Is anyone able to offer advice?
Should I provide the £1500 odd that my sister needs for a deposit & first months rent on a room, to prevent her being on the streets? (UC/housing benefit covers the rent going forward)
She is being evicted from current tenancy, for harassing neighbours for money.
She is my 50 yo younger sister - long term alcoholic & crack user - and has been scrounging money off family or anyone really, for years - £20 here £30 there. We are totally fed up of it.
However do not want her to be on the streets.
I can afford to pay it, that's not the point, but did exactly this a year ago for the place she's being evicted from - paid her deposit & first months rent!
Obviously I don't want to see her on the streets.
Any advice or thoughts welcome
Supporting financially
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lesleerose
- Posts: 1294
- Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm
Re: Supporting financially
Dearest autumn
Welcome …. There is a saying “ look at the record “
No I wouldn’t pay it because exactly the same thing will happen again and it will get worse …what’s the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result …
You are enabling your sister by bailing her out ..
Your sister has to be accountable for her actions…
I come on here for my daughter who has been in active addiction for many years … deposits for flats , mobile phones so many I can’t remember, clothing , trainers , food then 7 or 8 treatment centres some I paid for some the local council paid for and it didn’t make one bit of difference…
I know what you mean when you say you can afford it .. I fell for that one too my dear sister passed away and left me some money and I felt guilty because I had the money to put her into yet another rehab yes you guessed she walked out …
I let her go over 2 years ago this forum has saved my sanity and my life ….it’s not your responsibility … time to let go ….
Only your sister can help herself by seeking help ..addicts don’t go homeless they sofa surf or go into hostels … there are food banks … if she didn’t use drugs she would have plenty to eat though most of the addicts don’t want food all they want is their drugs … I know my daughter would walk over my dead body for drugs
If you can get to some live or zoom fam anon meetings there you will meet like minded ppl … also contact admin who give of themselves freely ..they are in exactly the same position as you ..
Nothing changes if nothing changes
Don’t throw good money after bad and don’t allow yourself to be manipulated any longer …
It’s your sisters choice does she want to live or die ..
You are totally powerless over anything your sister does
Don’t become an enabler
Please keep posting
Yours in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose
Welcome …. There is a saying “ look at the record “
No I wouldn’t pay it because exactly the same thing will happen again and it will get worse …what’s the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result …
You are enabling your sister by bailing her out ..
Your sister has to be accountable for her actions…
I come on here for my daughter who has been in active addiction for many years … deposits for flats , mobile phones so many I can’t remember, clothing , trainers , food then 7 or 8 treatment centres some I paid for some the local council paid for and it didn’t make one bit of difference…
I know what you mean when you say you can afford it .. I fell for that one too my dear sister passed away and left me some money and I felt guilty because I had the money to put her into yet another rehab yes you guessed she walked out …
I let her go over 2 years ago this forum has saved my sanity and my life ….it’s not your responsibility … time to let go ….
Only your sister can help herself by seeking help ..addicts don’t go homeless they sofa surf or go into hostels … there are food banks … if she didn’t use drugs she would have plenty to eat though most of the addicts don’t want food all they want is their drugs … I know my daughter would walk over my dead body for drugs
If you can get to some live or zoom fam anon meetings there you will meet like minded ppl … also contact admin who give of themselves freely ..they are in exactly the same position as you ..
Nothing changes if nothing changes
Don’t throw good money after bad and don’t allow yourself to be manipulated any longer …
It’s your sisters choice does she want to live or die ..
You are totally powerless over anything your sister does
Don’t become an enabler
Please keep posting
Yours in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose
Re: Supporting financially
Thank you I really appreciate your reply & advice..
Sister has been alcoholic/drugs for years, so we the family 'know' the facts, but it's still hard.
All complicated due to her mental health issues for which there is little or ineffective support provided these days.
I suppose I knew what the response would be on here, as of course it would be considered enabling to want to prevent her being made homeless..
She has been homeless before & was sleeping outside for weeks, said she felt vulnerable in hostels, mostly men there. Physically, sexually abused on streets & in hostel.
