Help focusing on ways forward

[myfamily]

Hi Everyone,
So i am trying to find ways i can put boundaries in place and move forward focusing on myself. He is now staying at his mums. He has not contacted me or the children. He is trying to get better and i am trying to focus on me and my children. I am preparing myself for the next message asking me if i am ok. This always sets me back and seems to shift the focus back to him. I would block him but it is my daughter’s birthday next month and he wont miss it. Also, he has said and taken steps to work on himself and i don’t want to feel responsible for his set back. But my friends always say what about me?! This is the part i am struggling with. Does anyone have any tips that help them focus on themself?
Thank you for all your help and support.

[LM66]

MF
Nothing that you do, or don't do, will cause him to relapse - that is 100% on him. We're not that powerful!
Concentrate on you and the children. Keep in your mind the shitty things hr has done or said to you. Write them down, and each time you feel a wobble - read that list.
You will get stronger as time goes on, so, give time, time.
Do anything that changes your focus from him. Bake cakes, clean the bathroom, do a jigsaw - absolutely anything. Even if you have to force yourself.
When he asks if you're ok - yes thanks for asking, I'm fabulous!!! Fake it til you make it!

Much Love
L x

[myfamily]

Thank you LM66, i will try and write things down. There has been so much bad amongst the good times. I am trying to not let him back in. He brings so much chaos with him when he comes. My life has been a bit of a rollercoaster over the past few years. I don’t think i have it in me to go through it again. I don’t have a big support network. When we got together he wanted to do a lot of things just us. He became friends with my friends and when i became a mum he would continue to go out with them without me. Now i feel quite isolated. I will try and find things to do in the area. I’ve been embarrassed about how my life has turned out. I feel like lots of people have supportive partners and then theres me. I have spent so long making excuses for why he was not around. Ive isolated myself and i am trying to move forward.

[CherryB]

Hi,
You are amazing to get to where you are! I’m in a similar situation and it’s taken me years to say no more. I’m having to stay very strong at the moment and it isn’t easy.
I found writing a journal has really helped me to offload and reflect. I use a hardback book from The Works and it has really helped me. Reading back on it helps me refocus when I feel less strong. I have written in a lot of them and they have been part of my journey, when I am alone and just trying to navigate through it all.

I can see the same continuous pattern and behaviours and this has helped me with boundaries which have taken me a long time to enforce and stick too. I wrote down what my boundaries were and practiced saying them before I told him which helped! You are allowed to set boundaries and will get stronger with them. Keep protecting yourself and your health and wellbeing.

He is focusing on his recovery, and you need to focus on yours. You are not responsible for him and you need to prioritise yourself.
You have been really strong to get this far. It isn’t your fault and you deserve better. You really do.

I’m sorry you feel so isolated and hope you find ways to work towards overcoming that.

Please remember you are not alone x

[lesleerose]

Hi my family
Let him miss the wee one’s birthday because if he goes to meeting and gets well he will be able to go to the rest of the wee ones birthdays
Your friend is 100% correct this forum is for you
He has been manipulating you for some time .
Tell him you don’t want to hear from him until he does 90 meetings in 90 days either NA or CA … you can tell the wee one daddy has to work just now
Get rid of the wishbone and get a backbone he has no right to see his children if he is using
Your husband has a choice to make his drugs or his family and you really don’t want to go down that road to hell with him along with your child … make no mistake drugs will take everything from you including the bed you lie on
Living with an addict is a ticking bomb progressive in nature ..
Look to last year and you will see it is a lot worse
Please keep posting educate yourself on addiction admin will send you some literature they are in exactly the same place as all of us have a loved one in active addiction .. they give of themselves freely to help others …
Yours in famanon fellowship nothing changes if nothing changes …
Lesleerose

[myfamily]

Hi Lesleerose,

How do I get literature on addiction from admin? I am finding myself worrying about him and reaching out only to be ignored. I need to not care but finding it extremely difficult. Even thou he is not capable of caring about me or his children.

[LM66]

MF

If you go to the main page, and from the drop down menu choose literature. The free download called tough love, is particularly good.
We can't just turn our emotions off like a tap, but it takes work to keep putting our addict on the back foot. He will be just fine, trust me. You're the one worrying about him, which is using up your emotional energy. Shoo him right out of your head when he pops into it.
Much Love
L x

[myfamily]

Thank you. I have just ordered the tough love. I will give it a go. I will try anything. I feel like he has done so much wrong and he still has me where he wants me. I was never like this as a person. I used to be confident.

[lesleerose]

There is also a book “ co dependant no more by melody Beattie “
It’s very good you can get it online
Lesleerose

[ANAID777]

Co Dependents No more is really helping me .. I am listening to the audio and gaining much insight , thank you Lesleerose for signposting. Am also listening to Don’t let your kids kill you .. Charles Rubin.. while more geared to parents .. ultimately a guide to ensuring you care for yourself .. both audios giving me much strength .. we must find support for ourselves .. we must make ourselves our priority.. this I now know and accept

Best wishes AnAid xx

[myfamily]

Thank you, i have added it to my audible to listen to. I have accepted so many things i would not normally accept. I have made excuses for behaviours because he has led me to believe he is depressed. Once he lost his job I got stronger and started to stand up for myself more. I began taking steps to become more reliant on myself. This just gave him more opportunities to be away and stop being a parent and partner.

[LM66]

This self-reliance will serve you well MF. You will rediscover your confidence and forge a path forwards.
You are stronger than you think - how true thìs is.
Much Love
L x

[Poetry]

A belated hello Myfamily. You sound as if you are doing all of the right things, and are grateful for the advice given on here. I can reassure you that you have found the right place, and that you will get a lot of excellent advice and fellowship on here, as you've already found out.

Nothing that you do or say will be responsible for making an addict relapse. That is entirely on them. There are no exceptions. P.

[myfamily]

Thank you everyone for your continued support!! I am listening to codependent no more and i can relate to a lot of things in the book. I am also keeping a diary.
I had a good day yesterday and i am looking at different ways i can respond to situations so i can remain true to myself.
Yesterday his mum called me because he asked her to tell me his job as a contractor is due to come to an end in a few weeks. I just said things happen and he will be able to find a new job. I turned the conversation to my children and took the focus off him. I haven’t blocked him and he decided to not answer my last message asking him if he was ok…( i sent this about 3 days ago). He hasn’t spoke to his kids in 2 weeks. I am not going to encourage him to either. Now i am going to be financially worse off but a part of me feels like i am being manipulated again. Why not wait and tell me himself.

[lesleerose]

Hi MF
He is playing mind games this one is called ghosting .. they know by doing this it will cause you frustration …
Brilliantly done changing the conversation to the children regarding his mother .
Always remember addicts are master liars and manipulators… I have been going through hell these last 4 and a bit years and now I am being forced to take drastic action .. I take absolutely no pleasure from this although if it were the other way around he would take great pleasure ( he has done this before ) … we unfortunately are left to pick up the pieces of our children’s lives.. we are doing the right thing MF we are protecting our children
Yours in famanon fellowship you are doing brilliantly stay strong
Lesleerosd