that he would manage his money for the month, this didn't happen within 24 hours he spent over £300 that was the money for food etc for the month, he also owes more money to a dealer, he didn't last one night on his own.
My husband is not a well man has had cancer twice and struggling to cope, I'm angry and frustrated with my son, this should have been a fresh start for me and my husband, my son ruined yet another day asking for money constant desperate phone calls, in the end I blocked his number. His dad has washed his hands of him and also blocked his number. Whatever happens we will not allow him to live with us again, the last 8 months have been so stressful.
I feel that he has made his choice in life, he has lots of information of where local support is but doesnt want to give up drugs, I feel that by allowing him to live with us, by keep helping him I am an enabler for his life style choices, if he ends up on the street or worse maybe only then will he make the deicsion to get the help he needs, I can't do anymore. The worse thing of all is that I am a professional who works with really vulnerable people and other statutory organisations, even with all my knowledge my son is in the same situation as those I try to help.
I'm 2 days now with no contact from him, I desperately want to ring him to make sure he is okay, but know if I do, I will be drawn back into him asking for money and his lies, so know that no matter how hard it is I can't ring him, I feel guilty knowing that he is in a mess again, but I don't think I am helping the situation. My biggest fears are that I will get a knock on the door telling me that something has happened to him or that dealers turn up, if they do I will be ringing the police. Its the last thing I think about before I go to sleep, will tonight be the night, living like this is not good.
I know no one can help, I know its his decision to take drugs, I am so sad that it has come to this, thanks for letting me share my story.