She has been through anything & everything possible..
Doesn't have friends to 'sofa surf'.
When released from prison 2 yrs ago (for compulsive persistent calls to emergency services on & off over many years - no one knew how to deal with her MH so she eventually got a prison sentence), the council provided emergency accommodation but it was a drug den from which she wanted to get away from.
A year ago, to my absolute dismay, council almost moved her to my area but I told them she doesn't have any 'meaningful connection' to me, and I would not be able to support her, also the idea of her being in same town as my daughter was horrifying.
So, I paid her deposit & first months rent to encourage her to stay in 'her area' (2 hrs drive from me) where she settled & got a zero hrs contract job.
Until now, when she's being evicted for asking neighbours for money.
I know I shouldnt 'bail her out' by wanting to keep her off the streets, where she's been before, but i do believe an addict has a much better chance of recovery if they have somewhere stable & safe to live.
Sister has been alcoholic/drugs for years, so we the family 'know' the facts, but it's still hard.
All complicated due to her mental health issues for which there is little or ineffective support provided these days.
I suppose I knew what the response would be on here, as of course it would be considered enabling to want to prevent her being made homeless..
She has been homeless before & was sleeping outside for weeks, said she felt vulnerable in hostels, mostly men there. Physically, sexually abused on streets & in hostel.
She has been through anything & everything possible..
Doesn't have friends to 'sofa surf'.
When released from prison 2 yrs ago (for compulsive persistent calls to emergency services on & off over many years - no one knew how to deal with her MH so she eventually got a prison sentence), the council provided emergency accommodation but it was a drug den from which she wanted to get away from.
A year ago, to my absolute dismay, council almost moved her to my area but I told them she doesn't have any 'meaningful connection' to me, and I would not be able to support her, also the idea of her being in same town as my daughter was horrifying.
So, I paid her deposit & first months rent to encourage her to stay in 'her area' (2 hrs drive from me) where she settled & got a zero hrs contract job.
Until now, when she's being evicted for asking neighbours for money.
I know I shouldnt 'bail her out' by wanting to keep her off the streets, where she's been before, but i do believe an addict has a much better chance of recovery if they have somewhere stable & safe to live.
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lesleerose
- Posts: 1294
- Joined: Tue May 05, 2020 5:38 pm
Re: Supporting financially
Dearest autumn
I myself am in recovery 25 years now and yes it’s been tough even just now I am still going through what ppl call life .. it is hard for me and any other addicts … if you pay for another deposit then the same thing will happen… it’s only when I lost my children and my home I got the help I desperately needed ..
Can you get your sister into a treatment centre a lot of them are paid for by the local authority… your sister would have to be detoxed to show willingness of recovery the local CAT team do that …
If your sister doesn’t want to stop ( same as my daughter now 40 ) then there isn’t anything you can do she has to want to stop ..
Here on fam-anon I was shown how to let go … all addicts are very manipulative she doesn’t like this she doesn’t like that … well your sister is choosing to use … the secret is not to lift the first one because after that the addict alcoholic cannot stop .. can you get to some live or zoom meetings if famanon or alanon both are much the same .. your sister needs to go to NA or CA AA is another option but unless she wants to help herself then there is nothing you can do … your sister has to reach her own rock bottom by enabling her you are not helping
Please contact admin as I said I was dying inside before I found famanon … I haven’t seen my daughter for over 2 years now and I am at peace … you have to let go with love you have done everything you can and it’s not your fault
.. please don’t pay for another deposit because you no in your heart you are only prolonging what is going to happen …. It’s the road to hell your poor sister and my daughter are on but we don’t have to go with them ..there are no winners with addiction we must take care of number one …when on a sinking ship you always put your own life jacket first …. Educate yourself on addiction learn what your dealing with go to the above meetings and call admin who will send you some literature or you can buy it on this forum
Please keep posting others will come on to help you we all help each other that’s how it works
Yours in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose
I myself am in recovery 25 years now and yes it’s been tough even just now I am still going through what ppl call life .. it is hard for me and any other addicts … if you pay for another deposit then the same thing will happen… it’s only when I lost my children and my home I got the help I desperately needed ..
