Help letting go..

[Tattylashes]

Hi, I’m new here but been reading some of the recent posts over the last week..
I’m sorry if this is a long post in advance!

I’m brought here from my partner of the last 8 years becoming an addict. First came to my knowledge early last year when I was wanting to plan and book things as a family (we have an almost 3 year old daughter) and he kept putting off due to money. I got to a point where I asked him to show me his banking so I could work out what was happening, and that’s where the mountains of betting deposits were found. In the 2 years leading up to that point he had gambled over 30K.
At the time I didn’t know about enabling and regrettably got a loan to help him out of some debt (he’d taken lots of small loans over the years) set up Gamstop to block from the betting apps and he attended cognitive therapy for the addiction, which he said helped and he didn’t have the urge to do it anymore.
Fast forward a few months my dad passed away battling from cancer, which was awful, my partner then started having ‘benders’ disappearing for days then coming back saying he has a problem and needs help. Tried to cut out alcohol and failed many times but cut it down a lot, things would calm down for around 4 months then something else would hit and he’d go and blow £500 on a night out mostly after his friends went home he’d carry on by himself.

What’s got me to this point now is he has now told me he is addicted to cocaine, I’m shell shocked how I’ve not noticed this happening when he acts so ‘normal?’. Be told me he is spending around £100 a day, risking everything in his life, lending money off multiple people, getting in trouble with work also and horribly, money going missing through work, and I hate to say it now but I helped him again by putting it right so he didn’t lose the job, I was just thinking about keeping the house afloat. I 100% regret this decision now as he’s acting as if nothing has happened at home while waiting to get counselling through the GP. I know he doesn’t want a frosty atmosphere around our daughter but part of me feels like I’m suffocating and I’m the only one struggling from all of this. He’s bled me dry of everything but also the thought of not being a family anymore kills me, with my daughter being so young and not knowing any of this makes me feel like I’m taking her dad away from her, it’s heartbreaking I still can’t believe any of this is happening.

[lesleerose]

Dear TL
You are suffocating in all of your partner’s addictions… This is horrendous and I really wouldn’t know where to begin … most of it is outwith my knowledge and I believe you need professional guidance…
Call women’s aid they are brilliant…. What I would say is that your partner is on a very dangerous downward spiral and it can only get worse … you really don’t want to take your precious little girl ( because she should be your main focus ) any further down this path …
Make that call because he will take you down with him ..
That has been my experience I come on here for my addict daughter she would have stepped over my dead body to get whatever her drug was at that time
Please keep posting and please prioritise your little girl ..
Yours in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[Tattylashes]

Hi Lesleerose,

Thank you for your reply! I had a little look on Women’s Aid website I thought this only applied to domestic abuse, I just feel like I’m losing my mind being around him because it’s like he flips a switch and is just back to his ‘normal’ self, it’s like a double life and I can’t get my head around it.

My daughter is definitely my main focus, I know what I need to do, it’s just so hard to think he can be these 2 completely different people. I’m sorry you’ve been though all this with your daughter, it’s heartbreaking

[myfamily]

Hi Tattylashes,

I have only just joined this group and it helps to be able to talk to people and get support. It also helps to read other peoples stories. Cocaine is a horrible drug. I am only just starting to wake up and see the true nature of its effects. I have spent the last two years trying to make everything ok. But unfortunately its wasn’t enough. I am also starting to see how my children's dad being in and out of their life is effecting them and me. Everyone’s situation is different so you can only do what is right for you.
With the support of this group i contacted a place near me where i can go and meet with people and learn ways i can learn more about cocaine and its effects. I have found the more i know about their dad’s problem the more he has tried to hide it. I was so worried about us not being a family and them not having a dad as part of their life. That i wasn’t looking at what kind of dad he was being. I have changed over the years. The most important thing is to put you and your daughter first.
Wishing you all the best.

[dramaqueen]

Hi TL

I am so sorry you are going through this with such a young daughter in the mix as well.

