Feeling so lost and numb

[Lacura27]

My husband is 21 days clean. Very early stages and so grateful he is clean and back at meetings.

However, I am struggling with it all. Finding out he was using, him going to hospital thinking he was having a heart attack and seeing him use drugs in the week before he went to detox was so hard. He's asked me to have zero expectations on him, no emotion, no complaining about him being messy etc, no comfort for me and how I feel, no time together... I get he needs to put recovery first but 2 weeks out treatment centre and he is full time back working, I get no conversation from him, I feel nothing from him, he is like a empty shell and I find it so hard that he has put me through this and I get nothing from him.
Am I being out of order? I just feel so alone even although he is here at home. No young children. I don't know what to do, I have been keeping busy and focusing on myself but living in a house that feels empty is draining me and I feel myself getting worse by the day.

[lesleerose]

Have you noticed lacura it’s all about HIM selfish to the core …
Your husband is not sober minded …
No one can tell you how to feel you feel what you feel ..
You are being gaslighted lacura ….
Why don’t you have some time apart from him …
If you were my daughter I would tell you to get your trainers on and run and don’t look back ….
Such arrogance is totally unacceptable….
Ask yourself what has he ever brought to the table with this relationship…
You deserve respect for everything you have gone through
Don’t know if I said there is a book co-dependant no more melody Bettie
Please stay with us lacura your eyes will be opened we’re all in this together
The ppl on this forum and admin ( who give of themselves freely they are in the same position as all of us ) a loved one with addiction
Try and get to some live or zoom meetings…. There is a zoom meeting with the 12 step program of recovery on this forum call admin for details …. I did this program and it changed my life for the better …. I am at peace ….though it’s not for everyone
In famanon fellowship
Lesleerose

[Poetry]

I think that in AA there is a phrase "dry drunk." This is self-explanatory. Your partner may be clean and sober, but his behaviour toward you hasn't changed, and, although I would never underestimate the courage it takes to begin to come through addiction, treating other people badly is not part of the process of recovery.

I'm also sorry to have to warn you that, with this attitude, there is the possibility that he will go back to his old behaviours. I am not trying to be simplistic, and I do understand that after the huge change, and mustering all that must be mustered to begin to address addiction, there comes a flatness of the spirit, but people who have hury others need to rise above that, and being kind to you and beginning to mend his relationship with you should be part of that process. Clearly it isn't.

Stay on here. We understand and will SUPPORT YOU. P.

[Lacura27]

I am in the process of reading this book.
He needs to put recovery first and I understand that but I feel like he is pushing me to the side to get himself right and I've to just wait it out and not have any relationship with him and just be okay when he is ready.

[dramaqueen]

Hi Lacura

Great that your husband is currently sober. I hope it lasts. If he works the steps, he may also come to realise the need to make amends to you.

I just looked back to your first post and can see that your husband has been preoccupied with his relapse and recovery efforts for a couple of years now. This is very hard on you.

Time to focus on you. Perhaps some FA meetings might help you? Or a new hobby? I know it is painful when what you would really like is a renewal of the happier times which must have happened for you to have married your husband in the first place. I know what it feel like to feel lonely in a relationship. I felt that way in my marriage.

I hear you. I understand how hurtful this is.

Best wishes

DQ

[Sgm]

I can relate to everything you are feeling but it’s with my son not husband . I just want him to get better and this all go away. I want my son back. I feel sick all the time. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Like you say they are like an empty shell. Can anyone tell us that they get better? Does The “old” them ever comes back? Is the damage permanent? We all need some hope.
I’m sorry I’m not giving you hope I’m probably making it worse. I’m sorry. But reading your message did make me think I’m not alone even if it doesn’t make it better
And although as a family we all know what’s going on I haven’t told any friends at all. I don’t want him to be judged. I feel so sad for him. He doesn’t want to be how he is. I’m ashamed and embarrassed

[lesleerose]