Can you get your sister into a treatment centre a lot of them are paid for by the local authority… your sister would have to be detoxed to show willingness of recovery the local CAT team do that …
If your sister doesn’t want to stop ( same as my daughter now 40 ) then there isn’t anything you can do she has to want to stop ..
Here on fam-anon I was shown how to let go … all addicts are very manipulative she doesn’t like this she doesn’t like that … well your sister is choosing to use … the secret is not to lift the first one because after that the addict alcoholic cannot stop .. can you get to some live or zoom meetings if famanon or alanon both are much the same .. your sister needs to go to NA or CA AA is another option but unless she wants to help herself then there is nothing you can do … your sister has to reach her own rock bottom by enabling her you are not helping
Please contact admin as I said I was dying inside before I found famanon … I haven’t seen my daughter for over 2 years now and I am at peace … you have to let go with love you have done everything you can and it’s not your fault
.. please don’t pay for another deposit because you no in your heart you are only prolonging what is going to happen …. It’s the road to hell your poor sister and my daughter are on but we don’t have to go with them ..there are no winners with addiction we must take care of number one …when on a sinking ship you always put your own life jacket first …. Educate yourself on addiction learn what your dealing with go to the above meetings and call admin who will send you some literature or you can buy it on this forum
Please keep posting others will come on to help you we all help each other that’s how it works
Yours in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose
Re: Supporting financially
Hi Autumn
I think it boils down to, do you want to do it? If you do, then do it without any expectations of her. Will she repeat her behaviours? It's highly likely.
Or, as Lesleerose suggests, you can leave her to her own devices.
It's difficult to know what to do for the best, so for me, I do what I feel is the right thing for me, at any given time. We have to be able to live wirh our decisions. If knowing she won't be homeless and on the streets, is what you need to do, then do it.
And if it keeps her away from you, even better! I have to admit, it's something I would be tempted to do, to keep a distance.
Much Love
L x
I think it boils down to, do you want to do it? If you do, then do it without any expectations of her. Will she repeat her behaviours? It's highly likely.
Or, as Lesleerose suggests, you can leave her to her own devices.
It's difficult to know what to do for the best, so for me, I do what I feel is the right thing for me, at any given time. We have to be able to live wirh our decisions. If knowing she won't be homeless and on the streets, is what you need to do, then do it.
And if it keeps her away from you, even better! I have to admit, it's something I would be tempted to do, to keep a distance.
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Re: Supporting financially
Dear Autumn,
I am reading this having just posted, I in no way wished to be insensitive to your very real dilemma..
I have no answers but wonder where adult services are in this as in mental health , and she is now an aging vulnerable adult ( while not old ) she is not young either. I do realise services are stretched to breaking point , but there clearly seems to be a duty here. Is this not something you can continue to pursue .. enlist Mind? .. an advocate etc ? Drug and alcohol services in her area ?
As you know our enabling gets us nowhere, however as has been said ,you have do what you feel you can live with , if not comprising your own financial situation. The only thing is if what has also been said , and is likely from what you have said , your sister simply throws your well intentioned support away ? How many more times can you bail her out ?
I really hope you can find some statutory support and of course support for yourself
My best wishes Anaid x
I am reading this having just posted, I in no way wished to be insensitive to your very real dilemma..
I have no answers but wonder where adult services are in this as in mental health , and she is now an aging vulnerable adult ( while not old ) she is not young either. I do realise services are stretched to breaking point , but there clearly seems to be a duty here. Is this not something you can continue to pursue .. enlist Mind? .. an advocate etc ? Drug and alcohol services in her area ?
As you know our enabling gets us nowhere, however as has been said ,you have do what you feel you can live with , if not comprising your own financial situation. The only thing is if what has also been said , and is likely from what you have said , your sister simply throws your well intentioned support away ? How many more times can you bail her out ?
