Overwhelmed by my boyfriend's cocaine addiction

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missx
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Aug 08, 2022 9:27 pm

Overwhelmed by my boyfriend's cocaine addiction

Post by missx »

Hi everyone,

Apologies if this post comes out a jumble of words, I am completely overwhelmed at the situation I find myself in and just don't know what to do for the best.

I have been reading all your posts and have found them really comforting. I think I would be especially interested in replies from the point of view of a recovering addict or anyone who is in a relationship with someone who has relapsed after a long time being clean.

I have been with my boyfriend for two years and he is truly an amazing person with the biggest heart.

I have been worried about him for the past two months as he has been very evasive - making plans to meet but then cancelling for various (plausible) reasons at the last minute. Also asking to borrow money (which he has never done before) but, again, the reasons were completely believable.

In the end, after two months of not seeing him and him not showing up to my house on Friday when he had promised to come and talk, I was so worried that I ended up sitting outside his house on Friday night until he came home... at 2:30am.

He was really shocked to see me, he didn't want to look at me and didn't want me to look at him. The physical change in him in those two months was immense - the weight loss, the hollow eyes - I couldn't believe he was the same guy.

I told him I was worried about him and said that we didn't have to talk right then but asked if he would come home with me, get some sleep and we could talk in the morning.

As soon as he got in my car he broke down and told me he had relapsed. I wasn't even aware that he had a drug problem in the past. He told me everything - that he had been clean for 10 years but stupidly went out around three months ago, got drunk and did a line, thinking that would be it... of course, it wasn't and for the past two months he has been in a complete relapse. He had been avoiding me because he was so ashamed and didn't know how I would react.

I genuinely believe he wants to get help and I trust that he can beat this - he has too much that is good in his life to let this beat him. He has told his employer and they have put aside money to get him into a detox but there is a wait for this.

I guess what I am asking is how I best help him in the meantime. I have never done drugs in my life and, honestly, am very niave to the situation.

I have told him that I will not give him any more money but that I will cook him food and that I want to be there to support him. I just don't know if my presence is cushioning him? I was supposed to take him for an assessment today in preparation for the detox but when I went to his house to pick him up he wasn't there and his phone was going straight to voicemail.

He has since messaged to say that he got a nail in his tyre and that his phone battery died. I don't even know if he went to his assessment as I haven't responded to him yet. His employers said they will keep his job open for him as long as he continues to engage with them but I just don't know if he is.

Maybe having me there is making him think that even if something bad happens it will be OK as I will be there to pick up the pieces? Should I continue to offer to help him with getting to appointments etc or should I just be there at the end of the phone and tell him I will be there when he comes out the other side - whether that be as a girlfriend or a friend.

I love him so much walking away would be the hardest thing but I want to do what is best for him as I know in the long run I will be OK.

Thank you for reading and thank you in advance for any answers, advice or suggestions!
Poetry
Posts: 1349
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 1:59 am

Re: Overwhelmed by my boyfriend's cocaine addiction

Post by Poetry »

Welcome to the forum. What a thoughtful post, full of reflection, and with a pretty realistic grasp of what is probably going on.

Whenever one of us responds, we always bring with us our own experiences, and so you do need to bear that in mind.

If I were you, I would proceed with great caution. Towards the end of your post, you mention the possibility of walking away, and telling your boyfriend that you will be there for him, when he comes through addiction.

What we have all learnt on here is that we cannot help our addicts. We think that we can, and indeed, were they to be suffering from anything else at all, then they would probably be happy to be helped, but there is something about coming through addiction which means that the person needs to do it for himself or herself.

We know that they tell lies, all the time. Therefore, I would be deeply suspicious of the story about the nail in the tyre and the phone running out of battery. We hear these excuses all the time. When I was attempting to help my son, 4 years ago, I lost count of the number of times he had left his phone on a park bench, it was constantly running out of battery, he couldn't find his charger, the SIM card had slipped, or similar nonsense.

These are the excuses for lying in bed all day, stuporous, and failing to phone to let me know how he was.

I gave up.

Love is not enough.

I know it sounds callous (it isn't by the way) but l advise your getting free.

This man is not your husband, sibling, parent or child.

We are on this forum in order to survive the damage done to us by the addictions of others. You are in a very good place to get free, now, immediately.

Tell your boyfriend that you care for him deeply, but he has to get through this, and there is plenty of help available. Maybe find out where his nearest NA meeting is, advise that he attends that, and and then try to distance yourself, until, and if, he recovers.

