Still here

[Mumma]

Hi everyone
I haven’t posted on here for quite a while, I am really struggling with things at the moment, I haven’t had any contact from my addict daughter for a week and it’s killing me, she finally begged for help but then she left after being disgustingly abusive to myself and her 80 year old nan and gone back to her addict boyfriend and his mother.
I am coming on the forum and reading everyone’s stories I’m just not posting.
I hope all of you are as well as you can be and I thank everyone for posting their stories because I don’t feel so alone.

[LM66]

Hi Mumma,
It is hard, but stick with it. Your daughter isn't ready yet it would seem.
It's harder on us than it is our "kids", as their emotions/thoughts are shot to bits. They only think of the drugs, or money for the drugs.
Take good care of you, and Nan.
Much Love
L x

[lesleerose]

Hi mums
Yes it is relentless we are powerless over what they do
My daughter came back into my life recently after yet another stint in rehab she caused complete carnage in days
I am I’ll in hospital at the moment she doesn’t care all the promises gave her some money i really believed her this time
So very cunning she had 3 phones I sent a text to every one of them telling her I never want too see or here from her again though those weren’t the words I used a lot stronger and after over 20 years am done will leave it there for now
Very weak
Lesleyrose

[LM66]

Lesleerose, I can hear your pain through your words.
Please conserve your energy and concentrate on getting well. It's hard though, I know, as she has let you down again.
Back she goes in that box, in your mind.
Much Love
L xx

[Poetry]

Mumma we are all with you. Keep going.

Leslee, you showed so much love towards your daughter recently, when it seemed as if she might want to recover, and that reveals all of your marvellous qualities.

What she has done will have weakened you for a while, but as LM says, put all of your remaining strength into doing some self protection, and, as I'm sure you know, I send you my love as usual. P.

[Peggysole1]

Good morning.
This is the last day of my holiday. And i really dont want to go hone back to all of the worry and dread on your doorstep. It seemed a little less in another country... i have been reading a book called "mum can you lend me 20 quid."
Someone on here im sorry i csnt remember who recconmened it to me what a brilliant and very sad book but we will all on here be able to relate to lots of it. Please all look after yourselfs. Someone said to me its a illness and would it help if i looked at it that way. I said no because it would make me be very soft again. We have to do whatever we can to get ourselves through each day. Thankyou all again without this forum i wouldnt be near normal now. Lots of love x

[LM66]

Hi Peggy
It's a great book.
Just enjoy the last day of your holiday.
I don't see addiction as an illness. I see it as a choice initially, to try drugs or alcohol, and unfortunately that choice is taken away as the body and mind become dependent. Others may disagree, and that's ok.
Either way, addiction is so destructive, and we have to protect ourselves from it. Addicts have that choice to seek help for recovery also.
Much Love
L x

[Peggysole1]

Lm i agree with you. We all have choices.
Im going to give the book to my son to read. X

[Poetry]

Peggy , you are continuing to do brilliantly. I was so pleased to read your post. At least you have had a bit of a break.

I don't think the addiction is an illness. Seeing it as an illness robs us, whether we're addicts or not, of our ability to make choices, and thus, of our human dignity.

Admittedly, addiction makes the addict ill, physically, spiritually and mentally, but those are the side effects, of their choice to take drugs.

They also have the choice to recover. Without wishing to sound in any way self pitying, I'd add that many of us on here have illnesses which are no fault of our own. It can seem very hard on a particularly bad day, to try to do the things which get you through the day, and ameliorate your condition, but if we want to have the best quality of life, we do these things.

The help is there for addicts.

They can choose. P.

[Mumma]

LesleyRose I hope you get well soon, do whatever you gotta do to get strong again!
Thank you everyone for being on this forum and being everyone’s strength it helps knowing you’re all here

[dramaqueen]

Hi all

I thought I would give my tuppance worth on the discussion over whether addiction is an illness….

