Hi, first time here and totally heartbroken that I’ve needed too! I cannot believe how my son has got himself in such drug debt trouble and subsequently the situation he has left me in!
My son is 21 and over the last 2 years, myself and my parents have bailed him out of his drug debts by well over £60k. How stupid and gullible have we been??? But every time he has supposedly been fearing for his life, the threats etc and you’ve all heard, ‘the last time’!!! Well just before Christmas, he was told no more money. I’m in that much credit card debt I feel sick and half of my parents retirement funds have diminished.
I ridiculously thought we had got thru to him! I was less stressed, less emotional and with relief it had come to an end. But oh no! My life was once again turned upside down with the request for more money. Just £8000!!
The worst thing was, that I had kept all of this from my husband as he is very anti drugs. So I came clean and now, together with the stress of seeing my son in panic mode (even though I know it’s his own doing). I now have a husband hardly speaking to me as I’ve lied for so long. All of which I can understand.
Anyway, I’ve stood my ground as we have no more money to give and actually reading some of the other discussions, it has definitely given me more strength. I honestly don’t know how much more I can cry.
Our son is still in panic, making me feel guilty and even suggesting that he will be attacked or be dead soon at some point. Am I now been blackmailed?
The thing is, the amount he’s paid and owed just does not add up. He did admit selling to his mates but our son is always broke so not making large amounts of money that way, yet not ‘so out of it’ on drugs to have used that quantity either! We have suggested they have some hold over him and maybe blackmailing him but he’s adamant he owes it.
We have told him to just tell the dealer he has nothing to give. And the fact that over £48k has actually been paid to the dealer directly into a bank account rather than cash, to us is a ‘don’t do anything to us’ as there is a potential trail back to him. But our son just does not see it. The whole family knows the name of the dealer and exactly who he works but our son still seems petrified.
I don’t really know what I’m asking, perhaps to just get it off my chest to others that understand. X
Living on tenterhooks due to sons drugs
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Strugglingmum50
- Posts: 1
- Joined: Thu Feb 15, 2024 10:32 pm
Re: Living on tenterhooks due to sons drugs
Hello Strugglingmum
Welcome to FA. This is where making contact with others who have lived through similar will guide and support your recovery from this family situation that can wreck it if we allow it to!
You've spent many thousands. Where has it got you?
There comes a time of realisation! We wake up to the fact that our actions have had no positive impact on our addicts whatsoever. I know! Been there, done that as they say! Everyone on here will know how you feel.
Does it make sense to keep on repeating an action that you already know is having no effect?
All that I have said is intellectually correct. But when our emotions get in the way, that's when things can go array.
Our addicts will do whatever they see fit, when and how they choose, regardless of our needs, feelings and advice!! I was doing this for decades! What madness on my part!
You have reached out. You know something HAS to change. Your physical. mental. emotional and financial health depend on it. This point is when we realise that it is US who has to change. To change our actions and reactions.
This change isn't easy. That's why I would urge you to keep posting how you feel on here, ring the FA Helpline to speak directly to a fellow sufferer who will truly know the turmoil that you feel ( details are on the email you had for the FA Admin team), and get to an FA meeting! Meet others, whether face to face or online via zoom. For me, in my recovery, this was crucial. I couldn't do it on my own. And part of my realisation was that I have other loved ones who, I am ashamed to say, I had neglected and treated without the respect they deserve, in my sorry attempts to "help" my addict. I had to put that right too. It's all part of the change in us that is required.
I wish you well Strugglingmum and am so glad that you have made contact with us here. Keep on doing that! The Helpline will be open at 1pm!
Details of meetings are on this forum and the main FA UK website.
Sending a virtual hug!
Bette
Welcome to FA. This is where making contact with others who have lived through similar will guide and support your recovery from this family situation that can wreck it if we allow it to!
You've spent many thousands. Where has it got you?
There comes a time of realisation! We wake up to the fact that our actions have had no positive impact on our addicts whatsoever. I know! Been there, done that as they say! Everyone on here will know how you feel.
Does it make sense to keep on repeating an action that you already know is having no effect?
All that I have said is intellectually correct. But when our emotions get in the way, that's when things can go array.
Our addicts will do whatever they see fit, when and how they choose, regardless of our needs, feelings and advice!! I was doing this for decades! What madness on my part!
You have reached out. You know something HAS to change. Your physical. mental. emotional and financial health depend on it. This point is when we realise that it is US who has to change. To change our actions and reactions.