Dearest sgm
Yes we can recover one day at a time I am 25 years sober .. I come on here for my addict daughter and despite every endeavour to save her including 8 rehabs she is still using whatever…she started early teens she is now 40 …
I believe addiction to be an illness …. But the patient must want it more than anything else in this world… But this forum is for you we are all on here for exactly the same reasons including admin who work tirelessly giving of themselves freely …
Can you get to some live famanon meetings or Al- anon meetings they are much the same and will welcome you with open arms …
You are no longer alone ppl have their own stuff to think about …. What you are feeling is the symptoms of your sons disease
Please stay with us you are no longer alone … try and keep it all in the day
Lesleerose
Lesleerose

[Sgm]

I can’t stop crying. I feel sick. I don’t understand how this has happened. He’s addicted to cannabis which everyone says is not addictive and legal in some countries. It’s totally wrecked his mental health. He’s a different person. He has no motivation, his eating is awful hes thin and pale. And he just doesn’t seem to want to engage with us. We are a really strong close family. Nobody in any side of either of our families has ever experienced anything like this. He is having therapy once a week but he doesn’t seem to have engaged much with groups. He thinks he can do it with his therapist. But when the cravings come he just accepts it and will have days smoking then stop feel absolutely dreadful, hate himself, start again. He has very few friends. At 24 I just see his life slipping away.

[lesleerose]

Dear shm
Weed is extremely addictive if you put it under a microscope it drips with opium oil ie heroin …also the dealers put in other stuff in it to make it weigh heavier ie battery acid …
You can’t save him only he can do that …
He would need to be detoxed by the CAT team who would come every day to detox him it would be very dangerous to do it alone …one meeting a week with a counsellor isn’t going to do it not at all …. Ask him if he will go to either CA or NA he has to make that call …
Nothing changes if nothing changes you have to prioritise you and your children they are the innocents and need to be protected..
Either get your partner out or you leave … this situation is not tenable and very broken … you will have to make a decision you can go down that road to hell further with your children or you can get out now
I come on here for my daughter she is 40 now been using since her early teens the carnage this has caused …well I would need to write another 50 pages to come close
Please keep posting
Lesleerose

[LM66]

Hi Sgm

I can 100% relate to how you feel. That was me 10 years ago. Unfortunately, my son progressed with his drug use, and was bringing drugs into my home to sell. I had to evict him, which shattered my heart. I wanted to go to bed and not wake up.
But Im here, alive and kicking, and have a good life despite my sons addiction. He says he "doesn't want to be this way" - well, he obviously doesn't want it enough! As long as you accept his behaviours, they will continue. I don't mean to sound negative, but until he really wants to stop, he won't. Is the therapist an addiction specialist?
Weed is more powerful now, as Lesleerose said, they dip it in allsorts, heroin, cocaine, crushed glass believe it or not - to make it look healthy, and of course more addictive. The strains now are very potent. It makes them so unmotivated for life! Every aspect of life. Nothing is important except a smoke.
I know how hard it is on your heart. But you may have to harden up that heart, for you and him. Have you read Tough Love? Its a free download on the literature page.
Stick around the forum. We're all riding this b@st@rd of a storm together.
Massive hug being sent to you.
Much Love
L x

[Poetry]

Sgm, welcome!

You say that your son does not want to be the way that he is. Well, in that case, he can change things. We all have free will. I am not saying that it is an easy thing - to come through addiction. Not at all. But it is possible.

He has agency. So do you. I know how sad you feel, because I was going through all of this six years ago. My son did not recover, has fully committed to addiction, hates us, and is totally estranged. A strong message there for you, and I know that it hurts.

We ourselves recover when we finally realise that there is no more that we can do for them. It may not have reached that stage with your son yet, but you will know when it has.

Put yourself first.

He can choose recovery. There is help and support. At an AA or an NA meeting there's tea, coffee and biscuits, and your son can put anything in the donations pot which he can afford, and if he can't afford anything, then that is fine.

Tell him he needs to attend 90 meetings in 90 days, and if he refuses, well, you have your answer about whether or not he wishes to stay addicted. P.