Bloody hell Roo collapsing at work is not good hope you are feeling better. It is a sign that you have to look after yourself.
I got the fright of my life yesterday at about 12 o'cock when from out of no where I had a bad dizzy attack and almost blacked out. Without being rude it almost made me crap myself. I have never had that before anyway even the doctor surgery gave me an appointment for the afternoon, he was a good and said hopefully it could be a one off but if it happens again accompanied by pains in arms and chest call straight through for an ambulance. L m66 is right turn off all your phones step back and look after no 1 that means you.
Hi Peggy and welcome sorry you too are having such a bad time. It is sad to see them self destruct and we can only look on helplessly. To see them only a shadow of their former selves can be unbearable. As Lm66 says drugs do not discriminate
and a few people have asked what has happened to my daughter why has she lost so much weight. Occasionally I just say she has not been well but last week two of my neighbours saw her and asked me if she has a problem with drugs? Most times they would not even give me the time of day but they were being nosy. I am past caring now and replied to them I
expect she has got a problem why didn't you say hello to her and ask her about drugs so they just shut up. I do not give a monkeys who knows anything about me anymore while these people are discussing my business they are leaving someone else alone. My children were brought up with all they needed and never went without anything and I will not feel ashamed for my daughters choices she has made in adult life.
All take care.
2Splendourangel
1st post - where do we go from here?
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2splendourangel
- Posts: 155
- Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2021 11:45 am
Re: 1st post - where do we go from here?
Peggy..welcome.
Stay on here, read posts and talk to us and you will be able to get your life back. That is what has happened to me on this forum, and many many others who have found it, realised that we're not alone, and that there is a way out.
I don't know how that getting free actually happens. All I know is that I realised it was him or me, and that if I didn't get free, it would destroy my life, and most certainly my physical health, my outlook on life, which is on the whole optimistic.
Everything which U2 you come and have described, like the horror of not knowing whether the addict is alright by the end of the day if you haven't heard, totally emotional obsession with him or her comet the feeling of being in all day with worry, and and absolutely everything you described, I have been through.
I couldn't carry on. Gradually, little by little, by telling myself that I had come to the brink of despair and didn't want to tip over, lose everything and everybody, and probably die, I stepped back, and each passing day, week, month year, the pain grows less.
I don't know which one of you it was who mentioned a daughter who said to remember that you have two other children. I URGE YIU STRONGLY TO LISTEN
I'm not claiming to be superior, but first thing that struck me when my oldest son began to give us problems, although actually his addiction stemmed back 20-years to University days, and it had always been awful. Anyway, when it became clear, my first thought was that I needed to give the others as much attention, love and support as I was doing my addicted child.
It was such a strong instinct I had that I must never neglect them. I must never let them think that I was going under. My need to protect them actually protected me.
I'm not sure that I have said all that particularly well, but I hope that my points come over.
Roo- your collapse tells you everything you need to know about what you know now need to do. The future is about you.
I was brought up by a very strong minded Catholic mother, who indoctrinated me that I had to give my life to others, continually be doing acts of self-denial, and on every occasion where I had the choice between doing something for myself and doing something for someone else, I should serve the other person and put myself in the background. In my case, this lead to a nervous breakdown in my thirties, but happily, when my son's addiction came along, I'd learnt a better way of ofthinking of myself! P.
Stay on here, read posts and talk to us and you will be able to get your life back. That is what has happened to me on this forum, and many many others who have found it, realised that we're not alone, and that there is a way out.
I don't know how that getting free actually happens. All I know is that I realised it was him or me, and that if I didn't get free, it would destroy my life, and most certainly my physical health, my outlook on life, which is on the whole optimistic.
Everything which U2 you come and have described, like the horror of not knowing whether the addict is alright by the end of the day if you haven't heard, totally emotional obsession with him or her comet the feeling of being in all day with worry, and and absolutely everything you described, I have been through.