This change isn't easy. That's why I would urge you to keep posting how you feel on here, ring the FA Helpline to speak directly to a fellow sufferer who will truly know the turmoil that you feel ( details are on the email you had for the FA Admin team), and get to an FA meeting! Meet others, whether face to face or online via zoom. For me, in my recovery, this was crucial. I couldn't do it on my own. And part of my realisation was that I have other loved ones who, I am ashamed to say, I had neglected and treated without the respect they deserve, in my sorry attempts to "help" my addict. I had to put that right too. It's all part of the change in us that is required.
I wish you well Strugglingmum and am so glad that you have made contact with us here. Keep on doing that! The Helpline will be open at 1pm!
Details of meetings are on this forum and the main FA UK website.
Sending a virtual hug!
Bette
Re: Living on tenterhooks due to sons drugs
Hi Strugglingmum
Yes, been there and done that too, although not to such a whacking great amount as yourself.
I had to pull back, as my son's drug use was making me ill. Nothing I done ever had any positive effect. We can't control what they do, so we have to control ourselves and how we respond to them.
Your son will not think twice at leaving you penniless. You have to start putting yourself and your husband first. It takes time for us to change our ways, but it's the only way to survive this horror show.
Stick around the forum, and as Bette suggest, phone the helpline, speak to someone. Find out if there are meetings available to you.
Much Love
L x
Yes, been there and done that too, although not to such a whacking great amount as yourself.
I had to pull back, as my son's drug use was making me ill. Nothing I done ever had any positive effect. We can't control what they do, so we have to control ourselves and how we respond to them.
Your son will not think twice at leaving you penniless. You have to start putting yourself and your husband first. It takes time for us to change our ways, but it's the only way to survive this horror show.
Stick around the forum, and as Bette suggest, phone the helpline, speak to someone. Find out if there are meetings available to you.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
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lesleerose
- Posts: 1294
- Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm
Re: Living on tenterhooks due to sons drugs
Hi struggling mum and firstly a big hug and welcome to famanon this forum is for YOU and hopefully your husband ..
I come on here because of my addict daughter and like you spent thousands of pounds trying to rescue her
Addicts are master manipulators and will do ANYTHING for there drug of choice at that given time .. my addict daughter has been through the lot including heroin crack cocaine weed methadone.. including alcohol.. I was mentally physically spiritually and financially broken when I came on here..
You see we can’t save them umpteen mobile phones deposits for flats food clothes all money for drugs then 7 or 8 rehabs/ treatment centres some I paid for some the local council paid for meanwhile unknown to me she was saving up her dole money to come out and start all over again … then prostitution …it broke and shredded my heart she could have been a model … my child was gone I was talking to the drugs now heartbroken…my small family in the middle of it all she brought a miracle little girl into this world and of course enter social services I have done everything to keep the wee one out of the care system as I am to old to bring the wee one up myself she is now 9 and we are getting there ..my god they are getting brazen getting money paid directly into a bank account.
My addict daughter is now 40 ( she started experimenting with drugs in her early teens ) and still using as you have read from my and your own experience it doesn’t work …If your son won’t get help you may have to put him out I had to do that with the police ……and of course everything was my fault . I am so grateful to this forum and the beautiful people on here they showed me how to let go of my addict daughter and stop enabling her I haven’t heard from her or seen her for 2 years now … I blocked and deleted her recent number ... as I was only making things worse ..
This is not your fault it can happen to anyone …
If you can get to live meetings or zoom meetings it will help
Please keep posting
Bless you in famanon fellowship
Lesleerosd
I come on here because of my addict daughter and like you spent thousands of pounds trying to rescue her
Addicts are master manipulators and will do ANYTHING for there drug of choice at that given time .. my addict daughter has been through the lot including heroin crack cocaine weed methadone.. including alcohol.. I was mentally physically spiritually and financially broken when I came on here..
You see we can’t save them umpteen mobile phones deposits for flats food clothes all money for drugs then 7 or 8 rehabs/ treatment centres some I paid for some the local council paid for meanwhile unknown to me she was saving up her dole money to come out and start all over again … then prostitution …it broke and shredded my heart she could have been a model … my child was gone I was talking to the drugs now heartbroken…my small family in the middle of it all she brought a miracle little girl into this world and of course enter social services I have done everything to keep the wee one out of the care system as I am to old to bring the wee one up myself she is now 9 and we are getting there ..my god they are getting brazen getting money paid directly into a bank account.