I really hope you can find some statutory support and of course support for yourself
My best wishes Anaid x
Re: Supporting financially
Dear Autumn
The longer I've been dealing with my families issues the more I've come to realise that in addiction there is no 'one size fits all'. Mental health issues which may have been there before, or happened due to the addiction, life choices, everyone's situation is different. I understand why you want to help your sister, a year ago I might have said no it's enabling but the longer I'm involved the more I'm realising a lot of help for MH issues isn't available, appointments months or over a year away in some areas. Many addicts are vulnerable and sometimes the help just isn't there and the damage too far gone. It's peace of mind for you to a certain extent if you know your sister has her own home and is not too near you.
My own sister has been in recovery for 20 years. My brother is an addict, the last five years have been very hard as due to his addiction he lost jobs, his home, got a dui so lost his license and then had to move in with our elderly mother as she wouldn't see him homeless. I wouldn't wish addiction on any family.
Thinking of you, hugs x
The longer I've been dealing with my families issues the more I've come to realise that in addiction there is no 'one size fits all'. Mental health issues which may have been there before, or happened due to the addiction, life choices, everyone's situation is different. I understand why you want to help your sister, a year ago I might have said no it's enabling but the longer I'm involved the more I'm realising a lot of help for MH issues isn't available, appointments months or over a year away in some areas. Many addicts are vulnerable and sometimes the help just isn't there and the damage too far gone. It's peace of mind for you to a certain extent if you know your sister has her own home and is not too near you.
My own sister has been in recovery for 20 years. My brother is an addict, the last five years have been very hard as due to his addiction he lost jobs, his home, got a dui so lost his license and then had to move in with our elderly mother as she wouldn't see him homeless. I wouldn't wish addiction on any family.
Thinking of you, hugs x
Re: Supporting financially
Hi
Just read your post and no I wouldn’t pay anything to help your sister.
However, I can tell you that if she is homeless the homeless council will help her by putting her in a room etc
This has happened to my son
Hope this helps
Just read your post and no I wouldn’t pay anything to help your sister.
However, I can tell you that if she is homeless the homeless council will help her by putting her in a room etc
This has happened to my son
Hope this helps
Re: Supporting financially
I don't know where your sister lives, but depending on the local authority, and what is available, your sister could be offered temp accommodation. Unfortunately, this could be a hostel, which she has left previously. It really comes down to availability.
Much Love
L x
Much Love
L x
"You can choose to continually live in the shadow of your addict, allowing his/her chaos and drama to dictate your whole existence, or you can take control of your life."
Re: Supporting financially
Hello and welcome!
I'm not able to offer any advice about how your sister might be housed, or whom to apply to, but the others have given you some ideas.
In your situation, I would not be forwarding any money to get her housed. Where does it stop? To what extent would you be able to continue that financial commitment, and do you not have other commitments , financially?
It's not the answer. Your sister sounds very seriously ill, with her mental health problems, to which she has added the hell of addiction. I do understand that there are valid debates around whether or not serious mental health problems and an addiction which has progressed means that the person is no longer able to make choices, but my instinct is that there is probably always the ability to make a choice, available somewhere to the person. I know that others disagree with me.
If there is a choice to recover, than your sister is not making it, and if that choice has been taken away from her, because she has no human will left, then you are going to be bailing her out forever.P.
I'm not able to offer any advice about how your sister might be housed, or whom to apply to, but the others have given you some ideas.
In your situation, I would not be forwarding any money to get her housed. Where does it stop? To what extent would you be able to continue that financial commitment, and do you not have other commitments , financially?
It's not the answer. Your sister sounds very seriously ill, with her mental health problems, to which she has added the hell of addiction. I do understand that there are valid debates around whether or not serious mental health problems and an addiction which has progressed means that the person is no longer able to make choices, but my instinct is that there is probably always the ability to make a choice, available somewhere to the person. I know that others disagree with me.
If there is a choice to recover, than your sister is not making it, and if that choice has been taken away from her, because she has no human will left, then you are going to be bailing her out forever.P.