After my very long marriage ended I got besotted with a man who turned out to be a compulsive gambler with a cocaine habit. Later he dropped the cocaine (as it was giving him heart palpitations) so he turned to alcohol to get “his high”. Luckily we never lived together - it was an “on off” thing over 3 years and strangely helped me through a very difficult divorce. However, I learned a lot about gambling along the way. Gamcare have a really helpful helpline. There is also a discussion forum (I think also run by Gamcare?). Gambling is a ferocious addiction - people lose their houses to gamblers. I met two women among my wider friendship group - one lost her house; the other only just held on because of early inheritance.

The movie “the Gambler” is compelling viewing and shows just how destructive a habit it is. Your partner is addicted to the thrill of risk taking with no sense of responsibility as a father, partner or employee. £30k is an insane amount of money; stealing from work is extreme. Your partner doesn’t sound like he has any intention of recovering either.

If he did want recovery, Gamcare offer support groups and meetings for gamblers and their family and up to 10 weeks free residential therapy. There is also Gamblers Anonymous and Cocaine Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous - all available for free but the addict has to want recovery in order to attend these fellowships and become sober from these destructive addictive behaviours.

I am sure there are things you love about your partner. I personally love people who are fun, spontaneous and who seem more light hearted than me but I have realised that this has led me to be attracted to addicts (my ex husband is an alcoholic). They do not make good, supportive long term partners or fathers.

You have come to the right place here. Keep posting and maybe attend a meeting? The helpline is great for a chat and to obtain further information about FA which is for the family and loved ones of addicts.

Best wishes

DQ

[Tattylashes]

Thank you for your replies Myfamily & DQ

Your responses are really helpful, I keep finding myself coming on here of a night to kind of set my mind straight from the pretending things are ok in the day.

I personally don’t think he truly wants to stop, apart from ringing the GP when he confessed to it all he’s done nothing, apparently hasn’t taken drugs for 2 weeks now, but I find it hard to believe he can just stop after using so much on a daily basis.. I’ve bought a drug test to find out maybe tomorrow.

I really wanted to sit back an see what he actually does this time without me pushing all the resources on him, because I did that when I found out about the gambling, I feel he sees it as like a checklist and once it’s done he slips back. But so far he’s just proving everyone right that he’s not going to change.

Its our little girls birthday tomorrow and he hasn’t had any interest in organising anything, I picked and bought all the gifts, wrapped everything planned days out, he only asked me a few hours ago did I have a cake for her. He’s just got no regard for either of us, feel like it’s all been a act

[lesleerose]

Dearest TL
No one can just stop taking drugs there is the CAT team who does this by weaning them of slowly your partner is lying to you all the time addicts lie constantly even when they don’t have to …. A very wise lady on here told me to turn my unhappiness and pain into determination to get out for ME and in h your case your little daughter …I did ..
I know it’s not easy but every journey starts with the first step …
FAM-ANON is for you because we become addicted to them and loose ourselves in the process…. Slowly stay with us and we love each other until we can love ourselves …
FAM - ANON saved my life and my sanity
Please call Women’s Aid this is abuse at the highest level
You can’t save him only he can do that
If you were my daughter I would tell you to run and don’t look back … this isn’t love it’s co-dependancy
We’re all here for you and it’s not your fault if you can get to live or zoom meetings that will help there you will find ppl is the same boat as you ..
Yours in Famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[LM66]

Hi Tattylashes

No one has a child, with the thought of one day, being a single parent. Sadly, it happens, for lots of different reasons. It happened to me many years ago.
You have tried to support your husband, to hold everything together, but unless he makes a serious change to his behaviour, this path will continue.
Never think that you would be taking her father away from her - you are protecting your daughter from addictive behaviour. No child needs that in their life. YOU don't need it either.
You are absolutely correct in stepping back to see what he does, or doesn't do, as it seems, and you are also correct in thinking that he is going to do nothing! He is "ticking boxes". He doesn't have to wait to be referred for councilling, as has been said, there are loads of free support available.
I find it EXTREMELY hard to believe that he has gone from £100 a day habit, to not using. Cocaine is a very addictive drug, the come downs and withdrawals are horrendous. If he is not showing signs of withdrawal, then I would agree, he's still using. He has no interest in anything other than his addiction.
You sound like a very aware, capable lady. Don't sacrifice anymore of yourself to his addiction. As for your little girl, she will be just fine as she has a stable, strong mother.
Big birthday wishes to your little one. I know her mother will make her birthday a special day.
Much Love
L x

[Tattylashes]

Thank you so much again LesleeRose and L 🩷

I had a lovely day with her for her birthday, thank you for the birthday wishes also

I got him to take a drug test this morning, clear positive for cocaine. Swearing he hasn’t taken any for 16 days now, but from what you are saying Lesleerose and from reading online it’s highly doubtful that it’s showing positive from over 2 weeks ago. The lies are so convincing when he breaks down saying it’s not true, but I’m staying strong on what I believe.