My addict daughter is now 40 ( she started experimenting with drugs in her early teens ) and still using as you have read from my and your own experience it doesn’t work …If your son won’t get help you may have to put him out I had to do that with the police ……and of course everything was my fault . I am so grateful to this forum and the beautiful people on here they showed me how to let go of my addict daughter and stop enabling her I haven’t heard from her or seen her for 2 years now … I blocked and deleted her recent number ... as I was only making things worse ..
This is not your fault it can happen to anyone …
If you can get to live meetings or zoom meetings it will help
Please keep posting
Bless you in famanon fellowship
Lesleerosd
Last edited by lesleerose on Sun Feb 18, 2024 5:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Living on tenterhooks due to sons drugs
Hi Struggling Mum,
My heart goes out to you. it is devastating and beyond stressful the fear we experience when our children have no regard for their own life, safety, health or their family. Reading your post reminded me years ago when we tried to help our son who is now 35, settle cocaine debts. Still he gravitated back to drugs , dealers and offending behaviours. Now thousands later and failed rehab, I am having to accept all we could do , has been done., and sadly he has chosen Crack Cocaine over his own child , who is just 5 years old.
As hard as it, is the only way to save yourselves, is to let him go, it is so hard , I know, but go he will, anyway. I don’t know where my son is at the moment and I live with the fear many of us do in this forum. However, I am focusing on my own mental health, well being and my family.
My husband was very angry with me for keep bailing my son out, and it took a big toll on our marriage. He is not my son’s father , but he has helped him significantly over the years , as has my sons father.
I am now focusing on myself and my marriage, we are getting there and making plans for ourselves, with our other collective children and my dear grandson, who needs me more than ever now. It has helped me to work on a plan of support that does not involve me giving any more money , but could potentially help my son, IF And it is a big IF, he chooses to want to save himself and recover. I will have hope until there is none and will help him access services if he chooses to. I will not pay anything more and my home I am safeguarding for myself, my marriage and my grandson.
Please get support wherever you can, on here, meetings, family, therapy, whatever you feel will help you. Try to stay strong and not give any more money to your son or unscrupulous drug dealers. Keep in mind it is a bottomless pit that you cannot fill.
Love and best wishes ANAID xx
My heart goes out to you. it is devastating and beyond stressful the fear we experience when our children have no regard for their own life, safety, health or their family. Reading your post reminded me years ago when we tried to help our son who is now 35, settle cocaine debts. Still he gravitated back to drugs , dealers and offending behaviours. Now thousands later and failed rehab, I am having to accept all we could do , has been done., and sadly he has chosen Crack Cocaine over his own child , who is just 5 years old.
As hard as it, is the only way to save yourselves, is to let him go, it is so hard , I know, but go he will, anyway. I don’t know where my son is at the moment and I live with the fear many of us do in this forum. However, I am focusing on my own mental health, well being and my family.
My husband was very angry with me for keep bailing my son out, and it took a big toll on our marriage. He is not my son’s father , but he has helped him significantly over the years , as has my sons father.
I am now focusing on myself and my marriage, we are getting there and making plans for ourselves, with our other collective children and my dear grandson, who needs me more than ever now. It has helped me to work on a plan of support that does not involve me giving any more money , but could potentially help my son, IF And it is a big IF, he chooses to want to save himself and recover. I will have hope until there is none and will help him access services if he chooses to. I will not pay anything more and my home I am safeguarding for myself, my marriage and my grandson.
Please get support wherever you can, on here, meetings, family, therapy, whatever you feel will help you. Try to stay strong and not give any more money to your son or unscrupulous drug dealers. Keep in mind it is a bottomless pit that you cannot fill.
Love and best wishes ANAID xx
Re: Living on tenterhooks due to sons drugs
You are so right Anaid, it can only happen when they want it to, and we cannot change things for them, only be there to try and support in positive ways.
I try never to give money, only to buy shopping and pay for things like somewhere to stay - I have given a lot over the years and I’m frustrated when I look back at all the mistakes I made, but I try to think - one day at a time - leave the past behind and move on.
Take care everyone and love to you all. Xx
I try never to give money, only to buy shopping and pay for things like somewhere to stay - I have given a lot over the years and I’m frustrated when I look back at all the mistakes I made, but I try to think - one day at a time - leave the past behind and move on.
Take care everyone and love to you all. Xx