So sad , but hanging in there

[ANAID777]

Dear 2splendourangel, thank you for reaching out to me, I totally understand when you say, at times you are tired.

We (family) have heard my son is likely living (well not living) with drug dealers in the local area , close to his father’s house. Not only descended in the hell of addiction , gambling with his life with these people and turned his back on his child


I am so worried for my sons father who has been scouring the streets for him and I fear placing his own life at risk. I have advised his father we must focus on what we can do, his own well being, his partner, our daughter who is amazing (thank God) and our little darling grandson.

My husband is being supportive , following a period of being angry with my son. I do understanding his feelings and frustration and why he is so upset with the impact to me. My son has cost our whole family so much in terms of pain , time .. money etc etc etc.

I know You know this so well. I am sorry you have had to go through such devastating pain, along with all here , the experience is so familiar to so many. I hope you and your grandchildren are as well as can be

I am trying beyond belief to take each day as it comes , focus on my own mental health,my work , I am a child protection social worker which make this all even harder for me , but I have to move through the Shame as I know I have done all I can and I am protecting my grandson ( I always will prioritise him over my son) he is innocent in this.

Thank you once again , it helps to share here , be heard and to feel support from people that truly understand. I, like you, am grateful to be alive and to have love in my life , I will focus on this as best as I can. xxx

[LM66]

Hi Anaid

The resilience of our sons would amaze you. I used to be breaking my heart, imagining him on the streets, and he would txt to tell me this, and all the while, he was in a "friends" place.
You know, addiction doesn't discriminate. It can knock on anyone's door. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. Our sons are wgere they are due to their choices, not because of anything we did or didn't do. I was a mental health nurse, and had worked in addiction services, and yet I couldn't help my son.
Much Love
L x

[Poetry]

I was a teacher in secondary schools, and ex students contact me and say how much I did for them, but I had no effect on my son.

Nowadays, when some time has elapsed since we realised about his addiction, and tried to help, and had the worst year of our lives in 2018, I think of my lovely ex students, and try to help those who are in touch. My son is a lost cause.

There is no shame, and no guilt. Instead, we should try to go about our daily lives with an enormous sense of pride that we are doing our best in sometimes intolerable circumstances. Big hugs to everyone on here. P x

[ANAID777]

Thank you L and P xx.. I appreciate you and the support here, will be going to a live meeting today xx

[lesleerose]

That’s just super anaid you will meet ppl in the same position as yourself at different stages … as my gran used to say a problem shared is a problem halfed excuse the spelling …
I really wish you well let us know how you get on
Well done you will never have to go to your first famanon meeting again … I am a member of AA and I have grown to love it
You know anaid you are no longer alone and that is beautiful..
In famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[josie2023]

Isn’t it interesting that so many of us have jobs where we help others and yet find ourselves powerless to help our own family members? It feels like a cruel irony but I do take comfort when I can help anyone as I think well, at least I can do this and it is positive - just such a sadness all the time though, below the surface.
Love to you all and thank you for being there, it truly helps to know we understand each other. X

[ANAID777]

Thank you ALL for taking time to reach out .. your support is helping to know I am not alone in this desperate time xx

@Lesleerose I did not get to my first meeting after all, my grandsons mother was struggling due to toothache (poor thing) so he stayed with me last night, which was lovely , although sad at the same time as he told me a few times he misses his daddy .. I did get wonderful hugs and we made plans for the following weeks of fun things we will do together .. I will get to my first meeting ASAP as my local one is every fortnight and I will be working away for the next one .. I will get there though .. for sure . I have also worked out a plan should my son decide he wants to take steps back to the recovery journey.. it does not involve my enabling but does involve my support as he is my son and I will do what I can , if he chooses to want to survive .. he did reach out to my grandsons mother this week so we know at least he is alive , although he no where near in his right mind and thinking he can have some contact with my grandson, which of course we all saying no way .. he is just 5 and even if it was supervised .. it is simply too much for a 5 year old to comprehend so for his sake we say no. Best wishes ANAID xxx

[lesleerose]

Hello ansaid we can only do our best and I know there is no greater love than a mother has for her child …
I was completely broken years ago and as you say it’s the children I once heard it described as the slaughter of the innocents .. but your son will eventually hit his rock bottom… I did I was 25 years sober yesterday… I come on here to famanon for my addict daughter so it can be done ..
Try and keep it all in the day it’s easier that way don’t think any further than that and you will cope …
You know anaid life is full of ups and downs because when we flatline we are dead
I hope you get to your meeting the Famanon people are truly a breath of fresh air and their help is absolutely beautiful..
As I said tell your little grandson that daddy can’t take care of himself at the moment
Bless you in Famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[ANAID777]

Thank you Lesleerose, I am most certainly trying to take it day by day and not being too hard on myself re my lack of focus on work. I will for sure get myself to a meeting as soon as possible and have referred myself for talking therapy alongside other healing things I can do for myself.

