Relapse

[KAZ2212]

My 24 year old has been using ketamine since 17 and had 9 months in residential rehab and 2 months ago he relapsed and it’s all starting back up again since he’s moved back home. No job and sleeping and using most days in his bedroom and not attending meetings. he is constantly on my mind and I feel I should kick him out as he has a 5 year old Daughter that visits weekly

[Dennis]

Hi KAZ2212

Firstly I just want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. My 24 year old son is also a ketamine addict. It is relentless isn’t it. You don’t hear much about ketamine and it is a sad horrible drug that they just sit in their room and do on their own. My son has a job at the moment but it prob won’t last long. It usually lasts a few weeks and he spends all his money paying off drug debts. He never pays us any money for rent or food and is in so much debt to payday loans and credit cards. Like you I want to kick him out but he tells me that will be the end if I do as he will have nothing and will kill himself. Sounds like a horrible spoilt brat I know. We have begged him to speak to drug therapist and go to NA meetings. He said he would stop and promised not to do it in the home ever again. Last night my husband went into kitchen and found him all spaced out trying to make a drink. My husband lost it and threw the drink everywhere and said he has got to be out today. I have told my son enough is enough and he is killing himself but not taking us with him. We have told him to go. He will do is usual and stand on doorstep texting saying please I’ll stop. It is so hard and such a horrible life living with an addict son. It must be even harder for you with a grandchild involved. You must be going out of your mind because he is choosing ketamine over his daughter. So hard. I’m new to the forum and downtrodden and exhausted with it all. There are parents on here that have been dealing with this for decades and will hopefully give you some good advice. You’re not alone though and if you want to chat you can private message me as it seems we going through same thing. You take care.

[lesleerose]

Dearest kaz and Dennis
The drug of choice doesn’t matter bit like alcohol in that respect vodka whisky beer etc …
Kaz your son knows what he has to do he must attend meetings am with you call the police and put him out if necessary get a restraining order your little granddaughter you and your husband must take priority…. When on a sinking ship you put your own life jacket first you can’t save him … exactly the same as I couldn’t save my addict daughter though believe me I tried everything mentally physically spiritually and financially I was completely bereft she also brought a little one into this world and I have tried so very hard to be in her life trying to keep the wee one out of social services… I am now a pensioner and my daughter at 40 is still using she started early teens god knows how she is still alive so yes put him out or he will continue to take you and whoever else down that road to hell and it is hell the drugs will always come first . I have now cut all contact with my addict daughter thanks to this Famanon fellowship they saved me as I crawled back to health but I am left with health problems..
Dearest Dennis it’s pretty much the same for you addicts are master manipulators your boy will cry beg steal cheat all the stuff addicts do the truth of the matter is he will step over your dead body to get his drug of choice
Please call admin these beautiful people give of themselves freely and they all are the same as us trying to recover from a loved one’s addiction to drugs ..
If you can get to live famanon meetings or zoom famanon meetings everyone there is in the same position as yourself at different stages so you are no longer alone …They all threaten suicide some do some don’t but you are totally powerless you only have control over what you do ….
I know how hard it is it’s relentless and it’s evil don’t let it take you too
Nothing changes if nothing changes the only person that can help your sons is themselves
Bless both of you in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[Poetry]

Kaz and Dennis

Leslee has put a lot of energy into her heartfelt response and I agree with her without reservation.

You cannot live with this going on. You might be able to exist, but it is not the same as living. In order to get our lives back, we have to recognise that we have done everything and more to help our addicts recover, and they have steadfastly refused to do so.

We now have to save ourselves. They have made the choice for addiction over family loves, they have watched us suffer as they sink further into it, they have turned away from us. That's their choice.

It's now time to say enough is enough. I was beginning to reach that point, six years ago when I came on the forum, but in all honesty, it took another couple of years before I finally got it. My son is now fully estranged. As far as I know he is still alive, as he occasionally uses Instagram, but that is the only contact I have, and the Instagram is not my account, just one which is shown to me from time to time.

How can you not want to see your mum, for the six years which it will be in summer of this year? It's inconceivable, especially when that mum has been as good as I know I have been, and it also applies to his dad, who was an excellent father.

This is what they do. This is what addicts will choose. I don't know how those of you who have had an addict living with you have managed. My son was not living with us at the time that we discovered his addiction, and it was still absolute hell on earth for us.

Please get free. Prioritise the innocent. P.

