New Member

[JayC]

Hi everyone
Just wanted to introduce myself. My son is a heroin addict with serious mental health issues due to drugs. He started on cannabis when he was about 14 and everything had just been going downhill ever since. He had been in and out of Prision on lots of different offences and currently resides in a bail hostel about 40 mins from me
I also had a step daughter who was an alcoholic and cocaine user who sadly passed away last year just 39.
Myself and her dad did everything we could for her except give her money. The amount of times we would have to break in to her flat to pick her out of her own mess and call the ambulance for her to be in hospital and rehab for months to then come out and go straight back on it. We had hoped her last visit to rehab she had finally started to change and you could really see it. She said she wanted to get better and I believe she really meant it at that time. Unfortunately the addiction was too strong and we lost her a month later.
My son is supposedly on methadone and seeing mental health team etc but he has started asking for money again and I have just had the worst weekend so far as I will not give in anymore.
I have had the lies the threats the feel sorry for me and I have fallen for it all. Mu partner and his brothers have all given up but still support me. However, they don’t really understand how I feel as a mum.
Well to shorten this. (Sorry for rambling) I am in so much debt because of his behaviour I have finally stopped.
I found FA at my lowest point and it gave me so much strength just reading others posts in my situation and I have come to realise I can’t blame him for the 1000 emails ( it’s the only way he can contact me now as I have to block him and he just makes new names etc) in one night begging arguing telling lies. It’s actually my fault for allowing him to take me with him.
I have now told him I am done and I can not and will not financially help him. But that I really do love him and always will. If he is hungry I will order a food delivery etc but no money and if he says no then I have my answer.
So I really just wanted to say thank you to you all for your posts and giving me that final push to do what I have to do. I know it’s going to be hard etc but then I will come here and gain strength
Lots of love and strength to all of you
Sorry for the length first time I have put it in writing and this is a nutshell x

[Butterfly1234]

Hi Jayc,

Sorry to hear about your stepdaughter. So young. Addiction is brutal. It sounds to me like you’re a great mum and you’re doing your very best. I also come here when I feel like I need some strength and to connect with people who understand. Keep posting x

[Concernedmum]

Hi Jayc,
Welcome to the forum. You have been and are still going through such an ordeal. You will find that here is a place to rant and cry, ramble and shout. The amazing members here will put a virtual arm around you and hold you.

I have found a sense of calm here and I read posts and engage with this space weekly. It really has made such a difference.

Keep posting x

[lesleerose]

Dearest jay big hugs and welcome to famanon the finest fellowship in the world with the highest entrance fee ..
I shuddered when I read your post your step daughters life is exactly and I mean exactly as my daughter she is now 40 … I have had her in 7 treatment centres but ever time she comes out she just uses again .. she overdosed intentionally didn’t want to be here it took 3 goes with this electronic pad from the paramedics to bring her back …
I have been waiting for that door to chap with the police it’s beyond words …
All you can do for your son is maybe get to some live famanon meetings or zoom meetings you need that support
This forum has saved my life and my sanity
We are no longer alone … you need to share this stuff so it loses its power you are not ranting please stay with us because you are important
Lesleerose

[dramaqueen]

Welcome Jay

I am sorry to read of all the tragedy in your life. The early death of your stepdaughter must have been heartbreaking.

I am also sorry that you are suffering financial hardship due to supporting your son.

At the end of the day, as parents we just do the best we can with the information and knowledge we have at the time.

We have a welfare system which pays enough to support people like your son. If he has mental health problems he may well qualify for PIP. It is incredible how drug users always find money for drugs even when on basic benefits. They choose drugs over food / paying their rent etc. This is a choice. The reality is that, even if you just pay for food for your son, this only leaves more money for drugs. But I know it is hard and no mother wants to see her child go hungry.

You have done as much as you can. Time to get support for yourself. I find it really helpful to call the FA helpline and meetings are helpful too - many are available online.

You are in the right place. We all understand your pain and confusion. However your life matters too and it is important you start self care and self protection.

With love in fellowship.

DQ

[Poetry]

Hello JayC. A big welcome from me, and as one of the others has said, there are now many virtual arms around you, and on here you will be understood and supported.