Congratulations on 25 years sober, my love, best wishes and gratitude to you xxx

[Exhausted!!]

Anaid77. It's so painful and we've all on Fannon, have, are walking in your shoes, with our addicted children or partners. I've only been on here a few months, but what Fannon and all you brave wonderful people posting, has taught me, are teaching me, as a parent, I am not a failure. Addiction is an illness that has ripped us to shreds, mentally, emotionally, physically, financially.

Dennis. Again, share your pain. My son is on PIP. Helped him get it all restored as missed his interview as was in hosp. He does not live with me but weekly I get texts, Bye, this is it, going to jump under a train if I wont give money. Pulling on my heart strings what he knows best. Now i reply. Your life your choice but will not lie, have sent him money for food as he must eat to live. Last two years hell but for 15 years, had this on and off with every addiction going.

Last 24 hours not a word! Silence! I called hosp - not there. Been thinking all sorts then came on here an hour ago, read posts, AH, it's Friday, has he got money??? There is always a pattern when he gets money. Silence. When I say him a week ago, he looked good, weight on, not that down in gutter look - those dirty black hands i saw now lovely and clean. However?????????????????????????????????????? One day at a time with addicts.

Reality is Dennis we can't protect them, if them refuse to protect themselves.

I'm a single mum. His dad died 6.5 years ago through years of alcohol abuse. He loved his dad - probably the only one that truly did, but if this stress kills me, he's no one. I'm certainly not getting younger if he's 33 this year. For this reason, I will walk over hot coals before I let him stay a night here never mind move in. The day has to come, when you put your health first.

[Poetry]

We are all doing SO MUCH to help ourselves and to help one another. It is inspiring.

Believe me, we cannot keep living with addiction in our lives. We all do it for a certain amount of time, when we think that we might be able to help, and if we've got it, we all spend thousands of pounds trying to get them better, racing around after them, speaking to the police and hospitals, and trying to hold jobs and relationships together, but there comes a time when you can't do it any longer.

Each person knows when that time has come.

My husband sends our addicted son a message every Christmas and New Year, and one on his birthday, via Instagram. All that comes back is abuse, but that's okay. Husband prefers to send a message and then he has nothing on his conscience.

Recently the addict sent his dad a request for money for something. As it would have been possible to ensure that the money paid out for this specific treatment he was wanting, (nothing do with addiction) could be easily tracked by us, and not spent on drugs, husband was inclined to agree. I immediately fell apart, trembling and shaking and feeling panic stricken. I cannot get involved with this person again. Husband agreed to say no.

Love to all of you. P.

[Exhausted!!]

Poetry. Like I said, we all feel your pain and anxiety. I find, very sadly, my son brings a personality out of me I loathe. Spent my entire life, outside my "so called established career" as always volunteered helping vulnerable people ( For past 18 years felt nothing but 2 faced as helping so many others who where beyond thankful, call me their second mum, but live with the lie of my son) but he can rattle in me something only he dad (alcoholic I had to leave when he, sin, was 1 year of age) only ever managed. The anxiety they can bring out in us, only we as individuals will ever know.

Like every parent on here tonight, we carry such a heavy weight, and I am feeling it tonight, is tonight the night I get that knock on the door.

I respect addiction is an illness. I respect they are lost. What I don't respect, is they can't see the love we have for them BUT WORSE, the pain, hurt, sleepless nights, we as parents have, waiting for that dreaded knock on the door. They don't give a crap as they wrapped up in a false world as "they can't cope with the real world". Love them to put the shoe on the other foot and see if they like our world dealing with them.


Blessings to all of you and lets stick together, write, release our pain, get it off our shoulders, as will make us stronger. xxxx

[josie2023]

Love to you all and thank you for your shares and your honesty.
Exhausted, I hope and pray for you as you worry and wait in case that knock on the door comes.

[ANAID777]

My love to you all. The pain and trauma we have all suffered and continue to suffer is indescribable, especially to those who do not know it and thankfully do not have to. I am deeply touched and grateful, and I am finding your support invaluable, it helps immensely to share, be heard and to hear your experiences. I thank you once again.

Xxx

[josie2023]

Dear Exhausted, How are you and have you heard how your son is? I keep thinking of you and also love to you Anaid and all your family. It is true that the support from each other really helps. I hope you have all been able to find some comfort and rest this weekend. Xx