Frightened

[AD2024]

My granddaughter is a cocaine and alcohol addict. She has a toddler. My daughter is looking after her whilst trying to keep a job going. I have let my granddaughter and her partner move in with me. Its been 5 weeks now and there has been so much upset she is lying steeling and keeps disappearing for days. My great granddaughter is traumatised and says she doesn't want to go home to her house. We are trying to keep her safe with us. She hasn't been abused physically but emotionally. Her partner was the one who got her onto the drugs he has been to prison several times. She doesn't function without him. She hangs on to his every word. If he leaves her on her own she cannot function. My daughter has told them that they cannot and will not take her back to their house. I know we are doing the right thing by keeping my great granddaughter safe but they are threatening to take her back. What can we do. Her partner says she trying but it's only 3vdays since she stole a bottle of vodka and drank it in a couple of hours

[lesleerose]

Dearest AD
Firstly a big hug and welcome to famanon we are all a big family on here we all have a loved one who is addicted to substance..
With me it is my daughter ( she has a wee one ) another story ..
The situation you are in is deadly drugs destroy families children everything
You have to put them both out you cannot live like this … I could not save my daughter and I tried everything only to come on here and learn that I was enabling her to stay sick ..
It is not her boyfriend we want to blame somebody that’s the nature of addiction every one blames everyone else and the hamster wheel keeps running going no where ..
Addiction is progressive and it always gets worse … your granddaughter is on the road to hell please don’t go there with her … everyone has their own braking point mine was when I woke up one day she had an axe above my head … shortly after I put her out via the police I just couldn’t do it anymore I was physically mentally spiritually and financially bereft … you are no longer speaking to your granddaughter you are talking to the drugs …
Letting go is a process and I know she is blackmailing you with your little great granddaughter… they won’t take the wee one because it would interfere with their drug abuse ..
The wee one has to be your priority now and you have to protect him/her ….
The wee one will get all the love from you and your daughter
Those 2 have to go tell them they’re leaving or you will call the police to have them put out … I am also a grandmother and I know how difficult this is … take your life back and let them go ..
My daughter who I couldn’t save started using drugs alcohol from the age of 13 at 40 she is still using I haven’t seen her for many years now and I am at peace with that because like you and your daughter it’s not our fault … your granddaughter and her boyfriend don’t sound as if they want to stop …
What I do know is that my addict daughter would have stepped over my dead body to get her drugs because with the addict the drugs will always come first …don’t give any money to them no matter what the excuse…
If you and your daughter can get to some live famanon meetings that’s where you will meet people in the same place you’re in …
Lastly admin give of themselves freely they are exactly the same as us …. Why not give them a call and get some literature you have to find out what your dealing with
Please keep posting
Yours in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[AD2024]

Thank you for your reply. I hear what you say but the trouble is she wants to take her toddler with her. We found out that they up late at night and they in bed most of the day. When we go near their house she gets frightened and says I don't want to go in that house.

[Butterfly1234]

Have you spoken to social services? If you haven’t, then maybe that’s the next step? I don’t know much about how that all works but I did used to work in care and have had dealings with social services myself due to my husbands addiction (also cocaine). They visited the house and schools and spoke to my boys. It was awful for me as I have always just done the very best I can to keep them safe, loved, happy and healthy so I had to constantly remind myself that this wasn’t my fault and I had done nothing wrong. When they saw that my boys were well looked after that was the end of it, though we are on their radar now. Aslong as my husband stays in recovery we don’t have any issues. I wonder, if they see the situation as it is for you they may be able to help you and your daughter keep your great granddaughter safe? Especially if the child is obviously so anxious about going back there. Just a thought. I hope you can find some peace x

[AD2024]

Thak you for your message however we have tried to avoid social services as my granddaughter partner has already got 2 children in care as their mother died through drugs he was in prison so lost custody of them. We are at our wits end. He has informed us today that not only is she using cocaine and drinking she has been gambling for the last few months. They are in debt. I have helped them before but I think they will have to get out of this themselves. Its my daughter and great granddaughter I feel sorry for. Again thank you AD