You have been through a shocking ordeal, as, in our different ways, we all have, and now is the time to tell yourself that there is an end in view. Of course the hurt never fully heals, and we have to live with what our addicts have done, but we can choose better lives for ourselves than the ones we spent in thrall to their addictions. P. X

[JayC]

Thank you all for your kind words x

[LM66]

Hi Jay

My son is also addicted to heroin, and has ran the gauntlet MANY times of prison and homeless accommodation. On release, he's right back to drug use. He too has severe mental health issues.
We do reach the point where we have to step back for our own health, so, in my opinion,you are doing exactly what you have to do, hard though it is.
Until our sons want to stop the drug use, they will continue to pursue the path to crazytown. Like you,I stepped off the bus, and have limited contact with my son. He has no interest in stopping the drug use - he loves it more than life - his words.
All we can do is protect ourselves, or they drag us down with them. We've all experienced that,when we've been in "help mode". We try to reduce our own anxieties by helping them. Daily crisis is completely unmanageable, and will send us round the bend!
You are doing the right thing Jay .
Much Love
L x

[Exhausted!!]

Dear Jay

I am so sorry to hear about your step daughter and then to also hear about your son.

Our son's sound similar, our stories the same. Getting money off me, even though I've no partner, live off one salary, is irrelevant to him.

I've the police non stop involved, call every time he comes to my door, which is virtually daily past 2.5 weeks, as it has to stop. We all love our kids, addiction or not BUT they don't love themselves, never mind us, when in addiction. Due to his mental health, being made 10 times worse with addiction, if he was sectioned, got the professional help he needed, I would be over the moon with that outcome for my son.

As everyone on this site says, we have to step back, take back control of our own lives, otherwise we get destroyed also. Financially we've all taken a massive hit but we can't turn back the clock.

Stay strong: we all know and understand how hard it is to let go of our kids due to addiction but at least with FAMN, we have a outlet, an understanding of each other.

XXXX

[JayC]

Thank you again
It’s so helpful to hear from other mums as it’s so hard to explain the maternal hold has.
For me every time he contacts me it always starts of positive but I find myself holding my breath and waiting for that days excuse for needing money. He also seems to think that telling me his ‘sad’ stories ie wont be able to talk after midnight as won’t have data is not him asking for money.
My biggest problem is me. I keep saying I am done but then find myself checking my emails. I think I am checking in hope that he has finally got the message and not contacted me but I am always let down. When he tells me he’s in pain homeless cold wet or whateva I now realise I am not visualising a 29 year old addict but my young beautiful boy xx

[lesleerose]

Ohhhh dearest jay
We have all been there with this situation
You are no longer talking to your son your talking to the drugs
You can’t save him only he can do that by seeking help
If you give your boy money you are enabling him to remain addicted so not the way to go …
I had to eventually block and delete my beautiful daughter I could no longer live in her world than she could live in mine
It’s time to let go and get to some live or some zoom meetings give admin a call for some literature these beautiful people give of themselves freely … they are in exactly the same position as us and they want to help
Please keep posting
Yours in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[Sheringham74]

Hello there
I’ve just found this forum and have been reading through many of the posts regarding drug addiction. The thing is, we don’t actually know for sure what is going on with my 43 year old son, but we suspect cocaine addiction. He swears he is not addicted of course but absolutely all his behaviour points to it.
Three years ago he tried to commit suicide during a marriage break up. He has two girls who he absolutely adores - they’re his whole life. We brought him home to us as his then wife would not have him back from hospital and they’re now divorced. He stayed with us for a whole year, had counselling for 3 months and seem to recover himself but the reason his marriage failed was that he was not paying the bills because of a cocaine addiction.
After a year he went back to where he used to live, found a flat, was able to hold down his old job but in a more junior role. Almost immediately he started not having enough money to last to payday - so asking for ‘help’ as he put it.
Over the last 18 months he has kept this up, always with an amazing g story of why he urgently needs the money, and he has completely stressed me out. I have tried absolutely everything to help him, but know the situation is really dire. He list his job last August and pretended he had another one, was begging for money until payday etc etc. Long and very involved stories about why he needed money. This December we find out he is 6 months behind with child maintenance and he’s being evicted from his flat for non payment of rent for 7 months.
So we have sent him links for and told him to get help from the CAB, his solicitor and to go to the GP for help with his mental and physical health.
He’s been asking for £50, £40, £60 and similar for his phone, electricity bill, food. I’ve helped him with money for interviews repeatedly. He just pleads and pleads. I’ve had to block him now from WhatsApp as I cannot tolerate his daily emergency situations. We have thought of gambling, drinking but we think he’s using cocaine again. Shortly he will have nowhere to live. We keep advising and helping to support him but we’ve just said no more money. The latest story is that he says he’s had a TIA! We straight away offered him to come down and stay with us, I would go with him for a hospital test (which he said was now cancelled) and all he wanted was money. Because the hospital said he must have no stress, 3 meals a day etc etc.
Sorry this has become such a long saga!!! Apologies. We think he’s addicted as his behaviour is just not right. He has a mental health problem. I’m 76 now and I just cannot cope with the stress he’s putting me under. This week again, ‘I will lose my job if you don’t give me £50 for phone data by 9am’!!! Emotional blackmail. We don’t believe he’s had a stroke we belies addicted but now I have to step away from him as I cannot continue with thus drama any longer.
It’s just so hard not being able to fix him - everything I suggest doesn’t seem to work! I’m