Feels so nice to get these things off my chest so thank you, and your post got me so emotional LM I actually feel like I’m waking up to what he’s truly like now, feeling stronger by the day.

TL x

[lesleerose]

Dearest TL
absolutely beautiful you had that special birthday with your little girl … you are prioritising the wee one …
The problem you have here ( I think ) is that your husband has many addictions which is not unusual..
I wouldn’t bother with the drug tests but that’s me ..
I am in recovery mostly alcohol 25 years now ..
Please keep it in the day
Get to more zoom or live meetings
Keep sharing on here
We are all in this together
Bless you in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[Tattylashes]

Just a little update:

He has now packed a bag and gone to his mums, I weirdly feel ok so far, it was tough speaking to him before he went as he was really emotional and down, but I’ve stuck to my guns and told him he’s got to step up an put everything into getting himself out of this cycle.

I’m a bit anxious of the timescale he kept asking how long he’s got to stay there, and his mum was talking to me earlier saying “I don’t know how longs he’s meant to be stopping here..” I just want to take each day as it comes but can see now it’s going to keep coming up.

Time will tell I suppose, and will try an get on a local meeting this week.

[lesleerose]

Hi TL
As is suggested tell him and his mum …90 meetings in 90 days then see where you go from there… this is NOT your problem it’s his and only he can do it … when Daniel got out the lions den he didn’t go back in for his bunnet… he is out and keep him out for at least 3 months … one day at a time … no one wants to be living with an active addict as you know it’s horrifIc and relentless…
Stay strong get to live and zoom meetings
You are no longer accepting the unacceptable
Please keep posting and busy
Yours in famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[Concernedmum]

Dear TL,

I am reading through your posts and just wanted to say wow! Look how far you have come and what you are achieving. Well done, I know how hard this is, but you are putting you and your daughter first and you are both a priority.

I know this is so hard, and I too was a single mum at about the same age as your daughter, but actually in many ways it is easier. Leave him to get on and sort himself out and concentrate on you. He may seek help and recover and he may not, but that is not currently your concern. You will now have more energy to enjoy your little family without the constant worry of him, so enjoy the peace and just be mummy.

Drugs within the family are pure evil, and I had to ask my daughter to leave. It was heartbreaking but so necessary for my health and the others in the family. Our home had become a toxic place and only after she left did we begin to heal. I leant to let go with love from the others on this forum, although I did not believe them at first. But they are wise and right and it has saved me, and my relationships. We are no longer exposed to the chaos and lies and we control when and where we see the addict. I will always love her but cannot live with her.

All our situations are so different, but the themes of panic, desperation and chaos are the same and we need to look after ourselves and each other.

You are doing everything right and enjoy the peace.

CM

[Poetry]

Thank you for this post CM. It's good to know that the message which we old timers keep giving, which is that it is only the addict who can help himself or herself, has helped you. I'm so pleased. Keep posting. P. X

[Tattylashes]

Thanks LesleeRose & ConcernedMum for your replies 🩷

I’m so thankful for this forum, it’s been hard to stay strong these last couple of weeks but you’ve all given me such great guidance, and I do feel a lot more at peace.

It's a difficult time for me leading up to my dad’s 1st anniversary this month, along with everything what’s happened. But I’ve got so much to look forward to in the coming months I’m trying not to let this situation bring me down.

Also, I told him about the online meetings he should be attending separate to meeting with his support worker, but shock he just give excuses and thinks that’s enough for now.

Well done for putting you first ConcernedMum, I can’t imagine how hard that must of been

TL x