Codependency

[dramaqueen]

Hi all

Lesleerose often recommends the book “Codependent No More” on this forum. I have also read a great book called “codependency for dummies” which I would recommend.

For my ‘light reading’ this evening I am reading a different book which I will not name here because it is only in part relevant to people who post on this forum. However there is a case study in there about a woman concerned about her mother because she has been enabling her sister’s drug addiction for 18+ years. The book advises that the woman needs to focus on her own self care because she is being codependent on her mother and her mother is codependent on the drug addicted sister. Anyhow, to cut a long story short, this is the passage I like and wanted to share:

“With codependency everyone is always waiting for the addict to recover- which may never happen - before they can be happy. Learn how to be happy no matter what your mother or your sister are doing. By doing so you actually increase their chances of recovering too.”

Says it all I think although it takes practice and initially feels counter intuitive.

I hope you are all keeping well.

Lots of love

DQ

[lesleerose]

Hi DQ
Yes co dependency is a terrible thing everyone blaming everyone else and the hamster wheel goes round and round … usually this has been going on for many generations and no one knows what is happening they don’t know how to get off this horrible way of life … I think it was father Martin who said “ most people go through their lives and never wake up “ I know what he means … because the rest of my family are so spiritually sick … for me and only for me the 12 step program of recovery a truly beautiful way of life was my relief from the horror not only of my own addiction but that of my daughters … in the words of the hymn “ amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me … I once was lost but now am found … was blind but now I see …
I am blessed to have woken up … I know peace …it’s not an easy life I am in the middle of the cyclone where there is peace although the storm is all around me..Every morning I look in the mirror and say “ I am the problem “ no more blaming …
If anyone reading this has not tried the 12 step program then I would suggest you give it a go you have nothing to loose and everything to gain … it’s not about anyone else it’s about setting you free to walk the long broad highway of existence
Yours in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[LM66]

That is so true DQ. At the start of my journey, I was settled if my son was settled, happy if he was happy, and when his life was unsettled, I was in panic mode. Anxiety shot through the roof. It was awful!.
Our journey is to work through this, and find better ways of coping, that allow us to function. To reach acceptance that we have no control over someone else's actions. It takes time to work through all of this.
When I first joined the forum, I read previous posts, and used to think that I would never reach the point where I could "live alongside unresolved issues". I could not even imagine that I would feel joy ever again as I was so broken hearted - yet, here I am!
We have to be willing to put ourselves first.
Much Love
L x

[Concernedmum]

Hi all

I remember reading somewhere that you are only ever as happy as our least happy child.

For a while that was true for me. My moods absolutely reflected the madness and chaos of her life.

Here I have learnt to reverse that and find a level of peace and even joy in spite of her actions. Sometimes I still cry and I am deeply saddned and disappointed by her actions and life choices but I know that I cannot change this.

I have a life and I have other family members who need me, so I am.no longer as happy as my most unhappy child. I am content in my own right

CM

[josie2023]

I’m glad someone mentioned that saying about your unhappiest child - that haunts me. I think I am more able than I used to be, to say to myself that it’s ok for me to be happy no matter how things are for my son. Even writing that makes me feel uncomfortable.
I don’t know how to feel ok if my son doesn’t have somewhere to live although it’s become impossible for him to be in the family home. I keep thinking if we had done things differently maybe it would not be like this - I’ve made a lot of mistakes.
Where does responsibility sit? If addiction is an illness, can he help making bad decisions?
Struggling.

[lesleerose]

Josie there is nothing you could have done …
I made a lot of bad choices but I made good choices too …
I got sober nearly 25 years ago but it didn’t stop my youngest daughter becoming an addict …
I believe addiction is an illness but only after you lift the first one because if you’re like me you can’t stop …
So I had to learn how not to lift the first one …
There are children brought up in beautiful family surroundings and there are children who aren’t that in itself doesn’t determine whether you will or won’t become an addict …
You didn’t cause it you can’t control it and you can’t cure it only your boy can do that …you are powerless
So be strong girl and give yourself permission to be happy
Yours in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[Poetry]

It doesn't matter whether addiction is an illness or not. The reason is, that even if it were to be an illness, then there is a cure available for that illness, in the form of the peer support groups which exist, help from the GP, community drug rehabilitation centres, and the operation of the human will.