I hope this helps. P.
Peggysole1
Posts: 87
Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2022 6:24 am

Re: Overwhelmed by my boyfriend's cocaine addiction

Post by Peggysole1 »

Missx
This is so very sad, and you seem very strong and knowledgeable
But i agree with poetry you must walk away before it destroys you. Let him know your be there when he's better but for your own sanity you are closing the door. Im guessing this would be your advice to someone else . If i was your mum id be begging you to walk away. Take care. X
missx
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Aug 08, 2022 9:27 pm

Re: Overwhelmed by my boyfriend's cocaine addiction

Post by missx »

Thank you Poetry and Peggysole,

I know if a friend came to me in this situation I would tell them to leave.

We had a huge argument last night - ironically it's the first one we have ever had! In one breath I was ignoring him and in the next I was too much and treating him like a child. I sent him a message saying the following:

"I’m going to step away and give you some space… I love you and care about you but I don’t think I am helping you at the moment. I’m sorry xx"

Then he called me saying he wanted some dinner so I ordered a deliveroo for him but I told him that I am not going to actively contact him.

If he needs me he knows where I am so now I just try to get on with my life.

My biggest fear is something happening to him and me not knowing but I have come to the realisation that there is nothing I can do to control that and dwelling on it is not going to help.

Thank you both for reaching out x
LM66
Posts: 2321
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 6:04 am

Re: Overwhelmed by my boyfriend's cocaine addiction

Post by LM66 »

Hi missx

I would agree with Poetry, that supporting from afar, may be the best option for you at the moment.
Of course you can supppot him emotionally, but it's not your role or responsibility to make sure he goes to support groups, counselling, and various other appointments. He needs to have the willingness, and commitment to do these things, for his recovery.
If he has been clean for 10 years prior to this relapse, he knows what to do, and has the tools to help him to get back on track. He didn't disclose the fact that he had been in recovery for 10 years, and you've been together 2 years - a red flag that he wasn't upfront and honest with you. I wonder what he expected would happen, by not seeing you for 2 months? That you would end the relationship? He may not have been completely transparent with you about his relapse and it's possible that he may have been using when he wasn't with you, and it's gotten out of control. I say this as you mention his physical appearance has changed drastically, which suggests he's been using hard.
His employers also seem to be supportive, and willing to pay for rehab - he's extremely fortunate.
I also consider you to be lucky, that you and your partner don't live together. Living with addiction is absolutely horrendous and stressful.
Live YOUR life missx, and let him walk his own path
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
missx
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Aug 08, 2022 9:27 pm

Re: Overwhelmed by my boyfriend's cocaine addiction

Post by missx »

Thank you so much L,

He is fortunate that his employers are being supportive and I think I am fortunate that, other than our love for each other, there is nothing tying us together - no kids, no joint house etc.

I think I just have to give him the space he needs to work through this on his own, that way I won’t be putting any pressure on him or making him feel like he is letting me down.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond x
Tired
Posts: 210
Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2020 4:19 pm

Re: Overwhelmed by my boyfriend's cocaine addiction

Post by Tired »

Hiya missx

When I read your first post I felt so sad for you. I was where you are 2 years ago (I think). Please read my posts. I found it extremely difficult to break away, but I had to, as I was lending more and more money thinking he loved me.

Sadly, they lie, promise to change and think of themselves first. I have gained so much strength over the years being on here. I still get my hours, days, but thru are DEFINITELY less and less, as he has shown his true colours, and, couldn't give tuppence about the emotions I've been through.

It's going to be tough but, I promise you you do get stronger.

Xxx
missx
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Aug 08, 2022 9:27 pm

Re: Overwhelmed by my boyfriend's cocaine addiction

Post by missx »

Thank you so much, Tired, for reaching out,

I will definitely search out your posts and read about your experience of having an addicted partner.

Sending you strength on your journey x
lesleerose
Posts: 1249
Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm

Re: Overwhelmed by my boyfriend's cocaine addiction

Post by lesleerose »

Dear miss x
Firstly welcome and hugs 🤗 this is a dreadful place for you to be and thank goodness you have found famanon
It’s my daughter who is the addict all addicts lie they can’t help it it’s a way of life
If you are paying for detox you get in straight away I had my daughter in 8 treatment centres some I paid for some the local authorities paid for
Poetry is soooo correct here don’t put yourself through this we have been here
It’s not your sibling husband or relation
He is lying to you I believe
Let him go now before you come to the despair and hopelessness this evil brings
Very few recover
Please keep posting I know this is very hard for you and we are all here to help each other
If you can try and get to a live meeting there is also free literature from the admin on here who are exactly the same they have a loved one in addiction they are angels
Volunteer there time to keeping the forum going
Yours in fellowship
Lesleerose
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