The glimmer of hope .. sadly remains a faltering glimmer

[ANAID777]

Good evening dear friends

Sadly after what I thought was a glimmer of hope, my son has decided.. the day before he was due to go to the 17 month Teen Challenge program that it is not for him .. says he doesn’t believe in it , as in God .. he thinks he has a better plan .. sober house, meetings( higher power God ?) and a job.. all been tried and failed, I know he is kidding himself , he doesn’t …all my other family members, husband (we barely talking) , daughter..have had enough , I can’t really express anymore to them how devastated I amso I will say here … thank you … I have to start a new job tomorrow.. put on a brave face when I feel so sad, for him and for his son.. I will keep on..trying my best to focus on my wellbeing as this has to be the priority.. I know this , and will keep praying for strength and guidance .. thank you for reading I wish you all love, peace and strength for the week ahead and beyond

[lesleerose]

Dearest Anaid
Your son is simply not ready to stop he isn’t hurting enough … I have been where you are …
Do you know the serenity prayer and the chapter on acceptance… you will find these online in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous… I attend AA meetings I come on here because of my addict daughter and the carnage addiction brings
It’s important you keep your family together during this time
Please keep posting by sharing you lighten the load
The sad fact for most of us is that “ just for today “ our children choose drugs over their children siblings mother’s fathers it is a very powerful thing addiction …
You may find this hard I know I did ….If you can delete and block your son because anything you here isn’t going to be pleasant
Yours in famanon fellowship stay strong ..
Hugs lesleerose

[ANAID777]

Dear Lesleerose,

Thank you so much for caring, I will keep on praying and focus on my new start .. big day today I still have work to finish old post so plenty to do..I will not block my son, he has never been abusive to me, his pain is internalised to himself and in his shame. If he was I would …. Of course his addiction causes me pain and as you say I must focus on acceptance and my well being to my best ability and I will .. but as his mother ..I will not turn my back on him .. I will for sure not enable him as I have in the past and I am looking at the the literature, I read the Open Letter and will have a Quick Look at some other bits before I get ready for work ..one day at a time … best wishes and a hug right back

[myfamily]

Hi Anaid777,
All we can do is hope that maybe one day they will be better for themselves and live a happy life. I wish you all the best in your new job tomorrow. It is the small steps that keep us going.
Everyone here is so supportive and it really helps to talk about it all.

[Poetry]

Anaid, concentrate on your new job, see it as a wonderful opportunity for yourself, and remember that you have secured this parallel move, or promotion or whatever it is, through being a good worker, and remember that you need always to prioritise that.

I understand what you say about not being willing to block your son because he is not personally abusive to you. I think probably the majority of us on here have suffered horrific abuse from our addicts, and so blocking them or having nothing to do with them is what is called a brainer. However, I would like to warn you about the insidious damage which someone who chooses addiction does to a family.

In my view, it is somewhat abusive being given a chance, and to know in your heart of hearts that your family is willing you to take that chance, because they love you, and then turning that chance down.

I hear the mother love in what you say about your son, because I too am a mother who has "lost" a son to addiction, but don't lose sight of the fact that when you talk about his pain which is internalised, he has a choice to come through that pain, and he is not taking it. P

[LM66]

Anaid,

It is so important that you protect your family relationships and your own health and well-being. We have all experienced the hurt and sadness you are feeling - it's awful. It's hard to step back, but the reality is, your son will drag you into the hole with him if you don't, without you even realising it's happening.
Your husband and daughter are witnessing you being consumed by your sons addiction - they see you trying to "fix him" and they are aware of your devastation, that's why they have had enough.
Addiction is so destructive to everyone.

I hope all went well with the new job.
Much Love
L x

[dramaqueen]

Anaid

Best of luck in the new job. As it happens, I am starting a new job on Monday. In Germany! Only for 12 months but I am very excited by the move (though have been in total fear in the months leading up to it). I would not be doing this without the support of FA.

As there has been talk of acceptance, I thought I would share the extract from the AA big book:

Acceptance

“Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober: unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes”.

As for your son, perhaps he also just wants to try things for himself? That’s what my youngest son (my addict) always says to me. He is mostly sober now but I see him wanting to walk his own path and I get that - as painful as it is, we have to let our kids make their own mistakes (and hopefully eventually learn from them). The only way they can learn from them is if they face the consequences of their choices. But that part you have already learned - not to enable. All you can do now is set loving boundaries and focus on your own life which you clearly are as you are starting a new job.

Best wishes

DQ

[LM66]

Hi DQ

Wow! Go you! I'm sure the new job, new country will be a great experience!
Wishing you all the very best of luck!

Much Love
L x

[Poetry]

Well done DQ! Keep us posted as to how it's going. Much love. P.

[dramaqueen]

Thank you LM and Poetry!

I am 55 years old, have been through a very painful and protracted divorce and a single mum for 7 years, over which time I have had to contend with my son’s drug addiction and also my own mental health struggles. I am so very lucky to have been selected for this opportunity and that my children support me in this too.

Don’t get me wrong - it has filled me with fear, at times paralysing. But I know I will be ok - 12 step fellowships mean I am never on my own and this evening I attended my first ever German speaking 12 step meeting in person!

Best wishes

DQ

[lesleerose]

Well done DQ
Amazing i am 65 been sober 25 years single parent two grandkids
One addict daughter an addict other daughter narcissistic tendencies like you brought them up alone had cancer …
You go girl we’re not alone I to have had my mental health problems
Yes the 12 step program has brought me this far the power of good works through ppl for me
Bless you in Famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[Tired]

Good luck DQ

You have been supportive to me on this forum over the tears.

[ANAID777]

Thank you dear friends,

I hear you and I am doing my best to focus on myself and my family (husband, daughter .. grandson ). I am absolutely taking a step back, and for sure acceptance is key. It takes time I guess , but in the end the only way. The new post is ok.. a move in the right direction but perhaps not where I will settle .. have plans for the future which I have been working on for some time and have been held back due to my son’s difficulties.. However I am getting stronger and also back on track .. day by day.. week by week .

Good luck DQ with your new work/move sounds amazing … big love and hugs to all , I appreciate your support always xxx