[lesleerose]

Dearest sheringham firstly a big welcome to famanon and hugs
No need for apologies here on famanon not a saga but your life and it’s relentless it’s evil it’s horrific… I come on here for my addict daughter like you I gave her money frequently and those big long pointless stories to extract money for drugs alcohol whatever … like yourself I tried everything to fix her and I was convinced I could … but I couldn’t only she can do that . I have watched my beautiful girl … could have been a model … decline into hell with drugs … my addict daughter is now 40 started using when she was in her teens …. I came to famanon broken nearly destroyed with it all it affected every part of my life ..
I would get so sad at mothers meeting up with their daughters for lunch coffee .. but sadly the truth was my addict daughter
Would have stepped over my dead body for her drugs ..
That hit me hard and I let her go after 7 or 8 treatment centres she would come out and immediately start to use again .it was heartbreaking destroyed the small family I had … so I sit alone at age 66 but I am at peace because of the beautiful people on here they lifted me and loved me back to life ….
You can’t fix your son only he can do that
Please don’t enable him any longer no more money … for anything… you know addicts are liars they lie about everything it’s part of addiction…. NA CA or AA seem to have the highest success rate they all work the same program of recovery.. I myself am in recovery with Alcoholics Anonymous 25 years now so it can be done but you have to want it more than anything else in this world …..
Please contact the famanon office for some literature ..they are all exactly the same as us and they give of themselves freely …
Don’t let him move in again …you have to take care of yourself now .. your son knows what he has to do to get the help he needs
You can’t save him
Please keep posting
Yours in famanon fellowship the finest fellowship in the world with the highest entrance fee
Lesleerose

[dramaqueen]

Hi Sheringham

Welcome to the forum, you are in the right place.

I agree with everything LesleeRose has said - stop sending money to your son and don’t let him move in with you again.

You say his two daughters are his “whole life” but his primary relationship is actually with his drug of choice and he has put that over the payment of child maintenance. He is on a hiding to nowhere but he will not hit his rock bottom for so long as he is cushioned by financial and other support.

His behaviour is an abject neglect of his responsibilities as a father. The drugs are coming first and he is not considering the impact of his behaviour on either his daughters or his parents.

At 76, you deserve peace of mind. Keep posting and keep reading back posts - hopefully you will recognise your own story in the many posted on here.

Stay strong - it’s the best thing you can do for yourself, your son and your granddaughters.

DQ

[Sheringham74]

Thank you so much DQ and LesleeRose for your replies. I think our main problem is we are not 100 per sure he is actually on drugs, as he completely denies it, despite all the evidence to the contrary. He continually asks for small amounts of £40 or £60 but also gives a different reason. So a trip to a client in London, his phone data, some bill (usually gas or electricity and he’s been cut off)! So he’s always apologetic and everything will be ok on payday etc. But his recent attempts at saying he’s ill and has had a minor stroke are very low and unforgivable.
I’ve repeatedly sent him information of how to recover from debt, how to sign on, to speak to his solicitor and possibly go bankrupt but he never seems to action any of it and move forward.
I am also desperately concerned about his daughters, the youngest of which he takes to school in the morning. Their Mother is a teacher and has to be at her school early. Unfortunately we have never had a close relationship with her as she’s a hard nut, despite offering her our family warmth. Because of her feelings for my son, she has blocked me and despite writing to her a few months back kindly, we’ve had no contact. Luckily I am in contact with my granddaughter who is 11. We would like to see the girls more but that’s not easy to arrange without involving my son. I’m on a second marriage so my husband does not have the very close fatherly feelings for my son in lots of ways. This makes things even more difficult for me.
Thank you for your help with this horrible ongoing drama. At the moment I cannot see a way out of it. I just have to leave my son to it. It’s so hard!