I couldn't carry on. Gradually, little by little, by telling myself that I had come to the brink of despair and didn't want to tip over, lose everything and everybody, and probably die, I stepped back, and each passing day, week, month year, the pain grows less.
I don't know which one of you it was who mentioned a daughter who said to remember that you have two other children. I URGE YIU STRONGLY TO LISTEN
I'm not claiming to be superior, but first thing that struck me when my oldest son began to give us problems, although actually his addiction stemmed back 20-years to University days, and it had always been awful. Anyway, when it became clear, my first thought was that I needed to give the others as much attention, love and support as I was doing my addicted child.
It was such a strong instinct I had that I must never neglect them. I must never let them think that I was going under. My need to protect them actually protected me.
I'm not sure that I have said all that particularly well, but I hope that my points come over.
Roo- your collapse tells you everything you need to know about what you know now need to do. The future is about you.
I was brought up by a very strong minded Catholic mother, who indoctrinated me that I had to give my life to others, continually be doing acts of self-denial, and on every occasion where I had the choice between doing something for myself and doing something for someone else, I should serve the other person and put myself in the background. In my case, this lead to a nervous breakdown in my thirties, but happily, when my son's addiction came along, I'd learnt a better way of ofthinking of myself! P.
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Peggysole1
- Posts: 87
- Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2022 6:24 am
Re: 1st post - where do we go from here?
My son just been with his shirts for me to wash which im happy to do, byt hes upset again and we both end up crying , he said he needs help but dont want to talk yo anyone about church and 12 steps i said its helped me, he replied thats good for you, ge gates where hes living and misses being at his dads. Hes goine to see his sister now and said if i want to help why cant he live with me his dad or sister , i daid cos we dont want drugs in out homes. He shook his head and walked off. I dont think he relises hes caused all this i not know if hes near yo wanting to chsnge ir a very long way off. Another day sat worrying about him and feeling guilty for not letting him live with me. When will it all end and go away x
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Peggysole1
- Posts: 87
- Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2022 6:24 am
Re: 1st post - where do we go from here?
Just put my glasses on and reread my terribly written messsage I apologise i will always wear my glasses from now on. X
Re: 1st post - where do we go from here?
Your son needs to get to an addiction meeting. His opinion of it is neither here nor there. Statistics show, to the extent that these things can be measured, AA and NA have the best success record.
One of the conditions of addiction units to which addicts are admitted for long-term care and therapy is attendance at AA or NA meetings.
Addicts will talk a load of nonsense about not being willing to attend because they don't believe in God. It is nonsense. It is a God of your understanding which is important, and so someone's higher power could be music, or a special person in their life. There is no need to believe in a deity.
My son flatly refused to go to NA because he "didn't believe in God." I felt like saying, "Well all those good people in AA and NA meetings have found something better than themselves to look up to and are doing very well, but you're refusing to admit that there could be anything better than this revolting lifestyle you are leading, so that's not working out too well is it?"
It seems to me, Peggy, as if you are doing your son's laundry, and he is prepared to do nothing whatsoever for you in return. Tell him that your bottom line is that he goes to a meeting. Don't take any rubbish about AA and NA from him..
He sits down in a meeting, accepts a cup of tea and a biscuit, listens, gets phone numbers of people who have struggled with the same problems, and got through, and he attends 90 meets in 90 days and attempts to stay clean and sober. It is not impossible. It has been done again and again.
If he is not willing to do that, and to engage with an organisation which is virtually free, apart from a small donation at the meeting, and which holds meetings during the daytime and the evening and at weekends, then he's not serious about recovering is he? I'd be seriously thinking of taking my support right down. P.
One of the conditions of addiction units to which addicts are admitted for long-term care and therapy is attendance at AA or NA meetings.
Addicts will talk a load of nonsense about not being willing to attend because they don't believe in God. It is nonsense. It is a God of your understanding which is important, and so someone's higher power could be music, or a special person in their life. There is no need to believe in a deity.