My understanding is that while some people can try drugs recreationally but don’t get addicted those who do get addicted are usually using drugs to numb out / avoid dealing with life’s difficulties. It is a very unhealthy coping mechanism, just like some people become workaholics or become addicted to exercise. They overuse this coping mechanism because they have not learnt to self soothe and to embrace healthier coping mechanisms. Why not? That is complex but addiction and mental health problems get passed down generations of families.

The mantra I read which I really like is “you are not to blame for your addiction but you are responsible for your recovery”. Blame or condemnation is never helpful, whether of self or others. We could see it as an illness but a complex one - one where enabling will make the illness get worse not better.

This is my understanding after years of listening to books and podcasts and undertaking therapy and counselling myself. My therapist used to tell me to encourage my boys to find healthier coping mechanisms, eg exercise. My boys did eventually try that but unfortunately my youngest son is really struggling with severe mental health problems, no doubt exacerbated by his drug use, but which mean that, despite attempting exercise and a part time job, he keeps falling into dysfunctional addiction.

Unfortunately, whether it is an illness or choice, addiction also makes the addicts put their drug of choice above all others; makes them manipulate and lie to their loved ones just to get at drugs and in some cases this means that they can’t live with us and/or we have to cut off contact.

I am very sad about my son and hope he finds recovery. Obviously in my son’s case the illness element is more easily identifiable as he has diagnosed mental health conditions including BPD and is on anti psychotic medication.

Best wishes

DQ

[kee700918]

Hi Mumma and all,

I had been doing ok until couple weeks ago then been struggling with my situation.
It's really dragged me down which took me unawares as I thought I had "a handle" on it. I felt sadness at the Queens death and it brought up real grief over people I have lost. Ambiguous grief is a loss of people who are living which I feel about my addict brother and my mum. He is living with my elderly mum and she is entirely enabling him. She is in her eighties, has poor health and we are awaiting biopsy results for a lesion on her face.

It has been mentioned on here before is it illness/choice, different views are personal opinion which is fine, regardless it is so destructive and has far reaching consequences it beggars belief.

I have been through many low moments and am telling myself this too will pass, I am early fifties, was on hrt it didn't agree with me, the progesterone part, was recently on medication for nerve pain which also didn't agree with me. However I have a phone appointment with my Dr next week.

I am on the forum every day, don't post often but find it helpful reading the posts.

Lesleerose i hope you are doing ok?

I am thinking of you all, wishing you strength. Hugs x

[Arso jee]

Please look after yourself mumma.

It pains me to see how adult children can become abusive to their parents, forgetting that their parents were the ones who had actually once taught them how to speak and potentially dedicated their lives to giving their children a better future. Certainly, such dedication needs to be rewarded with warmth and comfort when the parents get older. Addiction is brutal.

Addicts can really make their loved one's life miserable. I have gone through the same. Please look after your health. I hope and pray it gets better and easier for you. Don't lose hope. Keep it going. Be strong.

[LM66]

Hi Kee,
I had to try 3 different HRTs before I got one that helped. One of my friends has had a hellish time with it - she's been on 5/6 different ones and is on the patches now to try those. It really does mess with your whole body and your emotions.
Thankfully, I can tolerate the other meds I'm on, but I know I'm fortunate.
Don't give up Kee - something will work. It's finding it thats the problem.
Much Love
L x

[LM66]

A good post DQ. For sure, it is a very ineffective coping mechanism. Difficult to think of more effective ways, when there is also mental health issues, as the individuals thoughts become even more confused - so it goes round and round, and a deeper dependency is created.
For those, like my son, the mental health issues were created by drug use. He can't cope with life, as he is constantly in and out of prison. Support is not as readily available as some would believe, due to lack of resources.
If he is released when he goes to court next week, it will all start again, as he will be handed a list of numbers for the council, DWP etc and out you go. The same every single time.
The problem is so massive.
Much Love
L x