[LM66]

Hi Kaz and Dennis

I remember being in exactly the same position. My sons behaviour deteriorated to the point that he was dealing drugs from my home, when me and my husband were at work. One night, he was totally out of it, and pulled a knife on me - that was the final straw, he had to go.
Yes it ripped my heart out, but he left me no choice.
As long as we accept their behaviours, then we get more of the same, and it progresses.
You will know what the deal breaker is for you.
Much Love
L x

[Dennis]

Hi

Thank you for being here and I do know that I have to make him leave but it is very hard as it feels like I will be saying goodbye for good as I am worried about what he will do or where he will go with absolutely no money. However I do understand that if I let him stay it will continue as it is and me and my husband have no life, it is completely centred around his addiction. It is horrible laying in bed knowing what he is doing in his bedroom and not knowing if he will be alive in the morning.
Thanks for support x

[lesleerose]

Hi again Dennis if you can get to some live or zoom meetings this will help you immensely everyone there is going through the same as you … The way you are feeling is entirely normal considering your situation… look up ambiguous grief I learned that on here …
By allowing your son to use drugs in the family home taking no money for his contribution to the family home you are enabling him to use ….
Addicts have a way of meeting other addicts they get together and survive the best way they can.. sofa surfing etc
This will only get worse as LM said you will find your own point of no return mine came when I woke up with my addict daughter with an axe above my head
Please keep posting
Yours in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[ANAID777]

Dear Kaz,

As others have said as hard as it is, you must prioritise yourself, your little granddaughter and your family. Sadly nothing you do will change your son, unless he wants to change, which looks like he is not ready to do. As suggested get support where you can, so you can to strengthen yourself to take the action that is necessary. I did everything in my power, which ultimately just enabled my son.

I was given this message last week and it gave me some small comfort , I hope it does you too

Beloved,
You want to hear from me about letting your son go. You are not abandoning him, as much as it may feel like it. You are simply transferring his well-being from your care to mine.
It was never my intention for you to direct, guide, and control his life. That is my role. Yours in the beginning was to love him, protect him, and teach him. You've done that. He was never yours to keep. To have peace you must let him go. Your stubborn self-will only gets in the way of the plans I have for him.
I know it is not your intention to interfere, but you are. You are not all- wise and all-powerful. You cannot remove his disease. You cannot love him to wellness. Only I can do that.
You must trust that I care for your son's well-being. You must trust that I love him more than your human love can. My thoughts, my ways, my plans are bigger than you can comprehend. Your lives are so short, yet you waste so much time in worry and fear.
Yes, your son may cut his life short. That is not my intention, but his choice. He must trust me also, and seek to have a relationship with me. Only then can I work in his life. I will not force myself on him or you. I am very willing to be involved in your lives, but only to the degree that you allow. We both know what a struggle trusting me has been for you.
You can't make it any easier for your son to trust me. He has to find me on his own. Let him do that.
Get out of the way. Love him as my child, the way I love you. But let him go so that he can be himself whoever that may be.
We're in this together. You can come to me anytime to tell me your worries and concerns. I'll listen, I always have. But I may choose to be silent. That�s my way of growing and stretching you.
I know you love your son, and I love you for that. But ultimately, he is my child. Entrust him to me and you will grow. You will find the peace that you want. You have so much in your own life to focus on. Focus on growing yourself, and let me worry about your son.
Loving you always,
Your Higher Power

My prayers, love and hugs Anaid xxx

[lesleerose]

Anaid your post brought tears of relief to
Me what a beautiful piece of written work
Beautifully versed
Yes I am in recovery 25 years now Alcoholics Anonymous … yes it’s been tough and remains that way …
I come on to famanon because of my addict daughter so I am a double winner ..
The beautiful program of recovery saved me my higher power .
Though it is not necessary to have a higher power or program …
You are doing so very well and your recovery from your son’s addiction shows through your words
Please keep posting
Yours in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[LM66]

That is oh so true Anaid

Much Love
L x

[2splendourangel]

That is such a powerful piece of writing Anaid with a background of being a Catholic much of the wording resonates with me. Of course everyone on here will love the words but have their own interpretation of a higher power/higher being and will acknowledge how this touches them. I do read messages most days but with my feelings still raw many of my words are locked into a heart that has been frozen over and part of my life still exists pining for the grand-children who now are dimming to a distant memory. I try to leave them out of conversations with friends and extended family and I do have a life and put much effort into saying I am living rather than existing it's like they say on here fake it until you make it so that is what I do although the mask slips now and again. My daughter is still alive and I have heard still about the same no rehabs no trying to do better for herself and her mental health is not good. She has some friends that stay around her although they are doing the same as her so I stay away from her and do not get involved with it. Life for me goes on the crap will not grind me down and one day those grand-children will be eighteen and want to find me so I am keeping myself alive and make sure I am here for them. Take care all have a great weekend. 2Splendourangel.

[Poetry]

Splendor, it is always good to get an update on how you are doing, and as ever, my heart goes right out to you about the grandchildren, but you're right. Protect yourself, and one day they will be independent adults.

The little piece of writing as if from the higher power is very moving. Like you, Splendour, I was brought up a Catholic and those notions of God having a plan are familiar to me. I've always believed that, if there is a God (I'm agnostic) then it's all dependent on free will. If the addict at any time wants to bend his or her free will in the direction of the powers of goodness in this world, then they only have to make that choice.

We've all made the choice for good, or we wouldn't be on here, and it helped me to I think about how there is a principle at work in the world, which is protecting us and supporting us. Despite everything, and despite some times the support we get on here, which is magnificent, we feel drained and alone. It's a comfort to see, in writing, how important and special we are. P. X