If someone with another illness, for example, my husband, who has mild Crohn's and receives an infusion from the hospital every month which keeps his symptoms at bay, refuse to take the treatment, then the rest of the family suffers.

My view of addiction, (and I know that others disagree), is that it is not illness, but a series of bad choices which eventually makes the person ill, and very often, over the long-term, completely mad. However, as above, if it is an illness, then they should be taking the cure and not putting their families through this utter hell.

As Leslee says, alcoholics have to make that choice not to pick up the first drink, knowing that the first will lead to many more, will make the drinker ill, and wreak havoc on innocent families.

A big shout out to everyone with addiction problems, some on here, and so many in the community, who are recovering, because it is hard won, and well done to all of them. P. ❤.

[rocklobster]

Anyhow, to cut a long story short, this is the passage I like and wanted to share:

“With codependency everyone is always waiting for the addict to recover- which may never happen - before they can be happy. Learn how to be happy no matter what your mother or your sister are doing. By doing so you actually increase their chances of recovering too.”

Says it all I think although it takes practice and initially feels counter intuitive.

I hope you are all keeping well.

Lots of love

DQ

Thank you for sharing that Drama Queen. I'm trying to put that in practice, a day or sometimes an hour at a time. As I just posted elsewhere, I have learned through my own recovery that I'm actually of no use to anyone else if I don't try to keep myself well.

Hi all

I remember reading somewhere that you are only ever as happy as our least happy child.

For a while that was true for me. My moods absolutely reflected the madness and chaos of her life.

Here I have learnt to reverse that and find a level of peace and even joy in spite of her actions. Sometimes I still cry and I am deeply saddned and disappointed by her actions and life choices but I know that I cannot change this.

I have a life and I have other family members who need me, so I am.no longer as happy as my most unhappy child. I am content in my own right

CM

That's good to read CM. I definitely felt like I could never be happy again when I joined the forum in September while my son was in such a state (and was really hoping to find a miracle cure for my son's addiction here although being in recovery myself for decades knew somewhere inside that couldn't be the case!)

It is still very up and down. But I am finding lots of hope here, from others and readings. My partner and I are getting on with doing the things we enjoy, both separately and together. I am able to have some mental peace away from the worry for slightly longer stretches of time, be it a few minutes or a couple hours. It doesn't mean I don't love my son and I'm not still desperately concerned daily - but dwelling on his problems and behaviour and choices that I can't control and constant worry isn't improving the situation. I do know that I am currently reacting a lot better to his choices at the moment by being a bit more well rested and feeling slightly calmer in myself.

[Onmyown57]

Wow. I am new here and just found this thread and post from LM66 -
‘At the start of my journey, I was settled if my son was settled, happy if he was happy, and when his life was unsettled, I was in panic mode. Anxiety shot through the roof. It was awful!.’

This is me!
My son has had an addiction to cannabis for many years. He has been using it for 10 years. And now it seems he also is addicted to gambling.

I have tried and tried to help So many times, we’ve gone round in circles but I’ve always ended up thinking well it’s just recreational, it’s not a problem everyone smokes weed these days, it’s just his confidence and mental health issues that are the problem.
Because he can still function and takes care of how he looks etc and because he hasn’t gone on to ‘harder’ drugs I thi k maybe I’m kidding myself, I dont know what I’m
Trying to say now, I’m waffling, I guess I’m
Asking if my son does actually have a problem, he only works literally a couple Of hours a week, he hates his life but never does anything to change it, he’s In debt, I’ve bailed him out numerous times and so it goes on.

He is a really caring and compassionate man (he’s 24) until something goes wrong
Then All hell breaks loose, his mood is so variable it’s awful….as the poster above says, there isn’t a problem
When he’s ok, I’m happy when he’s happy, but is this an ok situation I no longer know what’s wrong or right.

[LM66]

Hi Onmyown

If he is only working a couple of hours a week, and smokes weed - where is the money coming from to buy it?
It's affecting his mood, and his motivation to change his life - weed does this. My son was the same, so I would say, yes, it is a problem.
For you, it's no way to live. Walking on eggshells waiting on the next outburst. It's affecting your life. We can't put the key to pur happiness in someone else's pocket - just my opinion.
He's 24, a man, and should be paying his way (digs) instead of acting like a spoiled child.
Only you know what you are prepared to put up with.
Stick around the forum for your support.
Much Love
L x