My son flatly refused to go to NA because he "didn't believe in God." I felt like saying, "Well all those good people in AA and NA meetings have found something better than themselves to look up to and are doing very well, but you're refusing to admit that there could be anything better than this revolting lifestyle you are leading, so that's not working out too well is it?"
It seems to me, Peggy, as if you are doing your son's laundry, and he is prepared to do nothing whatsoever for you in return. Tell him that your bottom line is that he goes to a meeting. Don't take any rubbish about AA and NA from him..
He sits down in a meeting, accepts a cup of tea and a biscuit, listens, gets phone numbers of people who have struggled with the same problems, and got through, and he attends 90 meets in 90 days and attempts to stay clean and sober. It is not impossible. It has been done again and again.
If he is not willing to do that, and to engage with an organisation which is virtually free, apart from a small donation at the meeting, and which holds meetings during the daytime and the evening and at weekends, then he's not serious about recovering is he? I'd be seriously thinking of taking my support right down. P.
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lesleerose
- Posts: 1275
- Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm
Re: 1st post - where do we go from here?
Dearest Peggy and Roo big hugs
It’s my girl who is the addict for well over 22 years now at first I thought I could fix her in my heart I new I had lost her but as I thought at that time I will do anything and everything to save her 8 rehabs treatment centres some I paid for some the local authorities paid for got a voluntary job within the addiction field what there wasn’t enough to put on the back of a postage stamp I learned it I took psychology classes to try reversed psychology on her had red Indians putting up smoke signals through the internet and someone in the states
I had Peruvian monks chanting on the mountains I went to a talk by the Dali llama
Guess what nothing worked and I was on the verge of a complete breakdown ( I already had one ) I am in recovery 23 years I grew to hate her which was really bad then I found famanon a sister fellowship of A.A. which I attend on a regular basis I don’t have to tell you the horrific nightmare this girl of mine has put me through she is no longer the girl I brought into the world heroin has taken her she is 38 years old now she is the only one of her friends who is still alive and I still wait for that knock on the door she has already died and they brought her back
If I have learned nothing else it’s that I have no control over people places and things
Let go and let god and please both keep sharing
It’s how we solve the common problem don’t enable
Also I didn’t know you could grieve for someone who is still alive I learned that on here
This evil has ripped my family small as it is apart
No one talks to anyone for 12 years now
Yours in fellowship
Lesleerose
It’s my girl who is the addict for well over 22 years now at first I thought I could fix her in my heart I new I had lost her but as I thought at that time I will do anything and everything to save her 8 rehabs treatment centres some I paid for some the local authorities paid for got a voluntary job within the addiction field what there wasn’t enough to put on the back of a postage stamp I learned it I took psychology classes to try reversed psychology on her had red Indians putting up smoke signals through the internet and someone in the states
I had Peruvian monks chanting on the mountains I went to a talk by the Dali llama
Guess what nothing worked and I was on the verge of a complete breakdown ( I already had one ) I am in recovery 23 years I grew to hate her which was really bad then I found famanon a sister fellowship of A.A. which I attend on a regular basis I don’t have to tell you the horrific nightmare this girl of mine has put me through she is no longer the girl I brought into the world heroin has taken her she is 38 years old now she is the only one of her friends who is still alive and I still wait for that knock on the door she has already died and they brought her back
If I have learned nothing else it’s that I have no control over people places and things
Let go and let god and please both keep sharing
It’s how we solve the common problem don’t enable
Also I didn’t know you could grieve for someone who is still alive I learned that on here
This evil has ripped my family small as it is apart
No one talks to anyone for 12 years now
Yours in fellowship
Lesleerose
Re: 1st post - where do we go from here?
Hi Peggy
Of course it makes you feel guilty, refusing to have your son live with you. I felt awful guilt too in the beginning. It's a natural way to feel.
The problem is,that your son has no consideration how his drug use, having drugs in the house affects others. He doesn't seem to see it as a big deal.
My son brought allsorts into the house, and unknown to us, he was dealing from it too. Unsavoury characters at my home, whilst I was at work.