[Butterfly1234]

I totally understand why you would want to avoid them. Remember though that the situation with his children is not the same as the situation with your great granddaughter and from what I have experienced ss generally would rather keep children with their families where possible and it sounds like you and your daughter are doing a great job of taking care of her. I’m sorry for you and your family, addiction is truly awful. I strongly agree that you should not bail them out. When my husband was in active addiction he would get himself in situations knowing full well that I would do everything in my power to “help” when he needed me, basically bail him out. It’s only once I woke up and stopped doing that that he realised he had to take responsibility for himself and the messes he’d gotten himself into. It seems harsh and you constantly question whether you’re doing the right thing or being out of order and they will make you feel bad for it if they can but in the end paying off their debt or giving them any money at all will not help them or you in the long run. Stay strong x

[Poetry]

Welcome to the forum. Really helpful advice given to you by Leslee and Butterfly.

This needs to stop. Your granddaughter and her partner have to leave. You can't live like this. It will destroy you. That is one promise that I can make to you, and sorry if the message comes across as hard and unrelenting. It is because I care.

The little great granddaughter is a huge priority for you and your daughter. She has to be protected at all costs. Turn all of your attention towards protecting the little girl.

If the partner's children got taken into care, then that was surely so much better an outcome than them living at home with their addict father, and the legacy of a mother who had died owing to her lifestyle, and therefore being placed in terrible danger each day.

I hate to say this to you, and every bit of my heart goes out to you, but that little girl is already damaged. However, as Butterfly says, you and your daughter are capable, between you, of doing a wonderful job and helping the little girl to heal. I think, though, that you need official intervention, because she cannot possibly go "home" with those two people.

I'm afraid that unless your granddaughter wants to rescue herself, she's a lost cause. Look after yourself, the little girl and your daughter. Much love. P.

[Concernedmum]

Dear AD,

my heart goes out to you and I can feel your pain. You have been given great advice.

I have worked in safeguarding and I know that asking for help from social services may seem frightening, but I promise you that they will have the child's interests at heart. Can I suggest that you contact your health visitor or GP and ask for help. They will be able to signpost to the right level of social support and being an advocate for you.

While noone knows the extent of the mothers addiction, then legally she can take her home and you will have no power to stop her. Please get some official help and give your great granddaughter a voice. I know it's frightening, but sadly it maybe the only way to protect her. Social services will always look to keep a child in the family so you need to show that you can work with them and put the little one first.

Stay strong and keep posting

[LM66]

Hi AD

As the others have mentioned,having a formal arrangement is really the only way to prevent her parents from taking her. The position at the moment, they will use the child as a pawn, if you don't do A, B or C, they will threaten to take her - and they legally can do.
Much Love
L x

[AD2024]

Thank you all for your comments and advice. My daughter and I have had a long discussion today and we have agreed that the only way forward is to seek professional advice. We have told my granddaughter what our intentions are and she has begged us not to involve ss. She has agreed to have counselling which we will be sorting out tomorrow. I feel that I have to give her one last chance. Please don't judge me. My daughter thinks I am a fool she is so hurt by my granddaughters actions and the horrible things she has said to her she says she can't forgive her at this time. It has become obvious today that I haven't been told everything that has been going on because my daughter didn't want me to worry. My son in law has told me more so I can understand why she is so hurt. Today my granddaughter is saying she is so sorry and that she wants to change and get help. I can only try.