Ive had drug dealers parked outside my home, wanting their money. Bloody horrendous!
I refused to have that in my life. As he wouldn't " tow the line", he was evicted. The repercussions for both mine and my husbands jobs, didn't bother him either. They expect us just to sit back and accept all that they do - nope, that can't happen.
Why are you washing his clothes Peggy? What age is your son?
When I found myself sitting worrying, I forced myself to get up and do something. You have to change your focus. It takes time, but you can get there Peggy. The alternative is to have your life dominated and blighted by addiction. Fake it til you make it.
Much Love
L x
Of course it makes you feel guilty, refusing to have your son live with you. I felt awful guilt too in the beginning. It's a natural way to feel.
The problem is,that your son has no consideration how his drug use, having drugs in the house affects others. He doesn't seem to see it as a big deal.
My son brought allsorts into the house, and unknown to us, he was dealing from it too. Unsavoury characters at my home, whilst I was at work.
Ive had drug dealers parked outside my home, wanting their money. Bloody horrendous!
I refused to have that in my life. As he wouldn't " tow the line", he was evicted. The repercussions for both mine and my husbands jobs, didn't bother him either. They expect us just to sit back and accept all that they do - nope, that can't happen.
Why are you washing his clothes Peggy? What age is your son?
When I found myself sitting worrying, I forced myself to get up and do something. You have to change your focus. It takes time, but you can get there Peggy. The alternative is to have your life dominated and blighted by addiction. Fake it til you make it.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
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Peggysole1
- Posts: 87
- Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2022 6:24 am
Re: 1st post - where do we go from here?
Thankyou to you both, i have a lot to learn i was very niave to it all, its a evil thing for these kids to get involved in , ive apologised to my 2 older children who are 34 & 31 if I've neglected them over the past few months. My son is nearly 25 i dont do all his washing just he shirts for work, yesterday he asks if we want to help why cant he live with us i told him it's because of the drugs, also we took his key off him 2 weeks ago i lied and said it was for plumber He asked for it back yesterday i told him no because a fee weeks ago i came hone at lunchtime and he was in the front room with a girl ive never seen before eating me out of house and home It turns out he told his sister she was a street rat who tried yo give him money and drugs he said she is disgusting. So when he asked why he cant have his key i said cos i dont want you bringing street rat druggies in my home . That is the first time yesterday I actually stood up to him . I also sent him a number for this again last night. He replied thankyou for a lovely dinner snd doing my shirts so he has no intention of changing yet. Stupid bloody kid/man. Selfish to the core x
Re: 1st post - where do we go from here?
Good for you Peggy! I done the same with mine, as he had unsavoury characters in the house. My son is 28.
We have all been at the start of this journey, and we learn from each other, due to sharing our experiences. It takes time, and you will learn in your own time.
Just take it day by day Peggy. Your son might not want to change his behaviours, but you will change how you deal with it all - and get a life back!
Much Love
L x
We have all been at the start of this journey, and we learn from each other, due to sharing our experiences. It takes time, and you will learn in your own time.
Just take it day by day Peggy. Your son might not want to change his behaviours, but you will change how you deal with it all - and get a life back!
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
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Peggysole1
- Posts: 87
- Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2022 6:24 am
Re: 1st post - where do we go from here?
I actually feel a little stronger already, but i know unless he gets help its going to get a lot worse. Do you still see your son where foes he live. Do all these adult kids still visit there families how is that ? I try and be normal when im with him but its not normal i miss him but i dont want to see him and pretend .
Xx
Xx
Re: 1st post - where do we go from here?
Hi Peggy,
My son is currently on holiday at her majesty's pleasure
. I visit once a month, and we speak on the phone at least once a week.
Prior to being incarcerated, I hadn't seen him for a year, due to his involvement dealing drugs. He was associating with some really bad people, and I was having none of it. He was left for dead on the roadside, as he'd stepped on the toes of " a bigger fish", but failed to see how that was placing me in a vulnerable situation, being around him. They were still after him.
He hasn't been back in this house since we asked him to leave 8 years ago. He was a horrendous nightmare Peggy, and I've lost count of the number of times I had to call the police, when he turned up being very abusive and threatening. They think it should all be swept under the carpet, but it damages relationships. I became physically unwell, and developed a chronic condition due to the stress of it all.
He goes from one crackpot girlfriend to another, and I refuse to be part of it. I am DONE with all the drama associated with his lifestyle. It's total madness!
Much Love
L x
My son is currently on holiday at her majesty's pleasure
. I visit once a month, and we speak on the phone at least once a week.Prior to being incarcerated, I hadn't seen him for a year, due to his involvement dealing drugs. He was associating with some really bad people, and I was having none of it. He was left for dead on the roadside, as he'd stepped on the toes of " a bigger fish", but failed to see how that was placing me in a vulnerable situation, being around him. They were still after him.
He hasn't been back in this house since we asked him to leave 8 years ago. He was a horrendous nightmare Peggy, and I've lost count of the number of times I had to call the police, when he turned up being very abusive and threatening. They think it should all be swept under the carpet, but it damages relationships. I became physically unwell, and developed a chronic condition due to the stress of it all.
He goes from one crackpot girlfriend to another, and I refuse to be part of it. I am DONE with all the drama associated with his lifestyle. It's total madness!
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
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Peggysole1
- Posts: 87
- Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2022 6:24 am
Re: 1st post - where do we go from here?
Hi L
My gosh im so sorry to hear all this there just horrible .
No wonder everyone on here says look after yourself it's heartbreaking. Hiw old is your son and is he getting help on hus holidays i hope so. X
My gosh im so sorry to hear all this there just horrible .
No wonder everyone on here says look after yourself it's heartbreaking. Hiw old is your son and is he getting help on hus holidays i hope so. X
Re: 1st post - where do we go from here?
He's 28 Peggy.
He receives meds to help with heroin withdrawals, that's it. He's been waiting months to see psych team.
Alot of the support we think happens in prison, doesn't. Lack of staff, lack of resources, lack of money etc.
Mind you Peggy, my son has never been interested in turning his life around, so he could be offered all the help going, but if he has the same mindset, it won't change a thing.
Unless they make that decision to change, they won't.
You really do have to protect yourself from it all,as it can knock the stuffing right out of you mentally, physically and financially.
Much Love
L x
He receives meds to help with heroin withdrawals, that's it. He's been waiting months to see psych team.
Alot of the support we think happens in prison, doesn't. Lack of staff, lack of resources, lack of money etc.
Mind you Peggy, my son has never been interested in turning his life around, so he could be offered all the help going, but if he has the same mindset, it won't change a thing.
Unless they make that decision to change, they won't.
You really do have to protect yourself from it all,as it can knock the stuffing right out of you mentally, physically and financially.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
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dramaqueen
- Posts: 393
- Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 2:06 pm
Re: 1st post - where do we go from here?
Hi Peggy
I’m sorry to hear what you are going through with your son. Well done for getting your key back. He’s an adult now and needs to take responsibility for himself.
I had to evict my son at age 17 after he repeatedly broke boundaries around drugs and was getting violent and abusive. He was dealing and stole my identity. He now lives in semi independent living accommodation and in some ways is starting to turn his life around (recently got a part time job, something I have long been suggesting he does).
When he first left he told me that he understood that his behaviour had led to this but he didn’t like the way I did it (I was in shock at the time, could barely move for days). However, since then I have received a lot of abuse and he refuses to see or even speak to me. Most recently he asked me to stop texting him. I would obviously prefer to have a relationship with him - he’s my son and I still love him (just not his behaviour). I’m hoping that over time he will come round but I am grateful he no longer lives with me. Had things continued the way they were I would have risked my job and career. I have an auto immune disorder brought on by the stress and I try to focus on self care as well as checking in with the place where he is living to make sure he is ok.