[lesleerose]

Dearest AD
No one on here will judge you we have or are still where you are ..If your granddaughter means business then get her to phone either the Narcotics Anonymous Alcoholics Anonymous or CA all much the same …
If your granddaughter agrees to that ….and calls them someone from one of these fellowships will come and meet her to take her to her first meeting
You will know if your granddaughter does this then she does want help and it’s absolutely free … this seems to have the highest success rate …
If your granddaughter refuses then you have your answer..
Remember she made these promises before and before long drank a bottle of vodka in a couple of hours …
I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I used to drink and use the way your granddaughter does I am sober 25 years now ..
I come on here for my addict daughter …
This is a fatal malady and you have to look after number one…
Yours in famanon fellowship please let us know how you get on the Alcoholics Anonymous line is open 24/7 manned by other Alcoholics… so there is no excuse why not ask her to call them now
Yours in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[Butterfly1234]

AD2024,

If there is one thing I’ve learned from this forum and FA in general it’s that there is no judgement. We give advice based on our own experience but only wish for the best possible outcome for all no matter what choices are made. This is a place to vent, to say what’s really in your heart without fear of being judged. I have posted things here in the past worrying that people are going to think I’m weak or stupid or making the wrong decision. But we are all here for the same reason and no mater what choices you make we all understand how difficult this whole situation is. I hung on when a lot of people were telling me to let go, I kept saying one more chance, I don’t regret my decisions- not because my husband is now clean and sober and in recovery- but because the times I hung on for dear life and was let down and hurt and thrown into more chaos only made me stronger, until I was ready to let go. The last thing on my mind is judging anyone. I do think professional help (gp,ss) is the best way to go at this point but ultimately am just routing for you and your daughter and the little one and hoping that you will all find some peace and calm and that your granddaughter really does want to get better. X

[Concernedmum]

Absolutely no judgement....we all have to make decisions when the time is right and your family are the only ones who knows all the details.

I understand her fear of not wanting SS involved. However, if you can suggest that maybe you meet a health visitor with her to ask for professional help, that maybe less threatening. If her partner has had a child removed, I would be very cautious of letting your granddaughter anywhere near him

There may be a children's centre or family Hun near you. You can go there for support too, without any judgement.

Please don't feel you have to do this alone. We are here and noone will judge, but we have all heard the lies and manipulation of our addicts. I am anxious for you, but trust you and your daughter will do the right thing when the time comes

Keep.posting x

[AD2024]

Thank you all so much. Tomorrow is another day. Luckily for my daughter and myself we live across from one another and a small break through has been made as my granddaughter d daughter have been civil with each other. I will be taking my granddaughter to a group meeting on Thursday. She says she won't say anything but she will listen to what people say. It's a step in right direction. She says every night before she goes to sleep she prays she doesn't wake up. She has never said anything like this before and it frightens me. She certainly isn't thinking of her child or us for that matter. She was such a good mum I cannot believe that in such a short time she has got into this state. I know I'm ranting but my daughter has enough to worry about and I don't like talking because I know it upset s her Thanks again for all your comments

[AD2024]

I feel like I am writing a diary. Well today is the 1st day in 6 weeks that my granddaughter has been here on her own. She has been joined at the hip with her partner. She got up at about 9 and went straight over to her mums. Hadnt had a wash or dressed but in her dressing gown. I did what I had to do. I am 78 and my mobility isn't all that good. We are trying to get her to focus on her daughter. My daughter works from home except for tus and Wednesdays. She walked back to my house to get something and I could smell alcohol on her she denied it of course. I went to my daughters and told her and she said yes she went in her fridge and drank some out of an opened bottle she took it off her and poured it down sink. She said she wasn't sure but thought 20 had gone from her purse didn't say anything because she wasn't sure. She came back to mine at approx 6pm when her partner arrived home. Not 15 minutes later I received a phone call from my daughter asking me to ask her if she had had her dad's blood pressure tabs. Denied that of course. She will take anything and everything I wish we could get her sectioned it seems like nothing is moving fast enough. Like I said we are going to a group meeting on Thursday but she will just sit there she won't say anything. I know you have said turn them out but she is so reliant on her partner she just doesn't function that's my rant for today. Here I am unable to sleep and they are sleeping like babies in the room next door