DQ
I’m sorry to hear what you are going through with your son. Well done for getting your key back. He’s an adult now and needs to take responsibility for himself.
I had to evict my son at age 17 after he repeatedly broke boundaries around drugs and was getting violent and abusive. He was dealing and stole my identity. He now lives in semi independent living accommodation and in some ways is starting to turn his life around (recently got a part time job, something I have long been suggesting he does).
When he first left he told me that he understood that his behaviour had led to this but he didn’t like the way I did it (I was in shock at the time, could barely move for days). However, since then I have received a lot of abuse and he refuses to see or even speak to me. Most recently he asked me to stop texting him. I would obviously prefer to have a relationship with him - he’s my son and I still love him (just not his behaviour). I’m hoping that over time he will come round but I am grateful he no longer lives with me. Had things continued the way they were I would have risked my job and career. I have an auto immune disorder brought on by the stress and I try to focus on self care as well as checking in with the place where he is living to make sure he is ok.
DQ
Re: 1st post - where do we go from here?
Peggy you asked about whether our sons still live with us In my case, my son was married when his long-term addiction became clear to us when he was aged about 38. He wasn't living with us, and frankly, had he been, it would have been hell on legs.
We would have evicted him for sure. I am thankful that we didn't have to do that, but I would have chosen myself, my marriage, and my other children over a selfish addict any day of the week.
It is impossible to live with them and preserve your mental and physical health and your other relationships.
My son's first wife from home he is now divorced, suffered horribly, although she was involved in drug takingi for a number of years. She pulled back. The second wife, a lovely American girl, had a mental breakdown, and thank God she's now free of him.
To my shame, my son has abused three women, me, and those two girls. What matters to me now is that they can get on with their lives. The first wife has a toddler with her new partner, and I think the American girl is doing well professionally.
I keep in touch with his first wife very well, and with his second wife from time to time from.
I felt so tainted by what he'd done to those women, but his first wife has assured me that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and that means a lot to me.
As you can see, my son has gone, really, but I'm now building all of my other relationship, and I cannot say that I am unhappy.
He will not be coming back. I have gone beyond that point, even if he recovered. There is no way that I could take the agony of investing in his recovery and then facing his relapsing. I am done. My life is better spent dedicating itself to all of the other people whom I love dearly.
Tjis probably sound extreme to you, Peggy, but that's my story and I hope it helps you.
Two of the others spoke about illnesses brought on by the stress of their sons' addictions. I have had ME for nearly 31 years, and there is no way that my son is going to make me iller than I am, as the threat of a bad relapse is always there at times of stress. P.
We would have evicted him for sure. I am thankful that we didn't have to do that, but I would have chosen myself, my marriage, and my other children over a selfish addict any day of the week.
It is impossible to live with them and preserve your mental and physical health and your other relationships.
My son's first wife from home he is now divorced, suffered horribly, although she was involved in drug takingi for a number of years. She pulled back. The second wife, a lovely American girl, had a mental breakdown, and thank God she's now free of him.
To my shame, my son has abused three women, me, and those two girls. What matters to me now is that they can get on with their lives. The first wife has a toddler with her new partner, and I think the American girl is doing well professionally.
I keep in touch with his first wife very well, and with his second wife from time to time from.
I felt so tainted by what he'd done to those women, but his first wife has assured me that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and that means a lot to me.
As you can see, my son has gone, really, but I'm now building all of my other relationship, and I cannot say that I am unhappy.
He will not be coming back. I have gone beyond that point, even if he recovered. There is no way that I could take the agony of investing in his recovery and then facing his relapsing. I am done. My life is better spent dedicating itself to all of the other people whom I love dearly.
Tjis probably sound extreme to you, Peggy, but that's my story and I hope it helps you.
Two of the others spoke about illnesses brought on by the stress of their sons' addictions. I have had ME for nearly 31 years, and there is no way that my son is going to make me iller than I am, as the threat of a bad relapse is always there at times of stress. P.